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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get annoyed that my friends dd has her dummy permanently attached to her face?

60 replies

girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 10:45

Our dds are almost 2 now and whilst mine has a comfort blanket hers has a dummy. My dd is talking really well hers says a few words. I know my dd is advanced in talking but my friend worries that her dd is not talking well. Partly a development thing but a big part is because she has her dummy in nearly 24/7.
I only let my dd have her blanket for sleep time and tell her I can't understand if she tries to talk to me through it.
My younger dd nearly 1 has a dummy and already gives it back to me after her sleep so I don't think 2 is too young to realise comfort items are for when you need comfort eg sleep or ill.
My friend asks me for advice about her dds talking but still lets her dd walk about playing with the dummy in and talking around it. When I look after her dd I won't let her have the dummy whilst playing/walking about. So am I BU?

OP posts:
madameDefarge · 26/08/2009 11:56

Then I would suggest what she is really wants to hear is that you think its ok!

PrammyMammy · 26/08/2009 12:45

yabu, your dd has her comfort, the dummy is to your friends dd the same as the blanket is to yours.
My ds is 21 months and can only say a few words and two sentences, but he hasn't used a dummy for 16 months now. Where his cousin at 21 months had a much wider vocabulary range by this age. People develop at different rates, it would be boring otherwise.
She might be thinking that having a blanket as comfort is strange, i mean i know my ds rabbit is a pretty horrid looking thing now, it has already been fed corn flakes, dipped in tomato soup, been out a walk with the dog (in the rain) today, yet it is still firmly under his arm - and i have no way of washing it unless ds is in the bath as that is the only place it doesn't go. People probably thing it is pretty disgusting lol. I'm guessing the blanket is the same?

cheesesarnie · 26/08/2009 12:50

ds1 still has speech and language difficulties and never had a dummy.im neither for or againgst dummies-each to there own.

Feierabend · 26/08/2009 13:02

Prammy sounds like the rabbit DOES need to go in the bath

katiestar · 26/08/2009 13:04

All mine started talking at different ages and none had a dummy.I would imagine the dummy might slightly discourage speech but it could just be that her voice box isn't developed enough yet.

PrammyMammy · 26/08/2009 13:25

LOL he goes in the machine when ds has a bath and in the dryer while we play and distract him ha, it takes a lot of team work to get that thing a wash.

Fairynufff · 26/08/2009 14:35

YABU and you sound like a dummy-snob. All my DC had dummies, got great comfort from them and they all have perfect teeth and are all perfectly eloquent. Dummies do 'shut them up' and there is a good reason - they work. So they help mothers too. Get over it.

If one of my friends had been 'annoyed' at my DC's dummies they wouldn't have been a very good friend would they? And a bit mean? and a bit neurotic? And a bit insecure maybe? And a bit charmless?

I would seriously ask yourself why you are so concerned about what your 'friend' does...

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/08/2009 14:44

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waitingforfanjo · 26/08/2009 15:12

To be fair though, the OPs friend is making it her business by constantly asking advice re DDs speech. In that sense I don't think YANBU in being annoyed that she doesn't take your advice on board because dummies can affect speech if thy are used 24/7

My DS is 4 next month and adores his dummies. Luckily his speech has always been good for his age, but i so regret not taking them from him earlier because it's going to be a total nightmare now. He mainly has it for sleep/ ill/tired but he likes to have about 5 or 6 with him because he sucks them alternately AND keeps one in each hand to fiddle with!

Also, my DS teeth have been affected, the dentist knew straightaway he was a 'sucker' about a year ago because his teeth have shaped themselves to accommodate it. He said it can even cause malformations of the jaw and a lisp due to the incorrect shape of the teeth if allowed to continue past age 5/6. Doesn't matter what they suck on though, could be a thumb, blanket or dummy.

I was mortified and that's when we stopped letting him have it 24/7 and at Christmas I have decided they are going for good.

sheepgomeep · 26/08/2009 15:13

yabu totally. It's none of your business

All 3 of mine had dummies, and had them in for a lot, they all spoke very well at 2.

you sound very smug

CyradisTheSeer · 26/08/2009 15:15

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sheepgomeep · 26/08/2009 15:17

dummies and bottles hinders speech development,

Well it hasn't at all with my 3. All have been early talkers, clear and distinctive

thesecondcoming · 26/08/2009 15:31

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waitingforfanjo · 26/08/2009 15:36

No-one's saying it always hinders speech, just that it can. Oviously it can delay speech if the dummy is in the mouth constantly and the child just grunts round it or points to get what they want. Why would they bother speaking then?

But as I said it can affect their teeth and the way they actually form words with their tongue. My DS lisps a bit now & can't seem to say 's' properly because his upper & lower teeth don't meet at the front when his mounth is closed. The lisp may or may not be from the dummy use, but the teeth shape has definitely been caused by over-use of the dummy. So says our dentist anyway.

bubblagirl · 26/08/2009 15:39

i would have to say also i think were all entitled to our own opinion but how you parent is not right or wrong to how someone else parents

my ds had speech problems but had nothing to do with his dummy was told this by speech therapist i know a child who had dummy constant and was great talker very clear just loved the dummy

i think if a child is happy he parent is happy we shouldn't feel the need to criticize how someone parents unless harmful to child's health and at no point should we ever feel that were better parents as doing it all correctly as there is no right and no wrong

bubblagirl · 26/08/2009 15:43

my ds is 4 and has given all his dummies to dummy fairy but only ahd them at night anyway but he hasnt missed them and feels really big now 2 is still fairly young i would jsut say politely to friend why dont you ask her to take dummy out when speaking and just give at nap times so feels like a real treat but dont feel she is doing wrong she's just allowing her child her comfort my ds only ever had dummy as a comfort was not interested in other comforts until recently thats when dummies went to all the babies who have none

myredcardigan · 26/08/2009 15:52

Not only do I think YABU, but I think you are also competitive.

You talk about her DD walking before yours, then compare the talking. You think a blanket is better than a dummy. You say you give advice and she never takes it.

It's like you enjoy being smug about the fact that she seeks your advice. You are displaying a superiority complex and it's not nice.

Stop bitching about your 'friend' and relax and enjoy your DD. My DD1 was talking in complete sentences at 16mths. She is now 3.2 and all her little frinds who were just grunting at 16mths can articulate themselves just as well.

thesecondcoming · 26/08/2009 16:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 26/08/2009 16:06

YABU, especially as one of your children has a dummy!

Original poster
girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 18:51

Some people have read what I've written some people have only read into it what they want.

I don't have anything against dummies obviously as my own child has one a child needs a comfort whether it be boob, dummy, blanket, milk whatever you can't usually choose what they like.

MyRed- I'm not being competetive and I was simply pointing out that whilst mine is talking first hers was walking first so they are not one then the other on everything.Where did I say that a blanket is better than a dummy?? I said dd1 never wanted a dummy she wanted a blanket. Dd2 wanted a dummy.

Prammy- yes the blanket stinks to high heaven which was part of the reason
why it could no longer leaves the house and is confined to the cot! We also had a battle removing it but dd kept it in her mouth all the time and it really does smell (and look) awful so something had to be done.

For all the people who have misunderstood I don't think dummies affect speech or development or I wouldn't let my daughter have one would I? It is the constant having of it.

And no the parent in this case isn't happy and I'm trying to help her which is why I'm, asking whether I'm BU.

OP posts:
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 26/08/2009 19:54

YANBU to be irritated by this, but YABU about the actual situation. My DS wouldn't go near a dummy until he was 10 months old, and now at 15 mo he has it in all the time. He chooses to do that. I think it's a phase he'll grow out of, but I'm his mum and it's my job to decide when to start taking it off him.

lovechoc · 26/08/2009 20:00

I don't like seeing DS with a dummy in but he likes it when he has a nap and for bedtime. He understands that in the morning the dummy has to be left behind in his room, as it's not needed when he is talking/eating. It's each to their own really, but I can see where OP is coming from.
I think some parents give their child the dummy more for their own benefit rather than for the child's. Just to have a quiet life!

junglist1 · 26/08/2009 20:03

That's nothing. My friends 6 year old is still in a buggy for no reason.

Original poster
girlsyearapart · 26/08/2009 20:05

But > TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied- my dd would 'choose' to eat chocolate buttons and watch Peppa Pig all day long if I let her but I don't. Isn't it up to us as parents to 'guide' their choices a bit/lot?

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 26/08/2009 20:11

rather than blame it all on the dummy (I don't think there is consistent evidence either way as to dummy/language development), tell your friend to speak to HV and ask whether SALT referral may be necessary. Oh and recommend the book Baby Talk by Sally Ward to her - lots of people on MN have found it useful