To think that my friend should just recognise that her birth experience wasn't THAT bad?

[FreddysTeddy]

Have a feeling I'll get a few YABU's but interested in the overall consensus.

My friend had what I would describe as a difficult birth, she had a large baby, 24 hourish labour and failed ventouse then forceps delivery.

She doesn't go on and on about it to be fair, but if the subject of childbirth comes up she always talks about how awful her experience was.

Whilst I recognise that it wasn't a walk in the park I think she slightly over-eggs how bad it was as if it was the worst thing that ever happened to her.

I've got a friend who ended up with a crash section after three days in labour and one whose little one spent 6 weeks in SCBU so I guess I just think that they are the ones who really know what traumatic births are.

YABVVVVVVVVU!
but you know that already don't you?

My giving birth hell was not speaking the same language as the staff who was delivering my baby. Very straightforward VB no complication but traumatic nevertheless!

As most posters have said, there are to many factors involved and anyay it is not a competition is it??

Maybe the OP has her own reasons for being unable to listen endlessly to her friend's birth story?

I find it hard to hear birth trauma stories when people have ended up having healthy babies because ds1 was born with severe disabilities. Of course, I don't openly dismiss them, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, 'you've got a healthy baby, get over it'. I just can't help it.

Still, all things are relative and this woman must be traumatised if it crops up in conversation over and over again.

Donkey you might be right but somehow I doubt it as OP seem to have empathy for other friend who in her eyes does qualifie for the "traumatic birth award" + OP admits that in all fairness her friend is not going on and on about it.

Haven't read whole thread, just OP but would say YABU

I had an emergency C-section after 3 days of on-off labour, then spent 7 days on post-natal ward so DC and I could both have IV antibiotics. I think I got off lightly compared to some people I know who've had horrible vaginal births!

If I was your friend I'd try not to go on too much about it, but I bet it was the worst thing that had happened to her.

I absolutely dreaded forceps, cuts, being induced via a drip and was a general wuss about the whole thing so if I'd had the labour your friend had I'd probably be saying the same.

yabu-a bit

it depends on the context- i had birth from hell with dd3- failed epidural, shoulder dysocia, pph- was in high dependency unit and all the rest. However, because it was dd3 and i realised immediately how bloody lucky we were that she was intact and so would i be after a bit i really really didnt view it as horrific-more with gratitude that i was in the right place at the right time

however, if it had been dd1, i swear i would have been totally traumatised and would have jabbered on about it for bloody ever!

I didn't talk about my DTs birth for a long time afterwards as it was too traumatic for me to speak about.

How awful if the 'friend' I'd chosen to talk about it to had been someone with an inability to sympathise or empathise with me.

I think my DTs birth probably would have qualified under your trauma criteria; I was seriously ill(pre-eclampsia & cholestasis)so had c-sec, they were prem and went to NICU and it was 24 hours before I could hold my babies, weeks before I could take them home.

A friend of mine gave birth a month after me. She had the birth I had planned in my head before I found out I was expecting twins and then became ill - home water birth, 'straightforward' vaginal delivery, healthy term baby.

Yet months afterwards she had flashbacks to the birth and felt traumatised by the lack of control and how frightening it felt. Her feelings were completely valid.

If we entered a 'who had the worst birth' competition then yes I would probably win just as there would be many others who would 'beat' me in terms of babies who were left with lasting problems.

The thing is, though, it's not a competition. There may be a small proportion of tragic births and those with long lasting physical implications. We can all acknowledge how terrible that is. There is also a proportion of births where mums have feared for their DCs and have been separated from them. Again, we can all acknowledge that is horrible.

And then there are those 'normal', 'straightforward' births - the ones where women go through excruciating, terrifying experiences, feelings of loss of control/ dignity/ powerlessness.

I don't begrudge those women their pain; I acknowledge it, just as I would hope women who experienced worse than me would understand that categorically the day my DDs were born was at that point the worst of my life. The outcome was, thank goodness, eventually happy but at the time I was left bereft, frightened and wondering if really I had had any babies because they had been taken from me and if they or I would survive the night.

Hello,

I've read the thread and I think YABVVU and frankly a bit mean - espeically if you say your friend doesn't even go on about it.

We all have the birth experience we have. the thing I found most of all was that the birth of my gorgeous, charming, incredible, amazing, fabulous son knocked me sideways emotionally.

There was no way I was prepared for how I felt about him when I saw him for the first time.

I had carried him around and cooked him for all that time and then that labour process led to me actually seeing him and creating that fundamental shift in the way I viewed the world - suddenly everything was going to be seen through DS tinted glasses. Nobody told me that bit.

For quite some time I found it hard to get a handle on those really big feelings and sort of connected labour with what got me there if you know what I mean. Talking about the birth experience was one of the ways I used to process those feelings.

Growing babies and giving birth is the biggest gift we are given. It's very hard work, incredibly rewarding and Mums are entitled to talk about it as much as they want.

Though if I were your friend I'd be horrified to know you'd gone on a forum to crticise me for it and I'd prefer to know I was boring you stupid and being over the top so I could find nicer friends.

This is why it is is so important to go to post-natal groups and mother & baby groups right after birth - to discuss your birth experience to death with other new mothers and digest what happened and get it out of your system with other people who are willing to listen and share.

YABVU and its not a bloody competition either to see who had the worst birth experience. I think you are being incredibly patronising, insulting and quite frankly not a very good friend.

I am a mature student studying OT and one of the first fundamental things we learn is that experiences are entirely subjective. People have different pain threshholds and expectations, the midwife looking after them makes a huge difference and some people are more prepared.

I had a very similar birth to your friend and I found it incredibly traumatic. It doesn't matter how many people have had even more difficult times, I found MY birth horrendous because it was MY experience. I sincerely hope you don't voice your opinions to your poor friend because you are bang out of order. Oh and to reiterate other posters - have YOU ever given birth?

Hijack:
Notalone....have you had your results for the first year through? How did you do? I bet really well...
I am happy with my results
Can't believe I will be a year 2 student soon...yikes...but looking forward to my placement, it's mental Health this time, working with elderly with functional and organic mental health problems...

OP I hope you're using this thread to get rid of unsympathetic feelings and that you are finding yourself able to be a better friend because of it.

I had the most straightforward birth in the world but I had friends with much worse experiences who would listen to me and let me say just how awful I found it. that's friends for you.

Hey Fairlady - congrats on your results. After all that hard work you really deserve it! Our course is entirely essay based but I finished on a high and got two firsts and a high 2:1 for my last 3 efforts. Was over the moon as I one of the firsts was for the essay I really struggled with. When do you start your placement? I start mine 5th Oct and have got elderly inpatients this time. Am a little nervous in case I drop someone but I have 2 educators and both seem lovely so all good! When are you back?

I think YABVU. My friend was only in labour 6 hours, had a water birth, small tear, no stiches - a textbook 'easy birth' really. But 4 years later she can still hardly talk about it, it completely traumatised her. I also know myself from having a nasty riding accident that being told 'oh well, X had a worse one and they seem ok' is very unhelpful and actually makes you feel worse.

You can't dictate to other people what they should or shouldn't consider a bad experience. It doesn't sound as if you friend is trying to have a 'compeition' just that she is genuinelly traumatised by her experience. I'm sure she has nothing but sympathy for anyone who had an even worse time.

I think a lot of it has to do with expectations. My DD was not a particularly large baby but apart from that your friend's birth experience sounds very similar to mine.

I considered that I had had a positive experience. My DD is healthy and I recovered well. I only had gas and air and no epidural which was important to me. I think what made a difference was that I was not thinking of interventions as a bad thing before the birth in the way I think a lot of people tend to. I remember thinking that if they had suggested a CS I would have had no problem with that but only because I was so exhausted.

Having said all this it took me a long while to 'come to terms' for want of a better word with being so medicalised - drips, stitches, examinations etc etc and this was worse for me than the birth itself. This was the aspect that made me feel vulnerable so perhaps it is something like this that your friend is struggling with.

I know people have much worse birth experiences than me - but that is someone else's birth experience.

pain/fear is a subjective experience.pain is what the person tells you it is.how they experienced it

you are a horrid friend if you think you can keep a score card on who can legitimately claim a scary birth or not

so your friend does not go on about it,but if it comes up in conversation she will disclose?what is wrong with that

YABVVVVVU. And unkind.

Giving birth can be really scary and upsetting for many women.

For others, it's not really something that bothers them.

I think perhaps you need to help your friend by listening to her. Perhaps it was the worst thing that happened to her.

YABU as a poster said on page 1 it copuld be the most horrific thing that happened to her. You measure your birth experiences on your OWN experiences not that of someone else. DC3's birth was by no means horrendous to others standards but compared with my other 2 experiences it was traumatic. I felt I had no control as was induced so had no mobility. Her cord was wrapped tightly around her and her heartbeat was dipping as every push was strangling her. I was left with feelings of immense guilt that I had let them induce me and then waves of 'what if' I had not let them induce me.

It can take a lot of time to get over a birth so suck it up and be a friend to her. Stop being so judgemental

notalone...ours starts around middle october...we will have about 2 weeks at Uni and than go on Placement.
My final results were 2A's and 2 B's in the modules...But it wasn't just Essay based....
Oh, and I also have 2 Educators....because I will be "spread" over 2 wards....1 functional, 1 orgnic...basically one of my Educaotr has not had a student before....so...I will be her first...

Hmmm... don't know if YABU or not, but would rather ask, why does it bother you so much?

I think that your are being very unreasonable.

I could list the reasons why, but would suggest that you read 'Birth Trauma' by Shelia Kitzinger instead. It should make you understand why you dont necessarily have to have experienced an objectively traumatic birth, in order to feel traumatised afterwards.

PTSD following childbirth is a massively ovelooked phenomenon- im not saying that your friend has PTSD, but attitudes like yours means that birth trauma is not taken seriously enough and women can go unnoticed and unfortuantely, misdiagnosed.

Read Birth Trauma.

It is absolutely subjective. My DD's births were almost identical scheduled C-Sections, but the second one I still get a bit shaky when I think about. The first one was fine and I actually enjoyed it. There were no tangible differences between the 2. Notes would be identical. All I know is the second one hurt more, scared me more, shook me up far worse than I imagined it could.

YABU. And a tool.

Of course YABU!

I had an induction and epidural, for some women this might've been an awful birth experience. As it happens, I think I did pretty well.

On the other hand I failed to breastfeed, something which still depresses me daily- DD is 5 months- and is something which I still get incredibly upset over to the point of avoiding bf friends.

Telling me to 'get over it' would not help. It wouldn't bother most mums probably. But dissapointment, trauma and bad experiences are all relative.

YABVU

I think YABU. You weren't there. Don't know how anyone feels qualified to judge someone else's experience.

A friend of mine had a similar experience to yours and was also quite traumatised by it. I have nothing buut sympathy and support for her.

I agree it is subjective

I was in labour 4 1/2 hrs, had normal VB and only had 3 stitches but i was shell shocked afterwards! I have been through some major shit in my life but for some reason this was the worst experience- I know on paper it was not bad at all but the lack of control and the speed of it made it really hard to process plus everyone telling my how lucky I was didn't help. I had contractions 3 mins apart from the get go so i could not get my head around it.

However, after I spoke about it a lot i was able to process and appreciate it and how lucky I was. I have a beautiful healthy DD who is getting stronger each day and I've mentally and physically recovered. If you let your friend talk it though she will probably feel loads better