To think that my friend should just recognise that her birth experience wasn't THAT bad?

[FreddysTeddy]

Have a feeling I'll get a few YABU's but interested in the overall consensus.

My friend had what I would describe as a difficult birth, she had a large baby, 24 hourish labour and failed ventouse then forceps delivery.

She doesn't go on and on about it to be fair, but if the subject of childbirth comes up she always talks about how awful her experience was.

Whilst I recognise that it wasn't a walk in the park I think she slightly over-eggs how bad it was as if it was the worst thing that ever happened to her.

I've got a friend who ended up with a crash section after three days in labour and one whose little one spent 6 weeks in SCBU so I guess I just think that they are the ones who really know what traumatic births are.

My first birth was traumatic I wont go into details but in short long labour, failed ventouse, ds1 nearly died crash section. I was very bad with it flashbacks, nightmares. It was horrible. My second birth, long labour, failed ventose then forceps delievery lost a lot of blood and passed out for short time. My second birth was alot worse than my first. However I coped fine mainly because after my first one I didnt expect it to be any different, I prepared myself for the worst.
My point is you dont have to have a crash section to have a traumatic birth, so yabu.
It is also possible that she has not told you everything about her birth for you to judge. Not that it is your place to judge anyway. Unless your were there you couldnt possible have any idea what it was like for her.

YABU

There are women who've come away from perfectly straightforward births suffering from post traumatic shock, and others (like me) who have come away from really difficult births (10lbs 12oz baby born at home - shoulder dystocia - ending with paramedics from two ambulances pounding up the stairs, midwife resucitating baby on the bed......) absolutely fine and even euphoric.

Have also had a forceps birth with first v. large baby), which was very unpleasant (hence insistence on homebirth with second).

There are so many things that can impact on how you feel about your birth - so many. We don't know what is in someone's background or psyche that may make birth an appalling experience for them.

I would actually like to agree with the OP as sometimes I have felt a teeny bit about this. BUT as has already been said, it was awful for her. It was traumatic and shocking and she needs to talk about it.

Just as most of us need to go on about how wonderful or PFBs are because they can dribble so cutely or say mummmmaaa. Its boring for everyone else but its human nature and we all must have our turn.

My first birth would look fine in my notes but to me it was bloody horrible. I feel fine about it 17 years later but it took a while. So I do try and keep that in mind when someone is telling me about their trauma (even if its sounds perfectly normal to me).

This is why I never discuss my birth with DD with anyone any more.

And no, I didn't go on and on about it, but I could have done with a friendly ear to talk to straight afterwards just to get it out of my system.

So pleased to see that I wasn't imagining that people were giving me faces.

Why? Why would you feel about someone having a horrible birth experience? Why would you even say that?

HOrrible.

My sister and I had babies withing a few years

My ds1 almost died in the labour and I had eclampsia but I had a decent enough delivery, home quickly and a healthy if tiny 5lb-er

Sister had hospitalisation for months, NICU for a month due to inability of premmie to feed..... nightmare

We both got PTSD

its a massively personal thing; it feeds off your eprsonal experiences so far (I ahve massive fear of loss of control for example), and amnifests itself in whatever your orst fears might be

I've since had longer more painfullabours without any of the same effects- becuase I knew what was going on

It's very much not something one can judge on. The actual birth itseklf isn;t the real issue- the effects of it are

I have ptsd after my dd's birth. Sometimes I need to talk about it. To think that a friend could be so cruel about me on the www as you are about your friend hurts a lot.

You woefully misunderstand birth trauma. I'm pleased for you that you've never experienced the pain of knowing you can't have more children because of the unrelenting fear and feelings of failure.

Shouldn't complain though, huh. I'm sure a more insensitive person than you has made a more traumatised person than me cry this evening so my feelings are invalid in this ridiculous oneupmanship you have devised.

Seriously, OP, why are you so interested in the 'overall consensus'? You knew what it would be.

Being all when you've raked up some very painful memories for some posters... Very clever.

ShowofHands

Most people are thankfully more sensible.

Fuck off springs to mind...you don't chose what you feel traumatised/emotional and whatever about...
my 3rd ds was for me a traumatising birth, to others he wouldn't have been, I am sure....and maybe had he been my first, when I had no expectations of birth he wouldn't have been...but he was my 3rd and his birth did traumatise me....so shoot me!

Oh, and fuck off

what a knowingly bolleaux OP. pain is relative. suffering ditto. comparison is absolutely pointless.

i miscarried (early and naturally) earlier this year. it is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i'm sure that makes me a lucky person. it is severely unhelpful to think that i may have 'friends' who think i should just suck it up and get over it.

Quite, Soph

It'slike saying on the Sn threads that as my boys (autistic) talk I don't qualify for support becuase othetr peoples are moresewverely affected

Completely undermines the whole point of support

i would say that your friend did have a difficult birth and she has every right to expect her friends to acknowledge.

BUT i do think many women have an idealised view of what a birth should be and when everything isn't all "your flower gently opening and butterflies releasing from your fanjo" they get all upset and feel they have been cheated out of some fabulous experience.

childbirth hurts, its not pleasant, your not failing as a parent if you take every type of drug going. so long as you have a happy healthy baby thats all that matters

I seriously hope this is a wind up - your poor friend on so many levels.

Can I ask about your birth experience? Why you feel the need to be superior over her with this?

I really hope your friend has other more supportive friends than you.

Birth experiences can be some of the most traumatic or most euphoric things that ever happen to a woman and unless you know the whole story behind her birth you are being extremely unreasonable and mean.

I had a far less awful birth experience but was still traumatised - to think my friends would think like this is awful and makes me very sad. It also makes a lot of people remember their trauma, worry about possible trauma or to feel devestated for women who experience it.

I still sometimes burst into tears if i see a birth on tv that reminds me of dd's... and by OP's standards it wasn't that bad a birth but for me, and for dp having to witness it, it was the single worst experiance of our lives as well as the most wonderful as we got dd out of it.

yabu
I have had 2 births
one was a nightmare, eneded up with me being cut and forcpeps, BUT NO PROBS WITH DS.

the 2nd was fine but ended up with dd not brathing and in SCBU

GIVE THE POOR WOMAN A BREAK.
(sorry weird keyboard)

I'm struck by OP saying, "She doesn't go on and on about it to be fair". I would have more sympathy with OP if her friend was constantly ranting on about her birth experience without allowing conversational space for anybody else's, but it sounds as though she is keeping things in perspective.

I had a back labour, failure to progress, fetal distress and EMCS. Fairly standard stuff, and very definitely a walk in the park compared to some of the birth stories on here. And yet I did feel distressed for some months after the birth. I felt tearful whenever I thought about it, and longed to discuss it with someone but felt I couldn't really, because the facts didn't 'justify' how traumatised I felt. Health professionals just told me that the only important thing was that I had a healthy baby. My NCT group was so full of horror stories (only two of us didn't have emergency sections, and those two had truly horrendous assisted births) that there was a kind of tacit mutual agreement not to go there.

Women have a responsibility to other women not to grandstand with their birth stories or use them to terrify the newly pregnant. But, you know, we do need the space to talk about how disturbing, shocking and distressing birth can be, and without having to prove that we suffered like no other woman has suffered before.

Where's OP? Have awful feeling she's deliberately stirred it up, and has upset lots of people in the process. Not the kind of friend I'd want.

pinktulips - me too. I cry without fail evey time I see a birth on tv where the baby cries after birth as DS was born blue and not breathing.

OP - do you understand what forceps entails and what it can do???

YABU. It was difficult for her-not helpful to point out that other people have worse!

Still waiting to find out if OP has given birth...

YABU...Especially as she does not even bring it up that much,her birth experience sounds pretty frightning to me....actually forceps scare the shit out of me...only a couple of months ago in a very large hospital a baby died after having his neck broken by the Doctor using forceps.

Very very rare thing to happen thankfully.