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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect my son aged 11 to be asleep at this hour?

157 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 01:00

forget all other posts i have put up they are irrelevant.

I have made plans to take him to the coast tomorrow with his friend her mum myself and ds2.

So at 9 i asked him to go to bed and allowed him to watch a film. I just went to put ds2 into his bed (he goes to sleep on sofa and i transfer him when i go to bed) and find ds1 still awake, but him thinking he is smarter than me closes his portable dvd player down when he hears me coming up hallway.

I have removed the dvd player and am seriously doubting going tomorrow, because

1- i cannot go to bed until he is asleep
2- he will be hard to get up in the morning
3- he will be a total grump all day because he is tired
4- he has just told me to get lost and get out of his life...all i said is you have lost your dvd player until you learn not to the mickey out of me. (and i did not even argue i walked away, ok sounds silly but i am proud of myself!)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:14

Mothering, he does what dp asks but some nights (depending on his shift) he is not here at bed time.

I have seen gp's, child psychologists, child psychiatrists, counsellors, social services,Police (neighbour called them because of a screaming fit, he told them "Mummy did nothing to me I don't want to go to bed") learning mentors at school along with other medical staff. This has been going on for 8 years now.

OP posts:
Sonnet · 19/08/2009 13:14

joint plan with DP to tackle the evenings?

Morloth · 19/08/2009 13:15

Stop asking TLES and start telling.

You ask children about things that don't matter. Like do you want strawberry or chocolate ice cream. You tell them about things that do. Like "Bedtime now".

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:16

Morloth I am admitting here I am at a loss what to do honestly. I want to write a list of rules/rewards/consequences....where the heck do i dtart....I have the paper and pens lol...sorry not laughing to trivialize it

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:17

(sending morloth a train ticket to me...morloth is my supernanny)

OP posts:
YorkshireRose · 19/08/2009 13:18

TLE - what a horrible situation and I do feel for you.

Your DS sounds exactly like my older sister. My parents tried everything to get through to her but basically she enjoyed behaving badly and upsetting everyone in the family. She has consistently treated everyone in the family like dirt ever since childhood. She told me just a year ago that I was a mug and that I should do what she does and scream at people to get them to do what she wants - she was laughing as she told me this and obviously thinks she is very clever. She is 46!

My parents have finally had to break off all contact with her. It broke their hearts but they just cannot take all the abuse at their age.

Basically some people just see no point in behaving well and nothing will make them change. I firmly believe that it was not down to how my parents brought her up - I grew up in the same house, even shared a bedroom with her and look what a paragon of loveliness I turned out to be! .

Your DS will not change because he does not want to. Stop putting yourself out for him. He has not earned it. Make it clear that if you are not treated with respect you will simply do the minimum you are required to by law to keep him alive. The rest comes extra. Then let him make his own mind up. You have agonised over him for long enough. You may have to accept that you will never get through to him as no-one can force another human being to behave in the way they want if that person just does not want to.

Let him feel the consequences of his bad behaviour and if he is just not bothered you may have to accept that you will not have the relationship with him that you want.

Hard I know, but it is the conclusion I have finally had to face after 43 years of grief from my sister.

MissSunny · 19/08/2009 13:18

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 19/08/2009 13:21

Just make the consequence relevant to the bad behaviour, make them immediate, non-negotiable and consistent.

Take the power back, he doesn't get to control you because he is a little kid and little kids don't know what is best for them. They know what they want but that is not always the same thing as what they need.

Sonnet · 19/08/2009 13:27

Whilst I do agree with both the last posts form Misssunny and Morloth I also kind of think ( from past threads) he just wants to control whaever the consequances.
So if TLES had planned a day out tomorrow he would kick-off, day out gets canceled, he has won (!) because he has controlled what has happened in a "cutting off nose to spite face" way

I think, and have harped on before about this, that the bedtine issues are the ones to solve. I have also posted at length beofre on what I would do...

i would also have "family plans", after all DS1 is not the only child, and I would not change them because he kicked off.

I would ignore, ignore the bad stuff and remove all attention. I would, on the other hand, praise and notice all the good stuff.

Morloth · 19/08/2009 13:34

I would arrange for a sitter for DS1 while the family went out on a lovely day, or I would arrange for one parent to stay home while the other two went out.

DS1 would be staying in his room for the entire day (with the exception of meal and toilet breaks).

The advice I give here is mostly based on how I was raised, because I don't have an 11 year old.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:40

SONNET have you been spying on him???? you have got it 100% right. like when he asked to go to canterbury cathedral we arrange it and he kicked off, even though he had asked to go.

Right hows this for a plan?

bedroom at 8.30 (remember he will still be up at gone midnight 90% of the time)
Lights out at 9.30?

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:41

Morloth and how I was raised!

he is meant to be going fishing at weekend with dp because of his blackmailing ways today (nothing else planned for rest of week) I have said he can go but to make sure he takes a good book to read.

OP posts:
MotheringHeights · 19/08/2009 13:44

How is the good book related to his 'blackmailing ways', TLES? I don't see the link.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:46

Mothering sorry didn't explain it well. He is meant to be going fishing with dp on saturday. he is still going but not allowed to fish because of his behaviour today. so i have said he needs to take a good book.

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/08/2009 13:51

See that is just confusing TLES, he can either go on the trip or not. Consistent and clear are really important, telling him "he had a better have a good book" is not clear, it is wishy washy and leaves the door open for him to get what he wants anyway.

When is bedtime? 9pm? So he is in his room at 9pm with no electronics, as it is summer I wouldn't worry about lights out. You can't make him sleep.

When school goes back bedtime at 9pm and lights out at 10pm.

Morloth · 19/08/2009 13:53

Also Saturday is quite a way off from now. Something more immediate might have been a bit clearer.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 13:58

Morloth, the only reason he is now going is because I need a break from him..as horrible as that may sound.
See Morloth, I am so lost now as to what to do next i am making wrong decisions...sleep is needed!

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RumourOfAHurricane · 19/08/2009 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 19/08/2009 14:03

You might not be able to have a break from him TLES, at least not while you are setting down the ground rules. It is worth suffering now to push through rules that will make the future easier.

Morloth · 19/08/2009 14:10

Sorry, also another thing to bear in mind is to not make threats you are unwilling to follow through with.

So as you need him to go out on the trip on Saturday, don't use that as a bargaining chip.

Don't make ultimatums unless you can deal with the consequences to yourself.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 14:11

Shine, nope no special needs no reasons. I did go and check on him and he was "asleep" but was actually pretending.

I know ds2 should be in bed, I don't know if you have read the reason he is not?

it is almost as if i cannot control him you are right....I wish to god i had the immediate answers....ignore ignore ignore and rules as well. THANKYOU ALL xx

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 14:12

Morloth, so would you suggest letting him fish if he does go?

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Morloth · 19/08/2009 14:13

He either goes on the trip or he doesn't. No phaffing about. Clear and consistent remember.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/08/2009 14:15

Morloth Thanks..... tell you all what if this works I am gonna love you forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
thatsnotmybelly · 19/08/2009 14:20

Reading through a few of your threads, you write as though you consider yourself the victim in this situation.

Passive, like Shiney says.