Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a 17 year-old (gay) clubbing?

58 replies

Miyazaker · 11/08/2009 17:31

I am friendly with a 17 year-old boy at my martial arts club. He is gay and desperate to experience a gay club. My friend (who is a lesbian) and I have agreed to take him out but I am slightly concerned about being effectively in loco parentis. He is very camp and prone to shooting his mouth off about random men in the street and will be a huge bag of testosterone once inside the club. He also hasn't yet learned the art of pacing himself with the drinks.

On the other hand, he is likely to be safer with us (mid-20s, fairly responsible adults) than if he goes out with his teenage friends. We are partly taking him out as a kindness, as being a gay teenager isn't easy, and he says his parents haven't accepted it yet. He has quite a heavy beard for his age and will probably be able to get into the clubs, especially with older people.

I have no kids and am not used to hanging out with teenage boys; the dynamic is mostly of friends, but then he will say something that reminds me just how young he is. He is only a few months off 18 but pre-Year 13 and living at home.

How would you feel if someone was socialising with your 17 year-old in this situation?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/08/2009 17:35

If you are asking us, then you probably know at the back of your mind it's not a great idea.

If his parents are happy for him to go out, then that's up to them, but personally I woldl wait untill he is 18 to sugest clubbing, and make it clear to him he is respnsible for his own actions.

juicyjolly · 11/08/2009 17:35

If this was my 17yr old then yes I would certainly prefer him to go out with older and more responsible friends than his teenage friends.

This said, do his parents know he is gay?
Do the parents know he would be going to a club with you?

SomeGuy · 11/08/2009 17:36

17 year olds are not allowed to drink at all, except at home with their parents, so I don't get the pacing himself bit.

bubblagirl · 11/08/2009 17:37

i would say leave alone in all honesty unless its a night for younger people if something happened to him when out alcohol related you will be in alot of trouble for having taken him

the part of me that screams yes take him isnt as strong as the one that weighs up all the bad things that can happen drink being spiked naive young gay boy would he disappear with first man that pays the right attention how would you feel if something happened to him

i just think wait till his old enough i would want to help also but know from experience what can happen when young naive person and alcohol mix and its not always a good outcome and i wouldnt want to be the centre of that

pjmama · 11/08/2009 17:37

If anyone was taking my 17 year old out to get drunk and laid in any circumstances, I'd be a bit cheesed off tbh! Plus it's illegal isn't it? I'd be a bit careful about facilitating that without his parents knowledge, however well intentioned. Not sure of the legalities but you might be potentially landing yourself in trouble?

Morloth · 11/08/2009 17:38

Not a chance. When he is 18? Sure! But not before then.

hobbgoblin · 11/08/2009 17:42

Clubbing is for when adult. For now there are the Youth Club and school discos and any free time remaining of an evening can be spent attempting to get served in the local pub.

Why feel the need to enable his early partaking in adult activities? Being grown up is disproprtionate to time spent as a kid. I wouldn't want to reduce the nice carefree years any further personally.

mrsboogie · 11/08/2009 17:47

not before he is 18. If anything goes wrong and he gets drunk/into a fight/off with the wrong guy/offered drugs etc etc you will be responsible.

When he is 18 then fine.

twopeople · 11/08/2009 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SomeGuy · 11/08/2009 17:53

Also I do wonder whether he'd want to hang around with two women when there will presumably lots of men after him, so the extent of the likely chaperoning seems to me to be limited.

Tillyscoutsmum · 11/08/2009 17:55

Definitely wait until he's 18 - at that point you are going as friends and fellow adults as opposed to in locos parentis. Much less likely to end in tears imho

Original poster
Miyazaker · 11/08/2009 17:56

juicyjolly AFAIK they know he is gay - and frankly it is hard to miss. I think he generally tells his parents where he is going (overheard him do so once on the phone) but not sure if on this occasion.

twopeople I did more clubbing aged 18 and 19 than I have done since - in fact in some clubs I feel geriatric at 26!

will def check out the legalities - not a situation that has arisen with any of my other friends...

OP posts:
Original poster
Miyazaker · 12/08/2009 14:32

Thanks for your replies. I?ve realised I can?t ignore the adult-child nature of the friendship even though I?d like to.

I must say, though, that I?m not sure (some) posters? talk of youth clubs and 17-year-olds old only drinking with their parents is very firmly based in reality; even as the most sheltered of late-90s home counties teenagers, I was definitely drinking before 18. And - do youth clubs still exist? (Genuine question).

This particular boy is definitely not an innocent child - last week I had to stop him regaling me in class with the finer details of his first gay encounter, on a trip to Scotland with friends (the trip was presumably paid for by his parents).

OP posts:
twopeople · 12/08/2009 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bleh · 12/08/2009 16:57

Maybe wait a few months, until he is actually 18.

Where are you based? In my previous incarnation, I went to a few gay clubs and found that the London ones are VERY full on. The ones I went to in Edinburgh were quite laidback, lots of fun, whereas some of the ones I went to in London definitely had the atmosphere of "desperately trying to get laid".

oldraver · 12/08/2009 17:14

I would say wait till he's 18 just for the legal aspect of it in that there will be no comeback form his parents, though I do agree with you that many many 17 year olds are seasoned clubbers/ drinkers

I have been down this road with a friend though he was 24. He was gay in a small military town and wanted to go to places with like minded people. He had a wail of a time but being such a tart he would frequently disappear off with different conquests and wouldn't come home with us. As an adult who knew his own mind we were ok with this. I think with a 17 year old friend I would be slightly worried in a mother hen way if they wanted to go off.

Mamazon · 12/08/2009 17:18

any responsible club will be part of pubwatch and will require ID from everyone that enters, whether they look old enough or not.

Wait until he is 18. take him out on his birthday and make it a special event.

Original poster
Miyazaker · 12/08/2009 17:55

bleh We are in London. Though IME any club that lets in women (and fairly straight-looking women at that) is by definition less hardcore than one that doesn't. We are thinking to go to one of the ones aimed at younger people (that also exerts a gravitational pull on young out-of-town gays).

Mamazon We managed to get into a very well-known (and probably part of Pubwatch) chain DJ bar through me and an older friend brandishing our IDs - they looked at his (non-fake) one and let him in anyway. I was left wondering why they bother to ID in the first place.

OP posts:
junkcollector · 12/08/2009 18:10

IMO if he gets silly when he drinks, can't find anyone his own age to go to clubs with and needs someone to be in loco parentis he's not quite ready to be on the scene. Will he go anyway? If yes, then accompany him. If no, then wait a year.

Sn0wflake · 12/08/2009 20:12

I think it's OK to take him...he will probably go by himself or other sillier people otherwise.... or meet people he shouldn't on the internet (my gay friend of 15 did this and was raped in the encounter).

However if he is 'out' with his parents I would ask him to tell is parents where he is going and that he is going with you. Then it's all above board.

slowreadingprogress · 12/08/2009 20:32

Agree with waiting. Just because some kids are seasoned clubbers at 17 doesn't mean this is ok. 18 is the legal age - it won't kill him to wait. It's not a necessity to start clubbing before 18 and certainly I don't think it's good for adults to condone it for him. nothing wrong in waiting. Actually gives you something to look forward to when you become an offical adult.

dinasaw · 12/08/2009 21:00

Wait until he is 18 and has the non fake id to prove it. If you buy him alcohol you are committing an offence, likewise he would be breaking the law if he buys it when he is underage.

motherbeyond · 12/08/2009 21:16

someguy are you serious?!!what do you not get? he is 17 not 12..of course he's going to drink! at home with his parents? not so much!

mumeeee · 12/08/2009 23:02

It is illegal for under unders to go to nightclubs unless it is an under 18 night. DD 2 19 gets asked for Id at all the clubs she goes to.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/08/2009 23:07

Ok it's illegal for him to drink and isn;t it also still illegal for him to have sex with men? I thought the age of consent for gay males was still 18 not 16. So you could be in trouble for facilitiating that as well as for taking him drinking.
This is not to say that I think it's wrong for a 17-year-old to drink and shag if he wants to, more that it might not be advisable for you to act as the adult facilitator of this.

Oh, and whoever said nicely about youth clubs and alcohol-free discos: they are nearly all for het kids, not gay ones. So it;s not that surprising he isn;t satisfied with them.