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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by message from my aunt.

123 replies

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:27

I have just recently been down to stay with my aunt who lives by the coast. I always go alone with dd as dp can't abide my aunt! This is a bit awkward, but I make excuses for him e.g. he's busy with work.
In a few weeks time, my aunt will be away. so I thought I'd ask her if myself and dd could use her house for a few days as the weather's been so bad here and dd loves it there. When I asked, I apologised if it seemed a 'cheeky' request and would be fine if she preferred we didn't go. She said she'd chat to her husband and get back to me.
Anyway she has replied saying:
'Hubby and I have discussed your request (!) and feel we will be happy to let you and dd stay here for a few days while we are away. We would like to stipulate, however, that only you 2 stay in the house.'

I guess she thought I planned to go with dp without telling her and thought well if he doesn't come when we're here, he's not coming when we're not. I wasn't planning to go with dp, and if he did go, the neighbours would see him!
I'm so shocked by her response, I feel angry.I'm not repsonsible for dp and don't feel I deserved such a strange reply.
Apologies for long post. Am I unreasonable, and what should I reply?

OP posts:

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 10:30

Your DH has avoided her - I think that is far ruder. Her house, her rules. You should accept with grace.

lou031205 · 06/08/2009 10:30

YABU, your DH can't stand your Aunt, whether you have made excuses or not, that has come through to your Aunt. She is being direct, but polite.

MamaG · 06/08/2009 10:31

Sorry puffling but I think YABU

She isn't stupid, she will know you are making excuses for your DH and will prob be thinking "why should he get a free holiday in my house when he can't be bothered to come when I'm here?"

thirtypence · 06/08/2009 10:32

You have a free holiday, really you have to just suck it up for the greater good.

marenmj · 06/08/2009 10:33

She may have meant that you aren't allowed to invite guests over.

It doesn't sound like she specifically said your partner wasn't welcome. Perhaps she assumed that since he doesn't regularly accompany you, he wouldn't this time and there would be the two of you as usual.

If you really want to suss out if she means DP then you could always say something along the lines of: "well, DP may get to join us for an evening if he can get away from the office. is that alright?"

That would put her on the spot where she can either say that of course DP is ok it's all those strangers that she meant, or confirm your suspicions that DP isn't welcome at her house.

Original poster

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:38

Thanks for replies. She does mean dp as I don't know anyone else there. I told her that it would be just me and dd. So if she does think he's going too, then she's strongly suspecting me of being underhand.

OP posts:

Tamarto · 06/08/2009 10:38

Why do you think it was a strange reply? Seems perfectly reasonable to me. YABU

Dizzyclarebear · 06/08/2009 10:42

At the risk of sounding nosy, why does your DH hate her?

Mamazon · 06/08/2009 10:42

id imagine she was saying either A) your Dp is rude enough to ignore when your normally making use of my hospitality so he can bugger off now or B) and IMO more likely, i don't want you bringing friends down as well.

YABU

jeminthepantry · 06/08/2009 10:45

She is probably aware that you make excuses as to why your DP doesn't come with you- I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be offended.

Can your DP not make a bit of effort sometime?

I make an effort to accept my DPs family and friends.

itwasntme · 06/08/2009 10:46

YABU

You asked to stay in HER house. If your husband cannot bring himself to be polite to her, why should she do him any favours?

Servalan · 06/08/2009 10:46

Sorry but I think YABU. I really don't see what the problem is. She doesn't have to let you use her house when she isn't there, so if she has been kind enough to do it then fair enough if she sets ground rules.

Original poster

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:47

I'm not my dp. I'm not responsible for whether he visits her. Why should she be annoyed with me?

OP posts:

muddleduck · 06/08/2009 10:48

YANBU.

I would also be greatly offended by the use of the word "hubby"

Servalan · 06/08/2009 10:49

I don't see anything about her message that suggests she is annoyed with you Puffling? She's letting you and DD use the house when she is away, which would suggest to me that she is fine with you.

posieparkerinChina · 06/08/2009 10:49

fair enough iyam.

CyradisTheSeer · 06/08/2009 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jeminthepantry · 06/08/2009 10:51

But she didn't sound like she WAS annoyed- just being straight, giving ground rules, it IS her house!! Can you not try and think about WHY she wrote this to you? ie bit of empathy, seeing things from her perspective?

I think you know really, but it's easy to get the hump about things like this

EyeballsintheSky · 06/08/2009 10:52

Well you are a bit responsible. It's your job to be the intermediatery middle man and try to smooth over troublesome relationships. It would be his job if you hated someone in his family. I know, I had huge battles with PIL and DH had to work hard to get us together. I think your aunt is completely justified in what she wrote, but maybe how she wrote it would bother me. The whole note seems a bit impersonal, not just the no guests bit.

LoveBeingAMummy · 06/08/2009 10:52

Don't see the problem, she is obviously aware that you are making excuses for him and is probably offended by it. Why shoudln't she feel upset by that?!

YABU

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 10:53

puffling - she is extending the invitation to those who bother with her - she is not gettting 'annoyed'. I thought the tone of her reply was very civil and diplomatic given that she clearly doesn't want your DP there.

mumblechum · 06/08/2009 10:54

I would read that as meaning that she doesn't want you bringing friends with potentially destructive children down with you.

In any case, I think she's being perfectly reasonable. She could easily have said no. I wouldn't be comfortable having people staying in my house when I wasn't there so I think you should accept graciously.

Stigaloid · 06/08/2009 10:54

YABU - there is nothing wrong with her reply. It is a request, she has said yes but only for you 2. Your DP sounds the rude one to not go and visit.

Original poster

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:57

I'm her niece. I've known her years. Why use words like 'stipulate?' It sounds ridiculous. It's bad enough having a dp who's intractable without having to reply to a message like that.
I wish I hadn't asked.

OP posts:

VamonosUpTheKhyber · 06/08/2009 10:58

Is it at all possible she might not not mean your husband when she stipulates 'only you two' - she might think there was a possibility that you would bring some friends with you for a weekend away?

The note does seem a bit curt, but that could just be her usual style. Maybe phone and talk to her about it, just saying you're calling to reassure her that if you do go, you won't be inviting anyone round for wild parties and it will just be a quiet family holiday?

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