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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by message from my aunt.

123 replies

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:27

I have just recently been down to stay with my aunt who lives by the coast. I always go alone with dd as dp can't abide my aunt! This is a bit awkward, but I make excuses for him e.g. he's busy with work.
In a few weeks time, my aunt will be away. so I thought I'd ask her if myself and dd could use her house for a few days as the weather's been so bad here and dd loves it there. When I asked, I apologised if it seemed a 'cheeky' request and would be fine if she preferred we didn't go. She said she'd chat to her husband and get back to me.
Anyway she has replied saying:
'Hubby and I have discussed your request (!) and feel we will be happy to let you and dd stay here for a few days while we are away. We would like to stipulate, however, that only you 2 stay in the house.'

I guess she thought I planned to go with dp without telling her and thought well if he doesn't come when we're here, he's not coming when we're not. I wasn't planning to go with dp, and if he did go, the neighbours would see him!
I'm so shocked by her response, I feel angry.I'm not repsonsible for dp and don't feel I deserved such a strange reply.
Apologies for long post. Am I unreasonable, and what should I reply?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 06/08/2009 14:13

Just one example, sorry HG, you were the first one that caught my eye!

By HolyGuacamole on Thu 06-Aug-09 11:11:32
Same as everyone else, YABU. If your DP can't be arsed with her, why should she be arsed about your DP?

Its ok for your DP not to like her, but the minute she says that he is not welcome at the house with you, you are annoyed? I don't get that.

StealthPolarBear · 06/08/2009 14:14

yes, I agree proverbial. I just get unreasonably irritated when someone makes an incorrect assumption in an AIBU reply (fair enough) and then it's corrected but 100s of posters follow all saying the same thing!
IABU, I know

notsoteenagemum · 06/08/2009 14:23

One or two white lies yes but everytime OP visits though, when the Aunt is probably feeling hurt that dp 'can't abide' her, have probably taken their toll.

I do feel sorry for the op because her dp should be grown up enough to be civil to the Aunt, however still think the op is being unreasonable.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/08/2009 14:23

OK I read it that it was OK for you and your DD to go but just asking for reassurance that you weren't going to invite other friends down that she doesn't know.

flashharriet · 06/08/2009 14:29

The issue is not your Aunt, the issue is your DP. If he came every visit and you'd made the same request and your Aunt had sent the same reply, you wouldn't have assumed at all that it applied to your DP, you'd have thought that Aunt just wanted a bit of reassurance that there weren't going to be strangers in her house. It's only because your DP is being rude to your Aunt by never visiting that her reply can be seen as anything but normal. I think you're incredibly lucky and your ire is being directed at the wrong person tbh.

FranSanDisco · 06/08/2009 14:41

If you feel offended, which is your right, then decline the invitation. However, I cannot see how she is being offensive - her house, her rules. Your dp on the other hand has been rude in avoiding your aunt and so perhaps you should take issue with him. I cannot stand my mil but for dh's sake and her relationship with our dc's I have to suck it up (and will be doing so again at the end of the month [pursed lips emoticon needed].

Merrylegs · 06/08/2009 14:46

Ah, but proverbial - is the Aunt being generous and kind? If she was she would have said something like - "yes, of course you can stay in the house. Hope you have a lovely time."

I don't see the big deal in letting family stay in your house if you aren't going to be there. She's not doing an amazingly selfless act. Especially as OP seems to be a frequent visitor. And given that, I do think her wording is a little odd. Unless the OP has a history of turning up with all and sundry, it seems a bit of an unnecessary thing to say - UNLESS the aunt perhaps wanted to make a point about the DH not going.

But until OP tells us what he finds so unbearable about this aunt, it shall all remain a mystery....

TELL US!!!!

franklymydear · 06/08/2009 14:50

If you were your Aunt would you want someone who you know dislikes you to the point of never visiting being in your house when you weren't there?

I certainly wouldn't and I would make it bloody clear those were the terms if I agreed to allow my neice and her daughter to use my house

Using someone's house involves them cleaning it in preparation rather than just packing and leaving

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/08/2009 14:53

"Using someone's house involves them cleaning it in preparation rather than just packing and leaving."

And stashing the porn sex toys drugs safely filing confidential stuff.

proverbial · 06/08/2009 14:54

I think its generous and kind. I wouldn't let anyone stay in my house while I was away, but then I am neither generous or kind! And I think that doing it for someone that consistently lies to you while taking your hospitality on a regular basis is even more generous.

jujumaman · 06/08/2009 14:59

YABVVU. You said yourself it was a cheeky request why shouldn't your aunt have a few "stipulations". In any case, I'm with those who think she's not referring to your dp but to you bringing down other friends - which is a completely reasonable concern.

But if she is referring to your dp - then tough. It sounds as if he's hurt her feelings and if you're going to take advantage of her hospitality she is going to take advantage of your request to let you know how she feels.

EyeballsintheSky · 06/08/2009 15:13

Well I'm not getting generous and kind. I'm getting 'backed into a corner so, well, I suppose it's alright now that you've asked'. I wouldn't accept an invitation couched in those terms, no matter how cheeky the request. That response would tell me that the real answer is no. There's not much grace in that response.

And I do think the DH deserves a kick up the arse, I'm not saying he is right although I don't think we know why he dislikes the aunt so much, she may be an axe murderer (!). But this isn't about him really, it's about something between aunt and niece and if that's how some of you would speak to your nieces then I'm glad I have the family I got.

lynniep · 06/08/2009 15:16

I think you just need to look at it from her point of view.

Imagine if she'd come straight onto the MN boards after your request, and asked our opinion of if all.

e.g. My lovely niece wants to bring her DD to stay at my home whilst I'm away. I'm almost positive she just means the both of them, but I'm concerned that I got the wrong end of the stick. I dont want my home used as a free-for-all.

Its quite clear to me that her DH dislikes me and as such I'd feel uncomfortable having him in my home whilst I'm away. I don't think she means to throw a big party either, but I how on earth do I say tactfully but clearly that of course it would be lovely for her and DD to stay, but I'd rather she didn't bring anyone else?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/08/2009 17:38

WHY DOESN'T YOUR PARTNER LIKE YOUR AUNT???????

I apologise for shouting but lots of people have already asked and you haven't noticed!!

abraid · 06/08/2009 17:59

I thought she just meant don't ask another family to come with you, rather tha meaning your husband.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 06/08/2009 18:16

Sorry but YABU and I think you know it.

famishedass · 06/08/2009 19:06

YABU - if you're annoyed with your aunt because you feel she may not trust you then don't use her for free holiday accommodation.

Why does your dp dislike her?

SammyK · 06/08/2009 19:17

I am curious as to why he doesn't like her too.

If I were your aunt I would probably have said no TBH, wouldn't want someone stayng in my house while I was away (that's just me though). I think she has been kind to agree when she obviously didn't immediately have the urge to agree to.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2009 20:15

Your aunt's note reads to me that she's fine with you staying because she knows you, has seen you in her house and knows how you will treat her house. Her 'stipulation' is that she doesn't want strangers in her house because she doesn't know how they will treat her home, not having seen how they behave. Said strangers may well include your DP, because if he hasn't been in her house, she can't know if he, e.g. would thoughtlessly put a hot cup straight onto her beloved french polished table and lands her with a bill to get the ring out. She doesn't know if he/anyone else would or not, but she's disinclined to take the chance.

I'm with your aunt on this one. Since you were only planning to go with your DD anyway, why is her stipulation a problem?

(YABU, by the way.)

Original poster
puffling · 06/08/2009 20:18

I've been out all afternoon, put dd to bed and now having a look thru' replies.

StealthPolar Bear - thanks for mentioning what I'd said was my actual concern.

Here's a bit more background, if you're interested. My aunt lives 400 miles from me and I don't drive, so I go and visit once or twice a year by train. She has been here before several times but hasn't come up in the last few years. She is however welcome any time. Her husband is getting on and finds long trips difficult. There is no feud between dp and aunt. He is always pleasant and civil with her. He just doesn't much like her and doesn't want to take time off work to see her. If I had a mum and he felt the same about her, I expect he would make the effort to see her. My BIL is irritated by her too. My sister and I can see exactly why she irritates them, but we are fond of her and like to see her.
Need to go and eat dinner now. Am aware that nearly everyone on the jury feels I'm unreasonable but have not yet decided what to do next. I'm grateful for responses tho.'

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 06/08/2009 21:13

eyeballs "Well I'm not getting generous and kind. I'm getting 'backed into a corner so, well, I suppose it's alright now that you've asked'. I wouldn't accept an invitation couched in those terms, no matter how cheeky the request. That response would tell me that the real answer is no. There's not much grace in that response."

i also get 'backed into a corner so, well, I suppose it's alright now that you've asked' but imo to say yes rather than no under the circumstances IS generous and kind. perhaps she doesn't want them there (i wouldn't) but doesn't want to cause a fight by saying no? that's generous, imo, very much so.

NotanOtter · 06/08/2009 21:18

puffling i didn't

Original poster
puffling · 06/08/2009 22:10

What didn't you Notanotter?

OP posts:
NotanOtter · 06/08/2009 22:11

think you unreasonable!!

Original poster
puffling · 06/08/2009 22:14

Thanks!

OP posts:
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