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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by message from my aunt.

123 replies

puffling · 06/08/2009 10:27

I have just recently been down to stay with my aunt who lives by the coast. I always go alone with dd as dp can't abide my aunt! This is a bit awkward, but I make excuses for him e.g. he's busy with work.
In a few weeks time, my aunt will be away. so I thought I'd ask her if myself and dd could use her house for a few days as the weather's been so bad here and dd loves it there. When I asked, I apologised if it seemed a 'cheeky' request and would be fine if she preferred we didn't go. She said she'd chat to her husband and get back to me.
Anyway she has replied saying:
'Hubby and I have discussed your request (!) and feel we will be happy to let you and dd stay here for a few days while we are away. We would like to stipulate, however, that only you 2 stay in the house.'

I guess she thought I planned to go with dp without telling her and thought well if he doesn't come when we're here, he's not coming when we're not. I wasn't planning to go with dp, and if he did go, the neighbours would see him!
I'm so shocked by her response, I feel angry.I'm not repsonsible for dp and don't feel I deserved such a strange reply.
Apologies for long post. Am I unreasonable, and what should I reply?

OP posts:

branflake81 · 06/08/2009 11:01

I think she probably means no guests.

However if she does mean don't bring your DH then she has a point: why should he get to stay in her house when he can't make the effort the rest of the time?

I think your aunt is being incredibly generous and hospitable and you should appreciate it.

EyeballsintheSky · 06/08/2009 11:01

Well I don't know what all your relationships with your aunts are like, but that note, to me, is horribly formal. I can't imagine getting a note like that from any of mine, even the ones I have less to do with. It's a bit of a tangent, but what is your relationship like with her? She sounds a bit distant.

I would have received something like; 'Uncle Bill and I have had a chat and it's fine for you and dd to stay here while we're away, as long as you understand that it's just the two of you and not that husband of yours.' What you got sounds very snippy. Is that her usual style?

Servalan · 06/08/2009 11:01

What's wrong with the word "stipulate?" I honestly don't think she's being arsey - all she's saying is that she wants to set down some ground rules.
It's her home. She won't be there. Not everyone would be so kind as to let someone stay when they weren't there - loved one or not.
Sounds to me like letting people stay when she's not there is a little out of her comfort zone, so she's just making what she's happy with clear.
I really, really don't see what the problem is. All I can think is that the way your DP behaves has been preying on your mind and you are imposing the way you feel about it onto your aunt.

proverbial · 06/08/2009 11:02

You have a pretty unanimous YABU, are you ignoring it?

NotanOtter · 06/08/2009 11:03

i think yaNbu

she sounds a bit ferocious or maybe pious in the email

i am pretty sure she does mean your do

iiwy i would just email all jolly ho and say 'thanks soooo much - course it was just you two whyever not?'

muddleduck · 06/08/2009 11:04

People often use an overly formal writing style when they are dealing with difficult personal situations where they do not want to cause offence.

BTW I think you are right to assume that this is directed at your DH and is nothing to do with friends etc. I think she thinks it is unreasonable for you to use this as a base for your family holiday and I don't really blame her. I wouldn't want someone who clearly disliked me staying in my house when I wasn't there.

Stigaloid · 06/08/2009 11:04

Erm - i think you are being overly precious. Stipulate is a perfectly fine word to use. She is leaving her house empty and allowing you in to use it - some people aren't so generous - whether it is for family or not. I think you should be grateful she said yes and enjoy a few days away with your DC

EyeballsintheSky · 06/08/2009 11:05

Servalan, so is the language used what you would expect from your family? Not the message, just the language. Sorry only picking on you because you were the last post

If I got that note I'd wish I hadn't asked as well.

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 11:07

puffling - she's obviously struggled with the dilemma. She knows that your DP doesn't like her and then you have put her in a position (you even admit it was 'cheeky') where she may have to hand over her house to you. She clearly doesn't want to fall out with you but didn't want to carte blanche be taken the piss out of. Sometimes the older generation do find it hard to voice these things and in order to ease the way they make a very formal statement summing up a whole world of other considerations (I know because my parents do this...)

With all respect to you, I think the reason you 'wish you hadn't asked' is because you are being a little bit selfish about this and don't like the truth.

Servalan · 06/08/2009 11:08

Truly eyeballs, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 11:11

Agree with Servalan - if I'd risked a 'cheeky' request to a relative, then I would risk that they might feel a bit miffed and reply in a way that wouldn't be to my liking.

HolyGuacamole · 06/08/2009 11:11

Same as everyone else, YABU. If your DP can't be arsed with her, why should she be arsed about your DP?

Its ok for your DP not to like her, but the minute she says that he is not welcome at the house with you, you are annoyed? I don't get that.

I'd say your Aunt is being very reasonable as she has sent you the message in a non offensive way - she could easily have said "I don't like him, don't bring him"......but she has been more measured than your DP it seems.

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 11:16

Sorry - just got the 'wish I hadn't asked' as in the Aunt - not the AIBU post!

I agree, you shouldn't have asked.

DandyLioness · 06/08/2009 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

puffling · 06/08/2009 11:24

I'm not annoyed that he's not welcome. Why should he be welcome? I understand that bit.
I'm annoyed that she thinks I'm underhand and would secrete him in.

OP posts:

jeminthepantry · 06/08/2009 11:25

Original poster

puffling · 06/08/2009 11:26

Dandylioness. I asked her over the phone and as I mentioned earlier, I specified that it'd be me and dd only not dp.
I'm not annoyed that she doesn't want dp there. I'm annoyed that she doesn't trust me.

OP posts:

proverbial · 06/08/2009 11:27

Wasn't it a text as well? So economic use of language matters, I would have said stipulate as well (although my family would probably take the piss out of me, as they go more for the ru cmg 2day sort of text!)

I'm with the aunt on this one, I think she is being very generous but saying she doesn't want someone who dislikes her in her house. I don't want even people who do like me in my house when I'm not there, so she's a better woman than me!

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 11:29

Well then send her a lovely reply thanking her profusely and assure her that it will just be you and DD. Be the bigger person about it.

If someone I care about is suscipious about my motivation I would go out of my way to reasurre them and keep the relationship on an even keel. Remember that she is doing you the favour. She owes you nothing.

ihavenosecrets · 06/08/2009 11:32

Your DP can't stand her and it sounds as if the feeling is mutual. I wouldn't want someone to stay at my house if I didn't like them.

HolyGuacamole · 06/08/2009 11:32

OK then, I wouldn't take her message as being that she doesn't trust you. I think she was just emphasising that it is just to be you two, that she was just making sure you wouldn't assume that your DP could go too.

I know your DP doesn't like her, but we all have to make a bit of effort at times. If he made effort to make the occasional visit with you for the sake of peace and manners, you wouldn't be in this position.

DandyLioness · 06/08/2009 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tamarto · 06/08/2009 11:36

I can't believe you have an issue with your aunt over this, she is being kind enough to let you stay at hers while she isn't there, which btw i'd allow no one to do, and you are taking umbridge at the wording she used while saying yes.

curiositykilled · 06/08/2009 11:37

YABU - you made yourself the middleman in this by lying to her about DP's feelings. You have been encouraging DP to behave like a child by allowing him to be rude to your aunt for years instead of telling him to grow up.

Your aunt has obviously been quite generous to you and dd, imagine how she feels. Maybe she believed DP was always working and she was doing something nice for you all these years - imagine how she might've felt finding out your DP was just being rude and you were covering up for him?

If you're in a marriage or serious relationship you have to love tolerate your in laws as you love tolerate your own family, especially when you share children. DP is the one being rude and unreasonable to make trouble for you like this but your cover stories have been allowing him not to deal with his issue and you aunt probably feels very betrayed.

I think I would get DP to call the aunt and sort out his own mess with her. Maybe I would call aunt, explain and apologise first and then pass the buck firmly back to DP.

curiositykilled · 06/08/2009 11:41

Oh and I'd probably invite her to come and stay with you and DP so you could stop this silly feud and get to know each other properly.

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