to think that people who find out the sex of their baby during pregancy - but don't tell others what it is - are slightly egocentric?

[mhmummy]

After all, why should it be so important to anyone else? I'm talking about those people who get the scan done, and then tell you that they know what it is but they're not going to tell you. I mean, why should I CARE?

YA a bit U.

Re names we've decided on names for this dc (am 8 months pg) but have kept them prtty much to ourselves. Not egocentricity just not wanting the experience we had when pg with dd when everyone freely gave theor somewhat unwelcome\opinions on our choices, mostly family i have to add statements such as "oh no darling you can't use that as a name i really don't like it" (my mum) and "persuade e not to use x as a boys name it's horrible" (to dh from MiL, name was nathan).

so this time will be a surprise for everyone!!

To me it is a bit like when someone says "There is something I know but I cannot tell you" my response is always "Why did you bother to say anything in the first place you stupid, egocentrical twat, now piss off and go and annoy someone else".

I couldn't care less about the sex of anyone else's child. I agree with the OP but expectant parents do think that everyone else in the world cares when they don't.

Am due on so excuse the harshness of post.

If you really didn't care you wouldn't even raise it because it would be insignificant to you.

Don't let these things get to you, especially if you think they are trivial, it's not worth the stress.

Part of me also thinks you would be better of if you respected the different views of others, it's ok to disagree, but doing it in a respectful way will make you feel much better.

Just my opinion - which you asked for x

YABU. People have all sorts of personal reasons why they don't want to share the news. Uncertain sexing; simple superstition; wanting to avoid hurtful comments about being "disappointed" at another girl/boy ... all perfectly valid. If you actually ask them outright, why on earth should they have to lie and say they don't know. just to save your poor little feelings? How effing stupid, and how offensive to then say that they are the self-important ones.

On a side note, I am surprised at some of the posts here claiming that asking about the baby's gender is necessary, even if you don't really care, because you need to ask in order to show an interest and seem polite. WTF?

I am not saying it is offensive to ask, but it's far from a given that you have to make this enquiry in order to pretend to be interested.

Really not impressed with some of the harsher posts on here slamming reticent parents-to-be. Fuck the fuck off. If indeed you "couldn't care less", then why not spare everyone your insincere questions?

Well my daughter in law is booked in to have a 3d scan with Bupa so we can find out the sex of my new grandchild I can wait!
She will be 18 weeks and five days and i have known people to find out at 14 weeks the sex of the child.
I am so excited at being a first time grandparent so i want to know so i can start to buy pinks or blues!

I will say this again to everyone who thinks it's smug , maybe they just don't want to tell anyone but are crap liars. I wouldn't have been able to lie and say we didn't know. Why is it all about you (the person asking) and not the couple themselves, who are entitled to do whatever the hell they want? If you don't care then don't bloody ask them. Problem solved.

Totally do not blame people for not telling names. Others are so bloody rude about chosen names. Loads of 'you cant call it THAT!' and 'OMG I knew a boy called that in primary and he was HORRIBLE'. Nah.

The sex thing - hmm not sure. I suppose it depends on the tone. Its probably better to say 'we dont know' and this stops people bugging you.

I never wanted to know before and they wouldnt tell you when DD and DS1 were born anyway. Whilst pg with DS3 I did ask. I needed to know because I had just lost my DD and I knew that I would need time to prepare (as much as is possible) if I was having a girl. I think it wouldve been too much to cope with at the birth (either way). The lovely sonographer told me at my 12 week scan. Me crying my eyes out might have had something to do with it! I was overcome with emotion at being in a hospital again and I think she wanted to shut me up!

Would probably ask again for the same reasons.

I did tell those who wanted to know. I didnt see the point in not.

mhmummy Maybe people do this because they would rather not lie and say they don't know the sex. Maybe they just don't like lying

Hi chegirl !

Hello luvvy! Good point about the lying BTW. I think I would be like that

I agree with everything DorotheaPlenticlew said. However, you can't win either way. If you tell people the sex, they then make remarks about it having spoiled the element of surprise. So why did they ask then if they wanted a surprise? We have always wanted to know, rather than having a surprise, just in case there was some slight preference one way or the other. If you know in advance, then you have time to get used to the idea, so you are not secretly disappointed at the birth of your child.

we have found out the sex, but are not telling people. i have not foisted this little tit-bit onto people, but people have asked us if we know and we have said we do, but that we are not telling. But it is not because we want to be meanies or go 'we know somthing you don't know...'. It is just that we are happy either way and if the sonographer got the sex wrong it doesn't matter to us. Curiosity just got the better of us. However, if we tell people that it is a girl, and then it actually turns out to be a boy, then people might make a big deal of it, or be pissed off if they have bought us somthing which is gender specific.
We have also not told anyone our names ideas (unless they come on here, then they might have a good idea - ha ha!) because we don't want to pick somthing we like before the birth, for some friend or family member to pull a face and say they don't like it or that it's unusual/different etc etc. Once the baby is born and we have called them the name, it is unlikley anyone would voice a negative opinion on it...and that suits me!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I had this the other day with a friend. I asked if they'd decided on a name and she had, but wouldn't say. I asked why, and she said, "There have to be some surprises left!"

It felt far too precious for words. No, that's not right... it felt like I wasn't important enough to be let in on their secret. Which I probably am not! But in my deluded way, I obviously prefer to believe I am right up at the top of everyone's Favourite Friend list. I wanted her to say, "Liste, we're not telling anyone but I just have to tell you."

I have now vowed to secretly mutter swear words at the baby every time I'm near it, so that its first word is "fuck". Fair punishment, imo.

completely agree with op

ha ha yes I agree- a pet hate of mine. I can understand finding out but not wanting to tell people so lying and saying you haven't found out - fair enough. But that 'oh I know but this is our special news so we are not telling anyone' makes my teeth itch.

For this reason I never ask the sex - they can tell me if they want to, but another exchange like the one above risks me losing my lunch.

Beautiful.

You admit you are "deluded", but are still prepared to feel justified in being annoyed ?

We found out but only told a close friend and my parents, everyone else we told that we didn't know because so many people were sooo obnoxious about how wrong it was to find out. It made me glad that we didn't say anything because of peoples attitudes, and yes it was nice to have this special knowledge as it made the thing seem so much more real for me when I was talking to my bumps. I would never have said I know but I'm not telling you cos that does seem cruel, but the number of people that asked if we knew and then had to make a nasty comment about couples that found out really surprised me. I didn't want to lie but felt forced to.

I think expectant parents are perfectly within their rights not to tell/or to divulge. Its their business for a start and their surprise if they want. I'm due any day now and hoped to find out the gender earlier in the pregnancy but in Scotland you only get 1 scan at 12 weeks so it was too early. I would have kept it quiet. What I cant understand is why people cant mind their own damn business anyway, I'm sick of people asking us if no3 was planned,(our sex life not theirs) sick of people saying oh so you'll be hoping for a girl and sick to death of people discussing other peoples fertility in minute detail as in oh my friend/sil/ has got... For example my mil has given me a blow by blow account of her other daughter-in-law's attempts to conceive. Happily they now have a son but at one point I had to cut the conversation short as it just felt wrong to be discussing her like she's a grandchild producing machine.
I mean if people want to volunteer info about their personal lives great but i hate hearing about stuff second hand.
As for names, we've told everyone our choices but if other people decide not to, who the hell cares?
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I've now read all posts. Just to add I don't mind people asking if we know the gender or if we've picked names. But people are getting their knickers in such a twist about not getting an answer to these questions.
I think most people who've been preggers before or had a pg partner should have a degree of empathy for women who don't like comments on their bump/size/shape everyday. This is my 3rd pregnancy so Im used to all the daft questions/comments from strangers and I just take them with a pinch of salt. But apart from the how are you keeping? sort of questions I tend not to get too personal with pg folk who can be forgiven for being a bit grumpy/precious at the best of times!

YANBU
You only really ask the sex out of politeness.I mean if its not your own DC what the hell does it matter to you.
Slightly diffrent with the name I think.I mean people feel they can comment negatively on a name which hasn't yet been given , wheras once the baby is born and the name is a 'done deal' no-one in their right mind would criticise.

My sister did this, told everybody they had found out what sex their un-born was but then said "but we're not telling". I would rather not know they knew.

She also did the same with the name!

I can't stand people telling me they have a secret but they're not telling. Its childish.

OOh while we are on the subject the ones that really pee me off are those that don't find out, then act all smugly superior about it for some reason. Why does not finding out make you a better person? We came across this again and again.

Oh and those that don't find out then do lots of old wives tale type tricks such as dangling things over the bump and walking round the room, consulting the man in the grocers who knows about such things etc to find out the sex. If you were that interested why didnt you ask the scanner?!

Feel better now.

One of my friends said throughout her pg she didn't know the sex, why find out, nice to have a surprise etc. Turns out they knew all along. Fine, but then she was as bad as all those she was bad-mouthing.

And it is small talk. I was talking to a patient the other day who volunteered that he's a Freemason and that they meet several times a month. To make small talk I asked "what do you talk about?" and he then replied he couldn't possibly tell me, Freemasons can't. I thought how childish. He's probably telling his friends now how inquisitive people are etc.

That's the thing, it's often just small talk, not a massive issue or something of great importance, but when someone says it's a secret it's as if it's national classified information.
But I never got the surprise thing anyway, a baby was a good enough gift for me and knowing what it was whilst still pregnant added a lovely insight and I happily told anyone who asked, and the names, it's something lovely to talk about. "It's a secret" is a bit of a conversation stopper. People ask because there are few other things you can ask about apart from maybe how pregnant you are or aches/piles etc! Poss best to not ask anything at all to those who may be easily offended... God no, then you've haven't noticed that they're pregnant and in their bad books, or worse, don't think it's worth talking about at all!