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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people who find out the sex of their baby during pregancy - but don't tell others what it is - are slightly egocentric?

150 replies

mhmummy · 05/08/2009 13:52

After all, why should it be so important to anyone else? I'm talking about those people who get the scan done, and then tell you that they know what it is but they're not going to tell you. I mean, why should I CARE?

OP posts:
trellism · 05/08/2009 17:41

Oh, I see I've already said that.

It bore repeating, I feel.

QueenNeurosis · 05/08/2009 17:48

We've told immediate family and close friends. We've had a few boundary issues with some extended family so we haven't not told them to be self-important, but just because we want to put a wee bit of distance. Can see where the op is coming from but being pg is stressful enough and this works for us.

Satsuma1 · 05/08/2009 18:31

We did know, but my parents wanted a surprise so we didn't tell anyone.

When people asked if we knew, I said that we did and explained why we weren't telling people. I was amazed at how many people got really uppity about it and actually expected me to put them before my own parents! If there's a next time I'll just lie.

I think the OP is being unreasonable and rather obnoxious actually!

VeryAngryGusset · 05/08/2009 18:51

It just strikes me as such a personal piece of information and therefore totally the parent's prerogative to decide whether to share.

I don't really like to know what people are having (it's a personal thing) but I would ask if they know without wanting to know myself. IMHO it is like asking a bride-to-be if they have their dress yet without expecting chapter and verse on what it is like.

Horton · 05/08/2009 18:57

I knew and my husband didn't because he wanted a surprise. I just wanted to know. I would be gobsmacked by the sheer cheek if anyone thought they had a right to know when my DH didn't and didn't want to!

GumtreeGirl · 05/08/2009 19:23

We did this - basically it was our information to give out or not, and we weren't going to lie and say we didn't know.

Same with names; if you tell people it gives them carte blanche to dismiss or approve, and chances are that you'll get someone being rude about your favourite name, which would then be awkward to use.

The other reason not to tell the sex - it saves well-meaning friends and rellies buying up everything in blue/ pink - if I'd had a girl and told people I would have been inundated in Pink, which I loathe. So safer to keep schtum.

Seriously, though, it's the parents' information - why get so upset if they want to keep it to themselves? It's not as if everyone else has a right to it...

jacyjwc · 05/08/2009 19:55

YABU op. Can't see why this would bother you so much. Didn't find out what any of mine were going to be, but if I had I would have probably not told anyone else.

I also don't really like to know what other people are having. Prefer surprises when my friends are having their babies. Lots of my friends find out but don't tell - don't see anything wrong with that.

Mose people don't say their name choices. I sometimes ask people if they have chosen - I don't actually ask what they have chosen.

Really hate it for some reason when people tell the sex and name in advance.

mrswill · 05/08/2009 20:00

YANBU-

I totally understand about the names thing, as everyone likes to name bash when you have ideas.

I think its fair enough if the parents want to keep the sex private for themselves, but its when they go around telling people they know, but its a secret, it makes them look petty and a little bit weird, why dont they just tell people they dont know the sex??. Anything about the baby is going to be more important and interesting to the parents, so why they think that other people would care enough about what the sex is, i dont understand. what is the reasoning is behind it, surely it just makes pregnancy a more stressful time with all the family trying to get it out of you, but im sure il find out when i read the rest of the thread! How can anyone keep a secret for 4 months

Tanith · 05/08/2009 21:17

"Why should it be important to anyone else?"

Well, when I was expecting my DS, my father was terminally ill. He wanted to know whether it was a girl or a boy in case he died before DS was born.
It was our first baby and we wanted it to be a surprise, so the midwife at the scan wrote it down for him in a sealed envelope.
In the event, he did survive just long enough to see his first grandson.

YABU to make a sweeping statement like this. It's up to the parents whether or not they want to know and who they want to tell.

MrsMerryHenry · 05/08/2009 21:21

What a weird OP. Yes, YABU, why shouldn't they be able to keep such news private?

As for keeping names to oneself (note to posieparkerinchina) - there's a very good reason for doing this, which is that lots of extremely unsubtle, unthinking people have been known to rain piss down on their friends' choices of baby name, thus totally ruining the name for the parents-to-be before said child has even been born. So I would never tell a name until after birth, after which even the bluntest of rude people somehow manage to contain themselves whether they like the name or not.

MrsMerryHenry · 05/08/2009 21:29

Tanith - how lovely that your father was able to see your DS!

Joanow · 05/08/2009 22:21

ha ha this is great!!
we are planning to find out, although we wont tell anyone that we know the sex.
as this is the 3rd pregnancy (last 2 miscarried) naturally we have aready found a few names we are thinking about.
but I do agree that people telling you 'we know but wont tell' is a bit stupid. either tel evryone what it is, or just dont tell them you know....

BrieVanDerKamp · 05/08/2009 22:31

A lot of you seem to think that we said it's not OK for them to keep the info to themselves.....no that's not it,

what it is about is when they say "oh we know but we're not telling you/anyone"

it's just quite pathetic, like they want to hold your attention for another 20 bloody weeks, bit needy and attention seeking for my liking.

But if parents want to keep it to themselves then of course that's absolutely fine, it's their news they can share or not share with who they like.

But how poncy to say "we know but we're not telling"

I have heard from from people with the sex and names.....you almost expect them to follow the sentance with "na na na nana"

notsoteenagemum · 05/08/2009 22:46

Exactly Brie, and to be honest I think it's the same with the name as well.
People are always judgey about names regardless of whether the baby is born or not. It makes me think the parents are either attention seeking or they are not confident enough about their choice.When DD was born the first thing a lad DH worked with said was
"Why the f**k did you call her that?" and my Grandma merrily told me 2 day old DS would never be Prime Minister with a name like that.

cthea · 05/08/2009 22:54

Agree with OP, Brie and others. And you could turn it around and say why do expectant non-telling parents care so much about others that they want to give them a huge surprise when they don't want the same surprise for themselves. As for the surprise bit, it can only be one thing or the other and no outsider can influence the sex.

I don't think the unisex clothes are much nicer than girl/boy ones. How many hues of beige can you get? And that's assuming friends are so thoughtful to buy them in advance.

corriefan · 05/08/2009 23:11

I think fair enough if you don't want people to know, but it got up my nose once when i was having a general chat to a pregnant colleague about the sex/name of her baby and she said "no we're not telling that" with no explanation as to why and i felt a bit admonished and also a bit like so who is it that is actually that bothered?

Longtalljosie · 06/08/2009 07:35

But then why are you asking?

I suspect the amount of people who say, oh yeah we know the sex now but we're not telling, is pretty small.

Everyone asks. Which is fine by me as we're telling. But people do ask - and if people don't want to tell, it's up to them.

If you don't want to run the risk of people admitting they know but aren't telling, don't ask them the gender in the first place.

stuffitlllama · 06/08/2009 07:38

weird to be upset/annoyed/use exclamation marks/start a thread/think about it for more than ten seconds

someone tells you they know but they're keeping the info to themselves

oh my god the sky is falling

sleeplessinstretford · 06/08/2009 08:31

i never want to know what anyone is having,for me it's a bit of a let down,my friend had sections so she'd say things like 'i am having baby XYZ on the 22nd of blah' (name and date of birth) it was always a bit of a let down (her 4 births) it takes away my excitement (which i accept is secondary of course but still)
When I was having dd2 we were having weekly scans from about 32weeks to monitor her growth,the friend I refer to up there came with me (at 38wks) and said to me 'ooh,lovely,you do know what you're having don't you?' so i said 'no' (i was desperate to find out but dp didn't want to know and i am a right gobshite so would've let it slip) So,she knew,4weeks before I did that I was having a girl (to be honest i thought when she'd said that she'd seen a willy so had it in my head it was a boy!)

EyeballsintheSky · 06/08/2009 08:57

Maybe they are saying they know because you've asked if they know and they're not good at lying? Doesn't mean they want to share the information with you and it doesn't mean they are being self-important. And even if they were, bloody hell, if there's one time in your life when you're entitled to be self-important it's during pregnancy.

As for why people would be interested, does no one see a baby as part of a community then? I didn't until I had dd and I realised that what I actually had was shared ownership. Other people want a piece of her all the time; grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and they are sort of entitled to it, as we see in the many many threads about issues with PIL etc. So of course people are interested and this 'your baby, what do I care' attitude is a bit strange and not my experience so far.

sammysam · 06/08/2009 09:00

Their baby their choice-surely?

We found out this time, but haven't told anyone we know because we don't want anyone to know. It is private between DP and I. If we told anyone (and EVERYONE asks if we know-and can't understand when we say we don't know-especially as I've had scans every 4wks) then we'd have comments (eg from MIL-oh you'll have to have another as it's another girl), more name suggestions etc etc.
We wanted to find out (more dp than I) to know if we needed to buy more or not, but also to be prepared (if it were another dd) for the comments from DP's family who are convinced he really wants a boy-shows how well they know him!!!

I'm not sure if it is because we haven't told anyone in RL that we know, but we don't refer to the baby as a girl. We still always talk about it as an it iyswim-perhaps that has helped us to keep it quiet

Astrophe · 06/08/2009 09:16

We did this - had no idea people were offended.

Our reasons - well at first DH didn't know
(didn't want to, but he did change his mind)

  • we didn't want to tell our other DC the sex, and then for them to be disapointed if it were wrong.

-I love the phrase winkywinkola used before - it was a 'delicious secret' which DH and I wanted to hug to ourselves for a little while, before we shared DD with the rest of the world. We loved the specialness of the two of us knowing, it was really lovely.

-fwiw, we only told people we knew if they asked. If they were random strangers in the shops, I just said "I don't know", but I didn't want to lie to my friends, who would probably later realise I had lied - why should I?

Pregnancy is such a personal, intimate, special time. Some people love the excitement of the surprise, some love to share the excitement of knowing and telling everyone, others like the quiet excitement of knowing and hugging their secret...so...whats it to you? Viva la difference, oarents should just enjoy pregnancy and birth as well as they can.

nix72 · 06/08/2009 09:20

Of our 4 children we only found out the sex of our last one.
Our third child died when she was three and I felt I needed to know what sex my fourth was so I could prepare myself as throughout the pregnancy I couldn't actually believe I would have a baby at the end of it. We kept it a secret, didn't tell anyone, not even our older kids who are 10 and 8. The surprise for everyone else was lovely. We made it clear that we knew but that we wouldn't be telling and no-one put pressure on us to tell them. As I was having a section I felt that I needed to have something to announce, to me it just doesn't feel exciting when I find out that a baby whose sex and name I have known for months is born.
As for names, we have never shared ideas as then people feel they have the right to comment and tell you they don't like it. Far better to present an already named child to them then they get used to it whether they like it or not.

mumtoboys · 06/08/2009 11:00

I completely understand people wanting to keep it a secret. Some people are unbelievably rude expressing opinions about what you're having - "you'll have your work cut out", "were you hoping for a girl", "good you can stop trying now" etc. etc. It's realy no-one's business but the parents.

We're not finding out this time because the comments annoy me so much with 2 boys already.

Mon13 · 06/08/2009 11:02

I had friends who knew but wouldn't tell anyone (expect a few select friends I found out later) and I thought it was annoying. I would not have minded at all if they had said they don't know either, but the way they went about it seemed a bit smug. No one minds if you genuinely don't know, but knowing and not telling can appear rude.
I knew with dd and did tell people because I wanted to share the excitement of expecting my fist baby. With curent pg I will find out shortly but may not tell people that I know... Everyone already has an oppinion that this is going to be a ds (Why?)
As for names, forget it. We did not discuss chosen shortlist for dd with anyone because some of the views really are quite strong (ie offensive), especially from close family.