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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people who find out the sex of their baby during pregancy - but don't tell others what it is - are slightly egocentric?

150 replies

mhmummy · 05/08/2009 13:52

After all, why should it be so important to anyone else? I'm talking about those people who get the scan done, and then tell you that they know what it is but they're not going to tell you. I mean, why should I CARE?

OP posts:
RustyBear · 05/08/2009 14:11

If you mean someone coming up to you in the street/playground/toddler group/wherever and saying out of the blue "I know the sex/name of our baby, but I'm not going to tell you", then yes, that is a little precious, but not something I would brood over - it certainly wouldn't stay in my mind for long enough to type a thread title.

If you mean (which mhmummy's latest post seems to imply) they are saying it in response to a question, then why should you expect them to lie about it & say they don't know if they do but just don't want to tell anyone? And presumably, if you asked the question in the first place, they have good reason to think you do care....

SpawnChorus · 05/08/2009 14:11

Oh, and we also kept DC2's name secret as we didn't want the inevitable "feedback" and "constructive criticism".

branflake81 · 05/08/2009 14:12

YANBU. It's faintly self-important not to tell people the gender if you have chosen to find out.

Names are bit different since they are a matter of personal choice and can be commented on/changed. The gender is fixed.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 14:12

mhmummy, a large number of people do want to know. Pretty much the first thing people asked me with DD was "do you know if it's a boy or a girl" to which I replied "yes" and left it at that.

Should I have lied in order not to appear "egocentric" What a load of nonsense.

RustyBear · 05/08/2009 14:16

branflake - the fact that the gender is fixed doesn't stop people making annoying comments about it - as my friend found out when she was expecting her fifth girl....

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 14:19

posiep - sorry i just called you nosyp - ha!!

OP posts:
arolf · 05/08/2009 14:19

branflake - and OP - surely nobody NEEDS to know the gender of the baby except the parents and possibly the doctor, and then it's only in cases where there is a genetic reason for needing to know. Otherwise it is just for fun! So why should a couple who find out the gender then have to tell others what it is? Most people only go through this a few times in their life; let them do what they like! Unless you have plans to marry your child off to theirs dependent on its gender, why is it any of your business?

nettie · 05/08/2009 14:21

My cousins just found out the sex of her upcoming child, but her DH doesn't want to know what it is. How she's going to keep it a secret I don't know, I know I'd let it slip.

posieparkerinChina · 05/08/2009 14:21

I am rather nosy!! I want to know the sex and the name!! My last two babies I have known the sex, name and date of birth weeks in advance!! The only thing I didn't know was weight...I'd would have told anyone who would have listened, I am Mrs Life story on a first conversation!!

SecretSlattern · 05/08/2009 14:22

YABU - in my situation, I was desperate to know what I was having the first time but DH absolutely did not want to know. He came to the scan with me and then went outside when I was told I was having a girl. So when people knew that I knew, they wanted to know too, but out of respect for DH, I wouldn't tell them because he really didn't want to know. It wasn't because I was egocentric at all. It was more of a respect thing.

Longtalljosie · 05/08/2009 14:22

YABU - because it doesn't work like that.

We've been upfront that it's a girl but DH doesn't want people to know the name. I agree, because I don't want anyone trying to change my mind.

So we don't bring it up at all... but everyone asks if we've decided on the name yet, so I just answer honestly that yes we have, but we're not telling. What else would we say? We could lie and say we haven't decided but that would just be odd.

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 14:25

branflake - i think self-important is a better description than egocentric, in retrospect

SoupDragon - imo people ask that because they're making conversation (I know I do). I mean, why wouldn't you tell them what it is if you (the mum) know yourself? I'm genuinely interested.

I mean, you could say it's none of their business whether its a girl or a boy, but at the end of the day it's only going to be one or the other so what difference does it make?

OP posts:
chocolaterabbit · 05/08/2009 14:25

DH and I found out the sex of this one. We have told our immediate families and a very few friends but no work colleagues/ random people who ask on the street etc partly because I don't want to have to deal with the inane comments - we already have a DD so MUST want a DS when actually we only found out for interest, not because we're bothered.

I also would like to keep a little bit of the preparation and anticipation for my family rather than shouting it around. Sorry if that makes me self-important. If it helps, we're telling people we don't know.

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 14:26

Names are totally different - I think it's perfectly reasonable to not invite comment about a potential name as they're so subjective. But gender... well, it's 50/50 so what difference?!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/08/2009 14:26

I think the point is that it isn't really any of our business, so why the cloak and dagger act.

And should you lie just to get people off your back? Yes. It's a tiny, white lie. Why say you know the sex if you are going to keep it a secret, why not just say that like millions of parents, you don't know the sex.

When you were first pg you probably 'lied' about why you didn't want to drink alcohol etc and nobody considers this to be real dishonesty, it's how pg is dealt with.

As for all this 'none of anybodys business' stuff, I wonder how people would feel if they didn't get cards, presents, visits, good wishes etc upon the birth of their baby. It's lots of people's business.

chocolaterabbit · 05/08/2009 14:26

Sorry, just to be clear. We're telling people we haven't asked about the sex, not mentioning the sex to random people we don't know

arolf · 05/08/2009 14:29

morriszapp - it's other people's business once the baby is born, yes. before then, the only person it should really matter to at all is the baby itself. The parents who made that baby, and possibly the healthcare folk who are caring for them, can find out, but it's surely up to them whether they want to broadcast the information to the world before their sprog emerges?

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 14:30

V interesting how many other family members want it to be a suprise for their own sakes - hadn't heard of that before and that makes sense as a reason.
I can also understand that if you've had two or more of one gender, it would be annoying if people made negative comments about expecting another of the same gender.
I guess in my OP I only had first timers in mind and hadn't really thought beyond that....

OP posts:
pagwatch · 05/08/2009 14:30

I don't think self important is much better than egocentric.

I am not sure why you expect people to lie to you - what an odd idea! I am not a very good liar so would have struggled to lie to everyone who asked me.

I didn't want to tell anyone we were expecting DD. I actually didn't want to know myself but DS1 was there for the scan and asked the Doctor.
I didn't want to talk about the babys sex or name or anything else for the same reason I don't buy clothes etc until the baby is born. I am just a bit supersticious.

So if I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to lie why should I go throw hoops to suit someone who has nothing to do with me or my child.

Anyone who asks and is then sniffy about the answer is a twat.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 14:34

"why wouldn't you tell them what it is if you (the mum) know yourself?"

Perhaps because it's none of their f-ing business? Should I also answer the question "So, what sexual position did you use to conceive your baby?"

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 14:36

If you don't actually want to know and claim to care so little, don't ask. I find it's fairly egocentric to expect someone to answer a personal question when you actually aren't interested in the answer.

pagwatch · 05/08/2009 14:36

soupy

can I just ask? When you conceived your baby...

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 14:37

[snigger]

lynniep · 05/08/2009 14:38

In my experience its other people who ask what the sex is - if they didnt ask me I wouldnt tell them whether I knew or not.

But I dont see why it offends anyone that someone says they know what it is but arent saying. Theyre not bragging - theyre just excited.

I knew what DS was but wouldnt tell. Thats because DH didnt know and didnt want to. Some people got that. Some people banged ON and ON (and ON) about it ( I only told them that I knew if they asked me directly if I did)
I got really sick of trying to explain that if DH didnt know, why should anyone else? Hardly fair on him. 'But I won't tell him' didnt cut the mustard. The very idea of someone else knowing and not him was just wrong.

This time, I found out, DH knows, and therefore everyone else can know as well. But once more it was everyone asking ME - not me telling them I knew.

giraffesCantCatchSwineFlu · 05/08/2009 14:41

I think keeping the sex a secret is a bit bizzare however totally understand keeping the name a secret to avoid opinions.

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