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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people who find out the sex of their baby during pregancy - but don't tell others what it is - are slightly egocentric?

150 replies

mhmummy · 05/08/2009 13:52

After all, why should it be so important to anyone else? I'm talking about those people who get the scan done, and then tell you that they know what it is but they're not going to tell you. I mean, why should I CARE?

OP posts:
JemL · 05/08/2009 14:43

Some people have close family members who don't want to know (like my MIL) and it doesn't seem right to tell people who aren't as close when family and good friends don't know.

The main reason I can think of is that sexing at the scan is not 100% and some people don't want months of jokes about how they thought their DS was a DD, as happened to someone I know - she still gets comments about it now, 2 years later.

DH and I do know the sex of our baby, but we have told everyone we didn't find out - so we don't quite fit into the type of people you talk about. I am, however, prepared to share that the baby, like DS, was conceived on the living room sofa

Longtalljosie · 05/08/2009 15:05

MorrisZapp - so to get this straight...

We're allowed to find out, and it's fine for other people to ask us if we have found out, but if we don't want to tell you it's necessary for us to lie about whether we know or not, lest you think we're self-important.

Riigghhtt.

dexter73 · 05/08/2009 15:14

I kind of agree with the op. When some friends of ours were expecting a baby they came round after the scan to see us. They must have mentioned several times how they knew the sex of the baby and how exciting it was. I thought this was a prompt to me to show interest and ask what the sex was. "oh we aren't going to tell anybody" was the reply.
Well tbh I wasn't that interested in knowing and was just being polite and asking the question but as they kept going on about it I thought they wanted me to ask. They could have found out and just kept it to themselves!

WinkyWinkola · 05/08/2009 15:15

But you care enough to start a thread about it?

I think it's a delicious secret, to know the gender and keep it to yourself. God knows, the maelstrom of everybody knowing your business and judging you (more) after the baby is born is enough to deal with.

Let the parents just keep what information they like to themselves.

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 15:15

Hmmm this has all got slightly out of hand...

Longtalljo - I think MorrisZapp was making the point that it's the 'but if we don't want to tell you' in itself which could be construed as self important because - in not telling - you're assuming that it's going to make any kind of difference to them whether you tell them or not.

As I've said, if someone's DH doesn't want to know, or any other relative for that matter, or if any other exclusions apply in relation to sensitivities around gender etc, then I do see the point. [phew]

OP posts:
skihorse · 05/08/2009 15:19

YABU - when I finally have a successful pregnancy I shall want to tell the entire world because I will be so happy. I won't give a crap whether anyone "cares" or not - I will and that's all that will matter.

dexter73 · 05/08/2009 15:21

I think what the op is trying to say is that if they want to keep it a secret that is fine but don't keep going on about how they know if they have no intention of telling you.

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2009 15:23

Thanks mhmummy. Look. People who ask 'do you know the sex' are as often as not just doing the normal British thing of saying the obvious question - just like we always mention the weather.

It's not because we 'care so much' that we ask about the sex. It's becuase you're pg and we feel we should take an interest! The point is that we care a bit, but with greatest respect, we're probably saving our real 'OH MY GOD I CARE SOOO MUCH' feelings about our er, own lives.

So the cloak and dagger approach can seem a bit 'we know something you don't know' about something that in our darker moments we might feel like saying 'I was only being polite, I don't care if it's a boy, a girl or a gremlin, it's just that all you talk about is your PG and your scans so I thought I'd make conversation in the vein that suited you'

Or variations thereof.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 15:31

"it's the 'but if we don't want to tell you' in itself which could be construed as self important because - in not telling - you're assuming that it's going to make any kind of difference to them whether you tell them or not. "

Or, maybe, just maybe they don't give a fck whether it makes a difference to you*, they just don't want to tell anyone...?

CarmenSanDiego · 05/08/2009 15:31

I think you have a point there, OP. But I don't get how weird and precious people are about pregnancy anyway.

On Mumsnet, talking to anyone about any aspect of their pregnancy appears to be a complete minefield with people taking offence and then starting a thread because they were asked the most innocuous of questions.

What are you allowed to ask a pregnant lady?

'Do you know what you're having?'
'Thought of any names?'

No. Both too controversial.

So... 'Are you enjoying the weather?'

SoupDragon · 05/08/2009 15:34

What is the correct response anyway - to lie and say "I don't know" or to tell you when a) you don't want to know and b) they don't want to tell you?

midnightexpress · 05/08/2009 15:34

YABU. By assuming that the gender thing is different from the name thing, you are making a big assumption. There were plenty of people who told me how I must be hoping for a girl when I was pg with ds2. If I had known (which I didn't) and had told people, I'm sure I'd have had my share, of 'oh you must be disappointed it's not a girl' comments.

It's none of your business what people do or do not choose to share with you. Especially when you don't give a monkeys whether it's M or F.

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2009 15:38

I've said it a million time Carmen. Before I came on MN I thought it was safe to make small talk with women of child bearing age. Now I swerve away and pretend I can't speak English* rather than engage in a conversation where every word I utter will be taken as loaded with judgement, meaning and rudeness when in fact I'm just trying to interact, and where my casual interest is taken as prying.

  • I don't actually do this.
Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 15:43

LOL MorrisZapp!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 15:43

Que?

OP posts:
BrieVanDerKamp · 05/08/2009 15:44

Haven't read all of thread,

But it is a bit odd, don't get me wrong I think having babies is exciting and lovely and all that and would wish anyone well, but it's quite school playground to say they know the sex but not tell anyone.

Remember the kids at school "I've got a secret and I'm not telling you". For me it's all a bit like they want to hold your attention for as long as possible or for you to keep on asking them or something.

I had a friend who did this with their baby's name, quite ridiculous.

Had it poseted all over facebook for weeks that her and DH were deciding on names but not even telling what the choices were, just seemed the really love stringing everyone along and getting all the attention.

I'd love to just reply to someone who says we know what sex it is but not telling you by saying "well I don't give a shite anyway, I'll know when it's born".
Just joking though really! Just be good to see their face.

It is annoying, but not the end of the world, if we don't care what sex it is it doesn't really matter that they don't tell.

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 15:48

BrieVDK - no problem that you haven't read the thread, you haven't missed anything

you've summed up what i was trying to say in a nutshell (or perhaps something slightly bigger - like an eggshell)

OP posts:
BrieVanDerKamp · 05/08/2009 15:50

Carmen....no there's another you're not allowed to ask either, saw it on another thread earlier.

"are you having any more kids?"

apparently that's awful too.

When it comes to some pg women they can be a little odd, you're not to ask them anything or look at their bump sideways..........but must give up your seat on bus/train, give extra consideration to etc etc

wasabipeanut · 05/08/2009 15:51

All of this can be avoided by not finding out gender and being too useless to actually agree on a name until after the baby is born.

This worked a treat for us last time and am planning the same approach now.

notsoteenagemum · 05/08/2009 15:53

I agree with op in a way.
My SIL Some people seem to flaunt it (she pixeled out the genitals on the 3D scan FFS) same with the name (she said "I'm just sick to death of names ending with y or ie" knowing fine well my dc have both of those) but then she couldn't understand why we weren't all begging her to tell us.

BrieVanDerKamp · 05/08/2009 15:55

notso, that's hilarious, what a twat your sil is, lol

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2009 15:55

Also if you see your friend/ colleague with a huge baby bump you're not meant to say 'wow, it's really grown' or anything as this is like soooo boring and they hear it from everybody.

Can't you think of anything original to say like 'Hark! I believe I hear the first cuckoo of Spring' whilst looking anywhere but at the humungous bump.

Original poster
mhmummy · 05/08/2009 15:56

So Morris, are you having any more kids?
Or is it just too much beer?

OP posts:
BrieVanDerKamp · 05/08/2009 15:56

I know!!!!!!! PMSL

But god forbid you don't show any interest in said pregancy that'll be wrong too

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2009 15:57

SHE PIXELLED OUT THE GENITALS?????

That's it. I quit. No, seriously. I'm done.