to think that people who find out the sex of their baby during pregancy - but don't tell others what it is - are slightly egocentric?

[mhmummy]

After all, why should it be so important to anyone else? I'm talking about those people who get the scan done, and then tell you that they know what it is but they're not going to tell you. I mean, why should I CARE?

See, this is what I love about MN - you learn so much about things that really offend some while many of us couldn't give a fig.

The name thing seems obvious to me - people are far more likely to sneer at names you mention when pregnant than they are once the baby arrives and is monikered (unless they are very rude indeed).

Ok so you have a pg woman talking to you, stroking their belly and talking about the piles, strechmarks, heart burn this child is giving them (you all know they do it)

How do you respond then,

Can't ask name, sex, if you'll have anymore or comment on size of bump.

So what the hell is the response.

If pg women don't want anyone to talk/ask about pregnacy/baby etc etc then why bring it up, cos most of them do, at least every 20 mins

I'd love it if anyone asked me about my pg, or commented on my bump, but sadly work in an office full of men who only speak to eachother in Java or Perl.

That said, remember that pregnant women are by their very nature, almost 90% hormones, and thus irrational. what's a lovely conversation starter to one person will be deeply offensive to another. Personally, if someone took offense at me asking them what gender their baby was, I'd probably just not talk to them again - however, if they said 'oh, we're keeping it quiet for now' I'd leave it at that. If someone bounded up to me and said 'We know the gender of our baby, but we're not telling you!' i'd be bemused, but put it down to hormones If someone told me I was getting fat, I'd probably be a bit miffed, but saying 'ooh, your bump has really grown!' would be lovely. It's all down to the battiness of the individual really!

I have a lot of admiration for people who are clear about what they will and won't be including everyone in. I met a pg woman at a wedding recently and I asked her if she knew the sex. She said a bit huffily that she did, but she and her DH weren't telling anyone.

She was pleasantly surprised by my response, which was "Good for you, I can totally respect that!"

I just can't get my head around why people have to know the sex of their baby in advance (unless you need to know for genetic/medical reasons)? Somebody used the phrase "delicious secret" about knowing it and not telling anyone. I think it's one of life's huge mysteries/surprises - why the need to know? Genuine question.

My nieces have all found out the sex of their baby in advance "cos we hate surprises, want to know what colour clothes to buy and how to decorate their rooms" - that just seems a little bit controlling and mundane. Their named son was born and we were waiting for the announcement and it was "she's had a boy" (oh we knew that), he's called X (oh we already knew that) - so the substance of the announcement was basically "he's alive and well and out the womb and Mum is relieved" which I know is fantastic news in itself BUT kind of less exciting. Realise I might be in a minority of one on this thread

"Can't ask name, sex, if you'll have anymore or comment on size of bump."

Can't imagine why not. People do this all the time to me - they are showing an interest and making conversation. I would object to 'Oooh aren't you getting fat?', but asking if we know the gender (we don't) or what we're going to call it isn't impolite, and I don't know anyone who thinks it is.

glasjam - we didn't NEED to know, but as the ultrasound tech said she could see and tell us if we wanted, we decided to find out. but we're not telling the name for that reason - it'll make the announcement more fun for my family - rather than 'oh, baby arolf is here and weighs X amount', my other half can call them and announce the name too (we're also not telling the name as it's REALLY winding my mum up, and she's been pretty ghastly of late, and we're worried that we'll change our mind about the name when he arrives!)

Ultimately, we liked knowing as soon as possible, as we're both deeply impatient with presents and secrets of any kind. We'll find out for sure soon enough, but it was nice to know earlier. We would have lived with not knowing though! We certainly weren't planning any private scans just to find out, unlike some folk I know!

glasjam, isn't it strange that we obsess so much on the name, gender and weight of a baby and these are always included in newspaper announcements and so on.

I suppose its difficult to discern the personality of a newborn that easily, but I don't feel that once I know the name and gender of a baby, the game's over. These are only two little aspects of a whole person. I am more excited about actually meeting the baby (or at least seeing pictures and hearing stories) and seeing what he or she is like.

The thing is, being visibly pregnant makes you a walking target for pregnancy and baby talk, and what's worse, a receptacle for unsolicited advice.

Most of the time a pregnant woman can take this in good humour, but there are bound to be days when you are sore, tired, anxious and bored. Those are the days when an innocent enquirer asking a question you've heard 17 times that day might feel the sharp edge of your tongue.

I think this goes for any visible, but personal, feature that is used as a conversation starter. I once had a very pleasant train journey sitting next to a man who was nearly 7 foot tall. The ticket inspector said "My, you're a big fella, aren't you?" and he replied "Zazoom, hur de dur de, haw he haw." After the ticket man went, he explained that all his life people had used that as a conversation starter and some days he just couldn't handle it, so he pretended to speak a little-known European language.

I quite fancied him, actually

I've found out the sex in all my pregnancies at the routine scans and was happy to know. I don't really enjoy surprises and it helped me prepare both practically and emotionally for the baby's arrival. Don't really see why that's controlling.

Gently does it - nobody ever offers me advice! In fact, this weekend was the first time a stranger has even commented on my (obviously) pregnant state, and I was thrilled even though she did say 'ooh, you must be ready to drop any day now!' and in fact I'm only 33 weeks!

I'd quite like some unsolicited advice

I don't tell people because:

I don't want gender-stereotyped gifts
I want people to try and guess using all sorts of folk remedies and magic spells
It's nice to have a secret.

However, I don't announce to people that I'm not telling them, it's just what I say when they ask.

I know MorrisZapp and BrieVDK she is a complete twunt and now really pfb obv.
Poor old DN I'd hug him except I haven't been de-loused and anti-baced sufficiently.

oh dear arolf. Perhaps I just have a natural "Help me I have no idea what's going on" look about me!

I've got friends who are either expecting or just had their babies and out of them 1 didn't know and 2 did but none of them told anyone till the birth. They wanted to know but kept it secret from others as well as names secret.

My brother and partner are expecting first and he wants to know but she's not sure - how they'll work that one out I don't know!

I think we would want to know and that i'd tell my mum and dad but not other people - but until it happens I guess you don't know for sure.

Friends are generally supportive and happy whatever you decide and if they are good friends they wouldn't push for info if you didn't want to give it.

DH and I both knew with DS3 but we didn't tell people that we knew, and they still don't know that we knew in advance all these years later. This is mainly because we were going to be in a position to know but were not sure whether we wanted the information or not-we compromised by finding out but still keeping a bit of a surprise.

I don't get why you wouldn't tell people the sex if you knew (although I suppose it's only your business in the end), but I do get why people don't divulge names. DP and I had a miscarriage before DD and we just felt really superstitious and not quite right about giving her a name before she was safely (thank god!) delivered. Even to ourselves, although we had a good idea. I think this was because we had gone through the experience of uninvesting in the first pregnancy. I know it would be just as painful - but I also think of all those people who have gone through so much to get pg, and/or suffered losses and I can absolutely see why they wouldn't want to tell names. I suppose it makes the baby real to the world, and not everyone is ready/confident enough in the outcome for that.

But the sex thing I just don't get. Oddly enough today is the anniversary of the due date of that first pregnancy - made much happier by the sound of 6mo DD chortling and squealing downstairs as she bashes a pot with a wooden spoon .

I have to say I find it mildy irritating too.

You ask 'oh do you know what you are having?' out of polite curiosity, then get told 'yes but we are keeping it a secret' like you are some kind of eco-terrorist or some such nonsense who cant possibly know what gender their precious baby is or you might oh I dont know steal their baby...

It does just seem so self important like people who say 'oh I know a secret but I cant tell you' or 'well of course we have access to information that normal people dont'- you didnt give a damn what they knew until you are told you cant know then you are irritated half to death by it

I think thats the irritation for me, its exactly the same as you saying to someone 'oh hi, how are you? Are you going on holiday?' and them replying 'yes, but I cant/ dont want to tell you where'

Ok... whatever weirdo ...

so no, YANBU, IMO

My MIL (well meaning but total pita with DC1)was extremely irritated at not being told the sex of dc3 as soon as I'd had the scan(DH and I just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a couple of days)..her words.."so you know what it is and you're not going to tell me" .So I thought I'd better tell her as she was clearly going to get arsey about it.Wished I'd let her stew a bit longer though..Sorry ,but if I feel like being a bit "egocentric" for a bit whilst pregnant I WILL

Personally I think it's all in the tone and wording.

There's "We do know but we're not telling you/anyone"

and "We did find out at the scan but we decided to keep it under wraps until the baby's born".

The first would come across like it's personal to you asking, as if you or all and sundry are begging them to spill the beans or worm their secret out of them (when you've just been making polite conversation you could feel a bit affronted), whereas the second is more about them and their wishes which you couldn't help but respect as it's no reflection on you IYSWIM.

We know but aren't telling (people in rl anyway). We have told people we don't know though. Trouble is we did this with ds and though they believed it first time, they don't this time around. So most people know that we know- but it isn't out of choice. In fact its really annoying having people try to second guess, pick up on stuff I say and say 'ah it must be a girl/boy then'. I don't know why you would plan to tell people you know but aren't telling, it is a bit odd.

BTW. Both my parents and my PIL all made a big fuss about how it was wrong to find out the sex of the baby in advance as they prefer it as a surprise.

I said that as DH and I wanted to find out, we would still be doing so but not tell them what it was if they wanted a surprise.

Both Mum and MIL were totally irked and said that if DH and I were "determined to find out" we were to lie and say we didn't know, as they wouldn't like it if we said we knew but weren't telling them.

Even though they WANTED a surprise it still had to be on THEIR terms.

We did find out and lied that we didn't know. Gosh that was a long 4mo til the birth, particularly as my mum was highly suspicious that we had found out so was forever trying to catch me out with "he" and "she" when I was referring to the bump and keeping a beady eye on whether I was looking at the pink or blue stuff in Mothercare.

It was a FLIPPING PAIN in the neck. Next time we are finding out and ringing them and telling them. They'll have to deal with it

Ooh, what are you having Bigbang?

I couldn't tell the sex of my DDs till they were born crossed legs and all that i really wanted to know but DH didn't..but tbh why say you know the sex and then say I'm not telling..hahaha..weird..but hey it's their business..

I don't tell people because:

*I don't want gender-specific presents
*I like letting people guess

But I don't announce that it's a secret, that's just if people ask.

I didn't realise it annoyed anyone.