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Original poster

To confront DH over unfaithfulness?

162 replies

printererror · 02/08/2009 16:47

Ok, I'm an idiot and am regretting my actions hugely.
I have been married to DH for 6 years, love him to death and am pretty sure that he feels the same and we have two great kids. Today I stupidly decided to log in to his facebook account and see who he's been chatting too. It's not a trust issue, I was genuinely just being nosy. Anyway, I found an old email between him and a mate when they were both in the US on business arranging to meet up etc. In the email there is banter about a prostitute that DH booked.
I feel sick, humiliated and violated and am going to have to confront him about it as I cannot get it out of my head.
Funnily enough we had a drunken conversation last night about being unfaithful, him swearing blind that he has never cheated on me.
I know I am totally unreasonable for checking his FB messages, and I genuinely regret doing it now, so I know I can't tell him that I have done this. I can make up a story about hints being dropped that he might have been unfaithful by mutual friends etc. But do you think I'm being unreasonable in confronting him over it, or do you think I should just let it go.
By the way, I hate this friend of his and know that he is constantly unfaithful to his wife and DH knows I hate them hanging around together as I feel he's a bad influence.
It could be that this was just a case of boys banter and that he didn't really sleep with her, but I need to know either way.
So go on...give it to me...

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2009 12:15

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DaisybabyScaredOfCows · 03/08/2009 13:16

Good luck, I really hope he is honest with you. The wait for a reply must be awful.

HolyGuacamole · 03/08/2009 13:38

Best of luck printererror.

DandyLioness · 03/08/2009 14:02

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melmog · 03/08/2009 14:31

Thinking of you Printererror.

CountessDracula · 03/08/2009 14:46

Hope all is ok x

Original poster
printererror · 03/08/2009 16:16

Thanks all. Well his immediate reaction was on the defensive, why are you checking my emails etc. But when pushed said that it was just a silly and very childish joke. I am struggling to believe this but he has come up with some fairly valid reasons why it just wouldn't be possible for him to have slept with a prostitute, a bit long and complicated but to do with where he was staying etc, so I might be a mug, but I am leaning towards believing him. He thinks talking about it in email is not getting us anywhere so will talk to me properly about it tonight.
Thanks to all of you for your invaluable support and advice. I couldn't have got through the last 24 hours without you x

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DandyLioness · 03/08/2009 16:23

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gingernutlover · 03/08/2009 16:27

his immediate reaction was on the defensive - not a good sign, quite predictable that if he feels guilty about something then he will try to shift any wrong doing onto you ie looking at his emails. Not suggesting he is lying about that, but certainly has something to feel guilty about. I would be furious with dh if he had written this in an email as a joke or as a brag to a friend to impress them, shows total disrespect to you even if thats all he has done.

Have you confronted him about the emails to the lady friend?

Print yourself copies of all of this and keep them safe - I would. You never know when you might need the proof. Think of it as insurance for yourself.

Good that he has agreed to come home and speak to youabout it all though, hope it goes well.

Keep smiling and keep strong, and keep asking questions no matter how defensive he gets.

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 16:30

I disagree - if my husband suddenly sent me emails thatw ere in my private facebook account from 18 months ago i would be defensive and irate too. I think you should listen to what he has to say and if your gut gives him the benefit of the doubt then go with it. Not all men are scumbags and whilst he may have talked big that doesn't mean he cheated on you. I would however lay the law down about his friend and say that it has to end as this is a moot point if he wants to work on/save your marriage.

Original poster
printererror · 03/08/2009 16:53

I will confront the friend emails tonight when we talk. One of his points is that he is not terribly confident with women, and hasn't had that much experience (we've been together since we were 17) and therefore would never have the guts to sleep with a prostitute, so I think that gives me a good way in to ask about the 'Gorgeous' comments to this friend. I know what he is going to say though. They have known each other since they were about 5 so it's just friendliness. But I am going to bring it up because it has made me feel uncomfortable and I need to completely clear this up if I am ever going to let him out of my sight again!

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 03/08/2009 16:57

His defence as to why he hasn't slept with a prostitute is that he's shy?

Isn't that why a lot of men go to prostitutes?

But agree that a face to face conversation is needed.

KiwiKat · 03/08/2009 17:29

Forget the 'gorgeous' comment, it's the 'getting out to see you' comment that I'd be worried about. Flirting CAN be harmless, but planned deceit is almost always dangerous.

Nancy66 · 03/08/2009 17:49

I think far too many people are projecting their own experiences onto the OP.

Of course he's defensive and pissed off, he has had his emails hacked and his privacy invaded.

i can't see that telling a long standing female friend that he wants to try and see her points towards infidelity.

SomeGuy · 03/08/2009 18:06

Prostitutes are designed for shy men! The confident ones just go out to a bar/club and bring someone home/go back to theirs.

I don't see what there you are staying with has got to do with anything.

dittany · 03/08/2009 18:12

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DandyLioness · 03/08/2009 18:47

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DandyLioness · 03/08/2009 18:52

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Nancy66 · 03/08/2009 18:57

Dandy - he doesn't talk about thinking of her all night, he talks about being up all night - understandable as they have a baby.

I'm just worried that there are too many people on this thread talking about contacting solicitors and freely brandishing words like 'liar' and 'cheat.' He might well be both of those things - but there's pretty flimsy evidence to hang him with.

DeFluffMyFanjo · 03/08/2009 19:02

Sorry but it doesn't sound like a one off either:

"Last night was interesting, they are never what they seem".

they are never - thats not a one time experience. So either he's been to more than one prostitute or he's lied/joked about seeing prostitutes with this friend before. Which just seems totally weird. Why would anyone do that??

And if he was just joking / lying to his friend, do you really want to be with someone who tells others that hes cheating on you (whether he is or not)?

I'm afraid more likely explanation is that he's been playing around.

pamelat · 03/08/2009 19:05

I think most of it has been said. I just want to reiterate that its not too bad to have checked fb or email.

I once found out something horrid via checking email. Confronted then boyfriend and told him how I knew. He was very convincing and I wondered if I had imagined it but had fortunately printed it. Went back in and he had deleted messages = guilt.

Never beleived him. It the end (after months back and forth) he admitted it and I could never forgive him.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 20:22

You know what, if you want to stay with him - stay! That's ok. That's your choice and god knows I'd be the last person to be able to say leave leave leave with what I've put up with over the years! But do it with your eyes open.

You are burying your head in the sand and believing what is, face it, quite probably a load of shit. That's because it's less painful than facing the other possibility.

don't let him turn this around to you checking fb and email. You can say "I'm sorry I did that, now let's talk about you visiting a prostitute." Don't let him focus on what you did as a means of drawing attention away from what he may have done. Keep bringing him back to his email. Say you are going to contact his friend if you have to!

DandyLioness · 03/08/2009 20:46

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Original poster
printererror · 04/08/2009 07:07

Ok, here's how it went. He swore that he hasn't cheated on me, ever, and never would. Loves me too much and would never risk losing me, the kids blah, blah etc. The email was a joke, a silly, childish one he admits, but was able to show me the continuation of the conversation from his MSN history, where the friend asks how the 'ho' was, and he says 'I was only joking mate'. We addressed the issue of referring to women as 'ho's', plus the disrespect that I feel from him even joking to his mate that he would sleep with a prostitute.
On the email to his friend, he was genuinely able to explain all the comments. Was up all night drinking with his brother, after he left this girl (had to rush off) to go and find said brother who had disappeared whilst on a night out. I think I may have made the context sound worse than it was. The 'getting out to see you' was basically meeting up for a drink again soon. Ie. we live quite remotely and have two kids, so getting out to town. It didn'timply sneaking out in the middle of the night. It was a bit of flirty banter with an old family friend that he has known for years. The girl in question is also getting married soon which I didn't know about and was out with her Fiance on the night in question, there is actually mention of seeing the Fiance in the email as well. So I am entirely satisfied with this.
He answered all my questions and there is no doubt left in my mind that he is telling the truth.
There was no comeback about checking his emails, he is not going to change his password as he says I can check on him anytime as he has nothing to hide.
He is very sorry for even making me think that any of this might have happened and the hell that I have been through for the last couple of days.
So, all kissed and made up. Some of you may think I'm a fool, but I believe him, I love him and I want to be with him, so am going to try to leave this in the past.
As I've said before, thank you for all your advice and comments, I really couldn't have survived the last couple of days without you.

OP posts:
ZippysMum · 04/08/2009 07:12

Hi Printerror,
I've been following this thread and I am pleased to hear you have been able to sort this out.

FWIW, I don't think you are a fool. Sounds like your dh was a bit silly but that he has been open with you and if your gut instinct tells you he is telling the truth, go with it.