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Original poster

To confront DH over unfaithfulness?

162 replies

printererror · 02/08/2009 16:47

Ok, I'm an idiot and am regretting my actions hugely.
I have been married to DH for 6 years, love him to death and am pretty sure that he feels the same and we have two great kids. Today I stupidly decided to log in to his facebook account and see who he's been chatting too. It's not a trust issue, I was genuinely just being nosy. Anyway, I found an old email between him and a mate when they were both in the US on business arranging to meet up etc. In the email there is banter about a prostitute that DH booked.
I feel sick, humiliated and violated and am going to have to confront him about it as I cannot get it out of my head.
Funnily enough we had a drunken conversation last night about being unfaithful, him swearing blind that he has never cheated on me.
I know I am totally unreasonable for checking his FB messages, and I genuinely regret doing it now, so I know I can't tell him that I have done this. I can make up a story about hints being dropped that he might have been unfaithful by mutual friends etc. But do you think I'm being unreasonable in confronting him over it, or do you think I should just let it go.
By the way, I hate this friend of his and know that he is constantly unfaithful to his wife and DH knows I hate them hanging around together as I feel he's a bad influence.
It could be that this was just a case of boys banter and that he didn't really sleep with her, but I need to know either way.
So go on...give it to me...

OP posts:
bronze · 02/08/2009 23:42

I know it was a year and a half ago but if prompted in the smallest way I can remember pms I've made to people and messages I've left on walls etc. I don't buy he forgets writing that to be honest

HolyGuacamole · 03/08/2009 00:01

Agree with shiney. I have too many t-shirts from a previous life to believe that someone could have emails like that and be completely innocent.

The way he was asked about it, IMO, was not enough to bring out the truth behind it. But also, it depends on whether you want to know the truth or not. It is a difficult position and there is a lot at stake. Whether you want to pursue it is up to you but I think it will have changed things for you.

If he thinks you are on his tail and if he does have something to hide, he will probably go on and delete the emails and/or change his password.

KiwiKat · 03/08/2009 00:07

I phoned the woman my ex-dh was shagging to ask her how long she'd been sleeping with him, expecting her to deny it, but instead she said that it was 'a couple of months'. After I got off the phone, I confronted ex-dh, who was in the shower, with the news that I knew he was having an affair because she had told me. He was so convincingly morally outraged, that he had me nearly believing that I WAS going mad, and that she just had a crush on him. But then he left me for her a few days later, so at least I knew that I wasn't losing my marbles. My point here is that people can be very convincing liars. Or - and I hope that this is true in your case - innocent.

Which I realise isn't particularly helpful.

dollius · 03/08/2009 07:08

"Men just brag to each other"

No they don't!

SoupDragon · 03/08/2009 07:21

If you won't be honest with him about something like looking at his FB messages, why do you expect him to be honest with you about something major??

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2009 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HolyGuacamole · 03/08/2009 08:59

Yes shiney, after major suspicions I confronted my first ex with an actual answering machine message from the OW, he denied it?! At first I trusted him so much I believed it when he told me he was doing 18 hour shifts......I was very young and gullible.

My second ex, well he was a master of deception and I could fill a thread with his bullshit. He was a Policeman and told me he'd been trained to lie?! WTF! He admitted he had been out with someone behind my back, but that it was "entirely innocent", that "she probably fancied" him and that she seemed to be "a bit of a psycho". I just knew he was lying but he denied it to the hilt "I love you, I'd NEVER cheat on you, swear on my life" blah blah.

Eventually I called her up, told her I had no problem with her at all, I just wanted to know the truth, she denied it at first but then admitted it and I thanked her. He still denied it when I told him I'd called her. Eventually, and I mean eventually he admitted kissing her.....then admitted foreplay.....and then lastly, after me virtually forcing it out of him, he admitted the shagging. He called her up in front of me and was saying things like "you know we worked together on nightshift, but NOTHING happened out in the Police car, did it?". I took that to mean they were at it during work and he was covering his arse by emphasising it. Loser.

Thank God I found out both times otherwise I could still be with either one of the eejits and being taken for a mug. Both times if I had never snooped, I would never have found out.

Original poster
printererror · 03/08/2009 09:14

Yep, you are all right. I should have been more explicit in my questioning and asked him outright about the emails, but truthfully I am so scared of the answer. I want to believe that it was just banter, but unless I ask him directly about the message then I am never going to know. He acted so hurt last night when I questioned him that I felt really bad. I am going to try to log into his FB account again later to print off the email to ask him outright, but if he has changed his password/ deleted the emails, then I'll know he is guilty.
I know I probably come across as some sort of pathetic and weak woman, which I am really not. I think I am just so scared at the prospect of having to consider that this man who I have loved since I was 17 is not who I thought he was. I believed that we would be together forever, but now I am having to consider the possibility that it won't happen. I know he loves me, and I love him completely, but can't see that things will ever be the same again now,

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2009 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

posieparkerinChina · 03/08/2009 09:25

Fucking hell, tell him you read it, get a STD screening and get honest with your wanker DH.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2009 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ilovemydogandmrobama · 03/08/2009 09:26

It's so difficult to get into the conversation, 'have you ever booked a prostitute?'

For me, it would be a total deal breaker if my DP booked a woman for sex, even if he didn't have sex with her as he knows my feelings about the sex trade.

Think you may need to be honest with him -- that you were looking in his Facebook account and saw the email.

This isn't an issue about privacy anymore.

TwoHot · 03/08/2009 09:27

so sorry for you.

I havent read the other undoubtable good advice but wanted to add what I would do.

First I would print the evicence, two copies, one for the solicitor and one to show him. Keep them seperate.

Then I would tell him with complete conficence that I 'know' and present him with the evicence. Ask him to leave and tell him when your solicitors appointment is.

Its up to him then to prove its not true, and it by passes the 'of course darling I would never, your very silly' type conversations. If he is innocent it sends the right message about what would happen if he wasnt, if guilty he isnt making a mug of you any more.

That is what I would do.

Bit late now for you but if you can get the evicence you can take a confident approach when you next talk to him. Good luck.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 09:29

He is NOT going to admit the truth unless forced. And even then he will confirm as little as he can get away with.

I wrote this recently on another thread and think it applies here too!

"I didn't do ANYTHING"

"well, ok, since you've got the phone bill, I admit I spoke to her, but nothing else, I swear on the kids lives"

"Ah, you've found the hotel bill, well, ok, we shared a room that one night the bill is for - but I swear on the kids lives we didn't sleep together"

"oh, you've found the empty condom wrapper. Well, ok, we slept together once, - how many wrappers did you find? yes, just the once and I didn't enjoy it, in fact she MADE me do it, I was thinking of you the whole time"

"oh, you hired someone to follow me and you've got pictures, well, she trapped me into it, I have been going crazy with the guilt, it never would have happened if you'd had sex more/looked better/lost weight/paid more attention to me"

etc
etc
etc

melmog · 03/08/2009 09:38

Printererror,

This is why you need to know the truth. You can't go on from here with these doubts in your head. Each time your dh has a night away from home, each time his phone goes off with a message tone, each time he's checking his emails or facebook, you'll wonder.

I really hope that there is an innocent explanation for all this, but it does sound dodgy.

You don't come across as pathetic or weak. You're in shock.
You need to get to the truth.

Just be straight and honest with him. Tell him exactly what you've seen and ask him for an explanation. Don't play games and don't apologise for snooping.

KiwiKat · 03/08/2009 09:44

Printer, I know that fear, and it can be debilitating. However, whether this is true or not, it's then up to you both where you go from here. Don't let anyone - on this board or in RL - tell you what your next step should be. This could be something that you can work through as a couple and may even make you stronger. Or not. But the choice is yours.

maggievirgo · 03/08/2009 10:13

Hecate, that is it in a nutshell. they all react like that! show me a man who risks his cosy set-up at home imploding by allowing his to be in possession of the truth and make HER own informed decision about whether to carry on with relationship or not.

No cheating man ever seems to be prepared to hand over this power or decision to the woman he's cheated on.

They want to cheat on you, get angry with you when they're caught and convince you you're mad.

Same old, same old, same old.

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 10:17

Hmm i'd say you are being unreasonable not to be honest about reading his message. If trust is your argument you can't lie and say you hear it through a friend. You need to be honest to expect honesty back. If you want to find out the bottom of this then expect a massive rollicking for being so nosy and invading his privacy, but also expect to hear he either didn't or did do what he says in his email.

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 10:19

PS - sorry i responded to your first post and didnt read all 5 pages in case my response wasn't appropriate.

HolyGuacamole · 03/08/2009 10:23

printererror - you don't sound weak or pathetic at all, no way. You said it yourself, you are scared and that is perfectly normal. You want this thing to be untrue, you didn't want it in your life to deal with, it is making you question everything, plus you are shocked. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be scared by all of that. And, true or not (whether he has cheated), you will get through it, that is one thing you can be sure of.

Only you know what is best for you and I hope that you get some sort of resolution whatever you do.

You know that no matter what, there is heaps of support on here for you.

maggievirgo · 03/08/2009 10:23

On that point though Stigaloid, the OP didn't even become aware of his facebook messages for 18 months, so she could hardly be accused of being paranoid and suspicious and invading his privacy and having no respect for his privacy.... etc etc, though NO doubt he will say all of that when she tells him HOW it is she knows!!!

The facts are that she was trusting enough that for 18 months she didn't look at his old messages.

I think to ruin the trust witth somebody who does still deserve your trust is an awfully sad thing, and it would hurt terribly... but at the end of the day, ruining the trust with a man who's cheated on you isn't the same. It's not a tragedy.. it's merely the facade falling away.

Original poster
printererror · 03/08/2009 11:30

Right, I've downloaded the message and emailed it to him asking for an explanation. It probably sounds like a lame way to do it, but I can't sit here all day without knowing the truth. He's not great at confrontation, and we've tried that, so hopefully this will make him think very hard. He may still lie of course, but that is a risk I have to take. If this relationship is going to have any future I am going to have to take his next explanation as truth. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/08/2009 11:43

It will be easier for him to come up with a plausible story via email though.

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/08/2009 11:44

"If this relationship is going to have any future I am going to have to take his next explanation as truth. Fingers crossed." - I'd say, if the relationship is to survive, you need to think very carefully if he is telling the truth, rather than just automatically accepting what he says is truth.

Rindercella · 03/08/2009 12:08

Good luck with this printererror, I really hope your DH is honest with you and that you work this out.

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