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Original poster

To confront DH over unfaithfulness?

162 replies

printererror · 02/08/2009 16:47

Ok, I'm an idiot and am regretting my actions hugely.
I have been married to DH for 6 years, love him to death and am pretty sure that he feels the same and we have two great kids. Today I stupidly decided to log in to his facebook account and see who he's been chatting too. It's not a trust issue, I was genuinely just being nosy. Anyway, I found an old email between him and a mate when they were both in the US on business arranging to meet up etc. In the email there is banter about a prostitute that DH booked.
I feel sick, humiliated and violated and am going to have to confront him about it as I cannot get it out of my head.
Funnily enough we had a drunken conversation last night about being unfaithful, him swearing blind that he has never cheated on me.
I know I am totally unreasonable for checking his FB messages, and I genuinely regret doing it now, so I know I can't tell him that I have done this. I can make up a story about hints being dropped that he might have been unfaithful by mutual friends etc. But do you think I'm being unreasonable in confronting him over it, or do you think I should just let it go.
By the way, I hate this friend of his and know that he is constantly unfaithful to his wife and DH knows I hate them hanging around together as I feel he's a bad influence.
It could be that this was just a case of boys banter and that he didn't really sleep with her, but I need to know either way.
So go on...give it to me...

OP posts:
GoldenSnitch · 02/08/2009 18:42

Of course you should have checked!! There should be nothing to hide.

DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 18:51

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ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2009 18:54

are you going to say anything? What are you going to say?

He'll just fob you off though, won't he, even if he has done something? So you still won't know

Original poster
printererror · 02/08/2009 18:58

I'm going to lull him into a false sense of security and say: "You know how I asked you if you've ever been unfaithful to me last night? Well I have a confession to make, I've checked you're FB account, so did you sleep with a Prostitute and have you slept with x..."
Will let you know the outcome later
He might fob me off, but we'll see

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 19:05

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Original poster
printererror · 02/08/2009 19:10

I just thought that might make him think that I was about to confess to being unfaithful, so take him off guard a bit, but maybe you're right

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 19:17

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 02/08/2009 19:26

DandyLioness is right.

YOU have done nothing wrong, and while he might not have either, you need to know for sure.

fluffles · 02/08/2009 19:29

you say you don't want to split up over this but i don't see how there can be any other outcome if you do confront him.

he'll get defensive, you'll get accusatory and there's really no way out, both of you are HIGHLY likely to say things there is no coming back from.

i'm not saying that his behaviour was in any way ok but i think you need to think very very carefully before you say anything and be realistic that by bringing this up you might well be finishing your relationship.

fluffles · 02/08/2009 19:31

i'm not saying don't confront him but you DO need to know before you do what you want to come out of it and what would be a deal breaker and what wouldn't.

and you need to tell him that... because he can't change whatever has happened in the past so you need to know what you'll do if he admits it did happen.

good luck.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 02/08/2009 19:32

That really sounds like you are saying it will be her fault if her relationship ends, fluffles.

motherbeyond · 02/08/2009 19:36

i say so what if you looked at his fb!women are nosy,well i am anyway...if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't mind,surely.my personal life is an open book to my dh,and vice versa.

if i thought for one second he's been up to something i would confront him for sure.

do it.

DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 19:39

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fluffles · 02/08/2009 19:43

I'm not saying that FabBakerGirl, but i AM saying the OP seems about to go into this coversation without realising that NOTHING will ever be the same again.

if it were me i'd make sure i'd gone through all the possible outcomes before hand... what happens if he admits it? does he get thrown out immediately? does the OP leave? what about kids? is counselling worth a shot? can this be got over or not????

Original poster
printererror · 02/08/2009 19:48

I have thought about that Fluffles. The prostitute is not a deal breaker, the friend is. My life has already changed forever, just having read those two emails unfortunately. But I can't speculate any more without knowing the truth. One day at a time and all that...

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 19:48

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Hassled · 02/08/2009 19:58

I don't understand why the OP is so bothered about the fact she looked through his FB. If we're keeping score of crimes committed, FB snooping would be a 1/10, sleeping with a prostitute a 10/10. The DH is hardly in a position to be taking the moral highground.

dollius · 02/08/2009 20:03

The prostitute is not a deal-breaker, but the friend would be?

It would be the other way around for me. Men who think it's a bit of a laugh to shag prostitutes are vile. What is so hilarious about buying a woman't body for sex like a commodity?

There is nothing wrong about looking at your DH's facebook account. My DH wouldn't bat an eyelid if I looked at his email.

Just tell him you saw this message and can he explain it please.

CloudDragon · 02/08/2009 20:11

I agree dollius. i would never stay with a man that had ever been to a prositute. let alone whilst we were together.

In fact if DH had posted that message even if he hadn't slept with her I would be sickened at his attitude about women.

MotherPi · 02/08/2009 20:23

There is something wrong with reading another person's emails without their permission. We all have a right to privacy.

However, agree with everyone else that it in no way compares to dh's behaviour. I can understand your choice of dealbreaker, but only if he was safe with both. A man who would risk the health of his wife (and potential baby) is not a man worth keeping.

waitingforgodot · 02/08/2009 20:26

printererror.
I think this is going to eat away at you if you don't address it however agree with danylioness about not mentioning where you got your info from. Good luck.

Morloth · 02/08/2009 20:37

We nosy around each other's emails all the time.

barnsleybelle · 02/08/2009 20:54

How awful print.
Firstly yanbu for checking...chill out over this.. and do not let dh turn this around into an issue over you looking at his fb.
secondly, you do not have to justify to anyone what you can and cannot tolerate in your marriage. i have to say, for me no matter who it was dh slept with, prostitute or not that would be a deal breaker for me. I know i would never trust him again and would throw it in his face forever more. That's just me though and many marriages seem to survive unfaithfullness.
However, you do need to know the facts.
I also get the feeling that as you said you were worried by fessing to checking his account would make him make it more secure for future checks, kind of makes me think you don't really anticipate trusting him in the future?

saggyhairyarse · 02/08/2009 22:09

Well you definitely need to know now that there is a question over his fidelity, you need to know because if he was unfaithful then you may possibly want to get yourself checked get out at a GUM clinic. Not only for yourself but for the child you conceived after his alleged infidelity.

I hope it was just male bravado though.

DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 22:11

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