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Original poster

To confront DH over unfaithfulness?

162 replies

printererror · 02/08/2009 16:47

Ok, I'm an idiot and am regretting my actions hugely.
I have been married to DH for 6 years, love him to death and am pretty sure that he feels the same and we have two great kids. Today I stupidly decided to log in to his facebook account and see who he's been chatting too. It's not a trust issue, I was genuinely just being nosy. Anyway, I found an old email between him and a mate when they were both in the US on business arranging to meet up etc. In the email there is banter about a prostitute that DH booked.
I feel sick, humiliated and violated and am going to have to confront him about it as I cannot get it out of my head.
Funnily enough we had a drunken conversation last night about being unfaithful, him swearing blind that he has never cheated on me.
I know I am totally unreasonable for checking his FB messages, and I genuinely regret doing it now, so I know I can't tell him that I have done this. I can make up a story about hints being dropped that he might have been unfaithful by mutual friends etc. But do you think I'm being unreasonable in confronting him over it, or do you think I should just let it go.
By the way, I hate this friend of his and know that he is constantly unfaithful to his wife and DH knows I hate them hanging around together as I feel he's a bad influence.
It could be that this was just a case of boys banter and that he didn't really sleep with her, but I need to know either way.
So go on...give it to me...

OP posts:
saggyhairyarse · 02/08/2009 22:14

DL, as would I but it is the lesser of the two evils imo (dicking about to 'not lose face' v shagging a prostitute...).

expatinscotland · 02/08/2009 22:16

Lesson here: when you screw around, you might get caught in the stupidest of ways.

Friend or prostitute, either one would be a dealbreaker for me.

DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 22:19

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Original poster
printererror · 02/08/2009 22:19

Well, I got an outright denial. He has never been unfaithful to me and I guess I have to believe him. I am pretty good at reading him and he swore on the chuldren's lives. I didn't refer to the email, just asked him if he might have ever made a joke about hiring a prostitute to which he said, it's possible but he didn't think so.
So not really a satisfactory outcome, but I'm not really sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 22:23

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Dior · 02/08/2009 22:23

Sorry, but I don't believe him. Show him the comment you saw and look at his face.

expatinscotland · 02/08/2009 22:26

Why on Earth would you joke about cheating or hiring a prostitute if you've never been unfaithful?

Nancy66 · 02/08/2009 22:30

It IS possible that the email was just macho banter, it IS possible that the one to the woman was just flirty banter.

I have a male friend, mate from uni, known him about 20 years who emails me absolute filth on a regular basis. Anybody that read the emails would be convinced we were at it hammer and tong - we're not. It's banter.

dittany · 02/08/2009 22:34

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SecretNinjaChipmunk · 02/08/2009 22:34

i feel i have to ask since no-one else has - what if he hasn't done anything wrong except some very dodgily worded emails? surely by invading his privacy OP has massivley breached his trust of her? whilst i have no emails that i'd hide from dp i'd be pretty pissed off if he logged into my accounts to check on me.
OP I hope you get the answers you want and i hope that if you come through it you can learn to trust each other more and be open and honest with each other.

DandyLioness · 02/08/2009 22:35

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saggyhairyarse · 02/08/2009 22:37

Personally I think you should tell him that you did access his FB account and saw the messages froma year ago between himself and his friend about hiring a prostitute and were wondering what his explanation is for this?

If he goes mentalist about you looking at his FB then he would more than likely be deflecting the issue to your breach of privacy - but that is not the primary issue!

Then tell him you read the messages between him and his female friend and see his reaction to that.

I wouldn't leave it as it stands at the moment, but I would be like a dog with a bone and I would also consider ringing the friend(s). I would have no shame when it came to my marriage and mine and my childrens health though.

SecretNinjaChipmunk · 02/08/2009 22:39

ignore me! took too long to write post and so much has happened!

barnsleybelle · 02/08/2009 22:40

The way you asked the question seems its entirely obvious he would say no.

I think that deep down you are unsure but want to believe it's all innocent hence the veiled approach to your dh.

It doesn't sound innocent to me that's for sure, particularly the email to his friend. If you want answers you have to come right out with the info you have, otherwise you just have to move on.

Nancy66 · 02/08/2009 22:44

I would wager a bet that men who go with hookers probably don't consider they are being unfaithful.

barnsleybelle · 02/08/2009 22:46

I think your probably right there Nancy... and i also think that the type of married men that sleep with prostitutes are never likely to admit it either.

dittany · 02/08/2009 22:47

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lisylisylou · 02/08/2009 22:55

Hi printererror,

I had this exact situation where I found out that my dh had said in a text message to his friend that he'd been flirting with other women on fbook from when he'd been at school with them. Then he said he was meeting them at a school reunion and maybe something might happen then. I found out 2-3 weeks before the reunion so I had time to prepare.

Luckily we had a couple of nights out booked up b4 the reunion. So I got to the hairdressers, made myself look bloody gorgeous with a little black dress. I've made an effort to look great and started to look at how I should treating myself. I'm doing a course in September and starting to make him bloody well chase me.

I've since thought it's been the best thing that's happened. I have to trust him as he's the dc's dad and I don't want to wreck my marriage. However, I had the same conversation as you did trying not to show I'd seen about f-book

Men just brag to each other. What does it tell you when a species keeps their brain upside down in between their legs? If he had something to hide he wouldn't put it on f-book where everyone he's accepted can see his messages.

As for the school reunion my dh got in at 1.30am and couldn't even stand up. He was crashing around banging into doors.

BabyBump2B · 02/08/2009 23:02

I have a lot of guy friends who joke around with each other and the banter sounds very similar. One even refers to his x-box as his "little piece on the side" and its a huge joke for them all. I think you have to be really careful.

I also think that you opened pandora's box by reading his facebook account. Do you believe him? Can you? I think you'll just end up getting more and more suspicious of any of his behaviour and it will take a serious toll on your relationship.

Whilst most people feel you'll be justified in checking his account if he did cheat, what if he didn't? I would be absolutely livid if DH snuck around or overheard or misunderstood something and then accused me of being unfaithful.

barnsleybelle · 02/08/2009 23:04

"I have to trust him as he's the dc's dad"

I actually don't agree with this comment lisy. You trust someone until they act in a way to cause mistrust. I don't trust my dh because he's our childrens father, i have trusted him since the day we met as so far i have never had a reason not to.

" If he had something to hide he wouldn't put it on f-book where everyone he's accepted can see his messages "

Not sure if you know but messages are private on facebook unless they are on your wall. You need the password to see them.

Rindercella · 02/08/2009 23:14

Agree with Barnsleybelle - you trust your DH because of his actions, not because he is the DC's father.

printer I really feel for you. You must have felt sick to your stomach when you read those messages. I actually do not know how you can move forward without letting your DH know what you have seen - I can imagine this snippet of information you have eating away at you. However, I do not for a moment think that your DH would ever admit to using a prostitute, so I am not sure whether or not you will ever get the full facts from him.

Good luck and I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

maggievirgo · 02/08/2009 23:16

I agree barnsleybelle, I couldn't make myself be nice/grateful to have a husband who was planning to flirt in a few weeks time!!!!! I'd be so angry! Taht's not a marriage to value! It's a wakeup call. Him being kids' fahter wouldn't save him!

Silver1 · 02/08/2009 23:26

If your gut says trust him-and I do mean your gut then YANBU trust him. Don't listen to the Mners.
If in doubt have it out.
So you read his emails-not ideal, right up there with reading a diary but if he has cheated at least you are the one being open and honest and you are a few feet higher on the high ground.

Reading your thread my instinct is he hasn't. Lots of people on here seem to think he has. I reckon he was either full of BS or he was being derogatory about a client/supplier. When I was at Uni I had a dreadful housemate he used to refer to just about all women as hoes-except me (we cleared that one up in week 2 of the house share!) Blokes say things they don't mean especially when they are with other blokes and they don't want to seem soft.

MissSunny · 02/08/2009 23:30

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RumourOfAHurricane · 02/08/2009 23:31

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