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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want other peoples young children to hold my newborn

76 replies

KatyS36 · 28/07/2009 19:22

A number of our friends and family now have children in the 3 to 8 age range.

I remember visiting them when they had their first baby. If I was offered a chance to hold or cuddle the baby that was lovely, but I never assumed it and always understood and respected if they didn't make this offer.

Several of these people, have now commented along the lines of 'their child loves babies' or 'their child has had lots of practise holding their siblings. I had one child at the weekend say 'next time I see you you'll have a baby for me to play with' and noone said anything.

AIBU not to want other peoples children to hold my newborn? I don't want to be treated as if I'm being paranoid or unreasonable, but at the same time considering what they were like with their first children it doesn't seem like an unreasonable view.

Thoughts please!

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 28/07/2009 19:23

What do you mean what were they like with their first children? Do you mean if they didn't offer you a hold you don't want their child to hold your baby?

MovingOutOfBlighty · 28/07/2009 19:25

Personally, I thought it was cute when dcs wanted to do this.

But...kids being kids I always made sure they were propped up on the sofa, with the baby lying on them with the kids arm resting on a cushion and me hovering nearby in case of spills!

I think it is really special for them to ugh, bond with the baby.

ilovetochat · 28/07/2009 19:25

its nice that the children want to play with your baby. it is understandable you are feeling nervous about this and of course its your choice.
when my dd was small i let all adults hold her if it was convenient, ie not feed time. my niece was 7 at the time and i sat her on the settee and placed dd in her arms and we told her to sit still and hold her head and she did hold her lovley and we have lovely photos of them together. i would not have let her stand up and hold dd incase she dropped her. younger children like 3-4 year olds i just encouraged them to sit next to dd on her playmat or carseat and stroke her hand or talk to her, they loved it and dd wasnt desturbed at all.

fruitstick · 28/07/2009 19:26

I always forget to offer. It's not that I don't want them to, it just never occurs to me to hand the baby over

lilackaty · 28/07/2009 19:28

My ds is 5 and loves holding babies - I always ask if it is ok and say it is fine if they don't want them too.
I would always ask to hold a baby - it wouldn't occur to me to wait to be offered; is that very rude of me?
Do you mean that they were precious about their firstborns (in not offering you a hold) then you don't want their children to hold your newborn?

charitygirl · 28/07/2009 19:30

Why wouldn't you want children to hold your baby? How odd.

lynneevans51 · 28/07/2009 19:31

In answer to OP, yes, I think it is unreasonable for the reasons of other posters above. It is perfectly natural for other children to want to hold and cooch over a newborn. Provided they are supervised, shown how to hold properly, I see no problem with this at all. It could actually come across as mean towards your friends children ... JMO

Original poster

KatyS36 · 28/07/2009 19:34

Hi all,

Its not in any way a 'tit for tat'.

It's just that they seem to have forgotten how protective they felt, and now expect my baby to be readily handed over to their child, almost as if it is their childs 'right'.

ilove to chat, that sounds lovely, and I would be fine with that, its just starting to feel that some poeple see my newborn as a toy to amused their DD / DS.

OP posts:

MovingOutOfBlighty · 28/07/2009 19:36

Personally, I never had an incident with a child being too rough with a newborn. They are strangely reverential towards them, providing you keep it short and sweet.

There is protective and overprotective.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 28/07/2009 19:38

don't be ridiculous

no one will see your baby as a toy

GoldenSnitch · 28/07/2009 19:39

I remember being slightly nervous when friends came round and were allowing thier 5 year old to hold my PFB.

But, looking back now, the child was propped up in the corner of the sofa and her Mum was sat next to her watching very closely to make sure DS's head was supported and he was safe.

In retrospect it was no big deal and I'm glad I didn't do the overprotective new Mum bit (as I'd be embarrassed now) but at the time I did feel a bit uncomfortable so I can see where you are coming from.

I know you're just feeling protective of your baby but you'll soon learn that they are tougher than you think...

SarfEast · 28/07/2009 19:40

If you're not keen, just hint darkly about projectile vomiting and exploding nappies. The stay newborns for weeks yet, so wait until you feel ready. It is up to you of course, maybe just let the children stroke your LO's hands. I am a bit in awe of newborns and was a bit worried when my SIL offered hers to me for a hold . My 2 year old got to stroke her little cousins hands and feet which she was thrilled with.

Morloth · 28/07/2009 19:40

Katy is this your first baby?

We had to repeat to ourselves over and over again "Boy is NOT a toy". Kids holding babies is lovely, just make sure they wash their hands and sit down on a soft surface to do so.

No-one is planing to let them toss the baby around in a game of rugby. They are just excited about the new person.

prettyfly1 · 28/07/2009 19:42

are you a first time mum by any chance. The little one who said about playing sounds quite sweet actually and I think your being a wee bit precious about it - particularly expecting the children to be told no before its even happened. You would be surprised at how gentle older children can be with babies. Yes, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you are unhappy with it dont see your friends.

thatsnotmymonster · 28/07/2009 19:43

I think YABVU but then I hate when people are all precious over their babies. New babies are so sweet and tiny that everyone loves to hold and cuddle them and it is such a lovely thing for children to be able to do.

What on earth could happen? It's not like you're going to give your baby to a 4yo and go out!

You will be there, as will their parents, to help them and supervise. Newborn babies are very robust really (they have to be in case they have siblings).

Nobody sees your baby as a toy- when the child said that they could play with your baby I'm sure he/she meant as a friend not as a toy, because that's how children see other children, it doesn't matter to them that the baby is tiny and can't 'play'.

nellie12 · 28/07/2009 19:43

I'm going to go against the grain. No I would not let young children hold my baby and I have 3. I let ds 5yo hold lo when he was about 5mo and could sit up and well supervised. But I am ds mother and know him. Nephews of that age haven't asked and friends children similar age wouldn't think of asking to hold ds3 because their mother wouldn't let them. They are all happy waving toys and rattles at him and making silly faces. yanbu at all.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 28/07/2009 19:48

I'm sure they don't feel it's their child's 'right'. They probably just think it's a lovely thing for their child to do, which it is for some children. No parent would see someone else's newborn as a toy.

As long as the children are supervised and shown how to treat the baby gently it shouldn't be a problem.

I think you are being a little bit overprotective, but that is normal too

hercules1 · 28/07/2009 19:50

I didnt like anyone holding either of mine in teh early stages except dh. It is very unreasonable but natural.

I told mil that she wore too much perfume to be able to hold dd. She did too, she stunk and so did dd after she held her. Gawd, I was unreasonable but hating dd smelling of her when she was so tiny.

fizzpops · 28/07/2009 19:54

I can totally see why the OP would be concerned.

It is a perfectly normal reaction - she is in Mummy mode and it despite all the muttering about pfb that usually accompanies these threads from my point of view it is much better and easier to start off over protective and gradually wind down from there as you gain confidence.

What someone thinks in advance and what they do faced with a little person desperate to hold the baby is probably a different matter but imo she is perfectly right and sensible to be considering what her reaction may be beforehand.

Thunderduck · 28/07/2009 19:54

I think YABU. So long as they hold them while sitting down and while supervised I don't see a problem with it.

I can understand the protective feelings but it won't do any harm.

I've no children yet, but I love it when people admire my very cute small dog, so I suspect I'll be ten times worse with a baby and will be thrusting him into people's arms so that they can fully appreciate his/her cuteness.

tattycoram · 28/07/2009 19:54

I wouldn't expect my 2 1/2 year old to hold a newborn, but I do think the child who said you would have a baby to play with was being sweet. They are just excited and don't understand that tiny babies can't play.

ilovetochat · 28/07/2009 20:21

katy, my dd is 2 now and when a friend was pregnant recently i told dd she would have a new friend soon and when dd met the baby she stroked her hands and feet (i never let her near the head just in case) and said you want to play?
i told her it was her friend as i didnt want her to be jealous when the baby comes round and i wanted to include her so she liked the baby and would sit nicely etc. maybe your friends have just been telling their dcs about the new baby coming to prepare them iykwim.

Karam · 28/07/2009 20:28

Another vote for YABU I'm afraid.

Let's face it, they don't actually hold the baby do they? The child sits in the corner of a sofa, completely wedged in by cushions and pillows so that the child is completely unable to move, and then the baby is placed on top of the pile of pillows and cushions in such a way that there is no possibility of the baby falling off. If the child is lucky, he/she may have one arm free to stroke the baby's hand!

Also it is worth remembering that if you are to pfb with your child, then you might have to do an embarrassing about turn in three years time when your precious child is wanting to hold the new baby and you're rolling your eyes at the mother of the newborn thinking, but of course my child wouldn't harm the baby .

That said, I am precious about not letting children touch the heads of newborns... I always told children when my babies were little and now I tell my children that babies like to have their feet stroked, so they never go anywhere near the head end.

Just be glad that they are interested in your little one, they won't do it any harm!

janeite · 28/07/2009 20:31

Agree with Karam.

You really are being unreasonable, you know!

Mybox · 28/07/2009 20:32

yanbu - I wouldn't want other small kids to be holding a newborn. My own kids only held their new sibling when I was there to be sure they held the head properly and stayed sitting down.

imho most children don't want to hold a baby for long as it isn't like holding a doll. Also the having a baby to play with isn't what other kids want to do for more than 5mins.

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