Not to want other peoples young children to hold my newborn

[KatyS36]

A number of our friends and family now have children in the 3 to 8 age range.

I remember visiting them when they had their first baby. If I was offered a chance to hold or cuddle the baby that was lovely, but I never assumed it and always understood and respected if they didn't make this offer.

Several of these people, have now commented along the lines of 'their child loves babies' or 'their child has had lots of practise holding their siblings. I had one child at the weekend say 'next time I see you you'll have a baby for me to play with' and noone said anything.

AIBU not to want other peoples children to hold my newborn? I don't want to be treated as if I'm being paranoid or unreasonable, but at the same time considering what they were like with their first children it doesn't seem like an unreasonable view.

Thoughts please!

scrummy, your DD sounds adorable. My DS (3) was incredibly gentle with DS2 for the first few months but now (5 months) he likes to try out various wrestling moves

How it goes is:

Older child wants to hold baby
Older child positioned on sofa with arms in right place/cushions around
Baby put on child carefully, with head supported by child/cushion combo
Child sits stock still for some time
Child moves slightly/baby wriggles and baby mum/child mum chime immediately "wasn't that lovely let's give baby back to mummy"
Child remians petrified and motionless while baby is removed

Easy. I have never ever seen a child even so much as breath heavily while handling a baby. And in fact they don't handle them so much as just act as a prop for a minute or two.

So it will be fine. But, if you don't want to, then don't. No point in doing something you really don't want to. You may be surprised though, I was always extremely grateful to hand my baby to someone else, even when she was very new

We were totally PFB with dd1 - all we wanted to do was cuddle her and no one else got a look in. I asked not to be visited for the first few days. Was probably "unreasonable" in that it was totally unnecessary, but we had a lovely bonding time together.

When dd2 came, of course dd1 wanted a cuddle and that was fine too - closely supervised. Friends children who were nice and also used to babies were also allowed. But if I had had a child around who was hyperactive and breaking things I as sure as hell wouldn't be handing my baby over and you are absolutely NBU to not do that! Completely different scenario which is perhaps why there's been a bit of a dichotomy on this thread.

If you don't want to hand your baby over to someone (adult or child) then don't . I always found that breastfeeding them for the duration of a visit was a surefire way I didn't have to hand them over if I didn't want to .

Sorry to hear you're having a rough pregnancy.

New mums are protective of their babies and it is understandable and normal. Last week a mum of a very young baby got twitchy when dd was moving towards her pram in an interested fashion. I saw her face and immediately scooped my toddler up and stood back at quite a distance saying something nice about the baby and then giving my dd a reason that she shouldn't go near or touch. Dd has previously sat with a newborn on her lap under close supervision, but it was clear to me that this mum wanted a zone around her baby with no small children in it. That's absolutely fine by me, it's her baby and I wanted her to feel comfy . To first time mums toddlers can seem like snot-filled germ-ridden poking monsters. To a certain degree they are. As a 3rd time mum-to-be, I'm prob more relaxed, as my 2 will have their germs and fingers all over this baby anyway, but I still might not want any old child cuddling it when it's tiny. Especially with all the swine flu etc worries.

I'm feeling a lot happier about this now, and feeling a lot clearer about how I feel.

The 'nice' angle hadn't occured to me. That probably sounds awful, but I had got myself so worked up that that this all felt like a final straw and I didn't think about children actually liking my baby.

It's also reasurring that most of you who thought I was being unreasonable also outlined your expectations of a child holding the baby e.g. cushions, close supervision, clean hands, no touching face. I was having visions of 4 year olds expecting to be allowed to carry the baby around, which noone seems to be condoning.

I also feel that I've been given coping strategies, including 'not today, he/she's too small' and also the stroking of hands and feet. I think I would be fine about another child stroking the hands, and this could be offered as an alternative when saying no to holding as in 'he/she is a bit too little to hold, but you could come and sit here and stroke the babies hands'.

After thinking about this I can see that in probably all cases the parents are thinking about this from the nice angle, and they are not actively trying to cause upset and panic!

In some cases I am going to be unhappy and say no. Friends IMO need to accept this. If they can't the relationship needs to be reconsidered.

Fortunalty the family is on my DPs side and he agrees with me so he can deal with them

Thank you

it's your baby - this is not the first series of knots you are going to tie yourself in! There is always someone who is even more panicky in any given situation, ime, so you get to feel like the cool let-it-all-hang-out person on occasion as well. For instance - I never stalked my children's nursery trips, but I know a couple who have . Most other parents are fairly forgiving of pfbness, imem because we've all been there in one situation or other.

Sleep well!

And also, maybe a lot of this is that I'm curently terrified about holding the baby, so the thought (at the moment) of other peoples children holding it seems terrifying beyond belief, if that makes sense!

I probably hadn't figured that out until now!

thanks stickylittlefingers

it'll be wonderful - a feeling like no other.

The nice midwife I had told me that at birth, the difference between experienced Mums and first timers is very marked. By the six week check up, they couldn't tell the difference. You get expert so quickly!

Yanbu imo - you can't help how you feel and I don't think it's just a PFB thing. (And also I think 'PFB' is a horrible patronising term)

Toddlers and young children can look unpredictable and without meaning to be, quite physical. When you've just had a baby and you're feeling vulnerable and protective, it's quite understandable to feel like you do. I felt just the same.

I was also paranoid about visitors holding my babies and drinking flipping cups of tea at the same time. Ooh that used to make me furious!

Ah, it's understandable to be anxious about holding your baby yourself. By the time you have vistors bringing children (a couple of weeks in ) you will be totally proficient . They don't break easily. Supporting their heads is important, but mostly so they don't suddenly slump/jerk.

You'll be great.

Katy wait until you have banged baby's head on doorjambs, they have rolled off the bed and DH has stepped on them.

Then you will have some idea just how tough the little buggers actually are.

Try to relax, everything will be fine!

I think its a shame, lots of lo don't get to hold babies, its a good thing for them to hold something that needs love and needs them to be gentle, it shows them how important we all are.

when my dd was born I took her into my ds class, and they all lined up and had a hold, 30 kids waiting excited to hold a baby. Not one of them dropped her, or were rough, they all knew it was important and they all smiled from ear to ear, it was a wonderful thing to see a room of 8 year olds silenced and calmed by a 3 week old baby, a joy.

DandyLioness, and everyone else

Thanks.

12 weeks to go!

Hi Katy, completely understand about being nervous about holding your newborn when he / she arrives.

When DS1 was born we were in the delivery room, me and DH with baby in the hospital baby bed thingy (you know the ones, look like a rectangular fish bowl). The mid-wife had stepped out for a few minutes and baby started crying so DH picked him up and was walking around the room with him like a professional. I was sat on the bed asking 'should you be doing that, are we allowed to pick him up' Ridiculous I know but there you go.

And no, YANBU, your baby your rules. I want to get that on a bumper sticker, it needs saying far more often.

sounds to me like you are overthinking things somewhat.

You don't have to hand your newborn over to all and sundry, but I'm sure you know that.

If you want your very newborn baby to be held only by you and dp that is absolutely fine, everybody will respect that. And half the time you will be feeding your baby anyway, so will be attached to you and unavailable for holding.

I can still picture the reverential expression on my older childrens faces as they each got their first turn at holding the new baby. It was a beautiful site and summed up what is good and pure in this murky world.

Zalen I was told in the hospital that I wasn't allowed to pick my DD up and walk around! Presumably in case I dropped her. So instead I had to walk around with the cot on wheels (I was too knackered to sit down and cuddle her or I would have fallen asleep - much more dangerous imo). I had to lean over the cot at the same time to stroke her and it took her hours to go to sleep. Still makes me annoyed at the stupidity - one of the main reasons I will seriously be considering a home birth next time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I have 2 sons, one of 5.8, the other is almost 11 months and I didn't like anyone elses children holding either of them.

It's your baby and if you don't want other peoples kids holding it, thats your choice.

YANBU.

My DS is three and I would not expect him to be allowed to hold someone else's newborn. He has done, and was very careful and gentle, but only because he asked the mother and she was happy for him to do so - I had actually said, "no, baby's too little" so that my friend wasn't put in the position of saying no if she didn't want him to.

I remember when DS was very small and some vague relative (I think DH's uncles girlfriend?!) at my mother in laws house firstly asked my MIL, not me, if she could hold DS, and then handed him over to her hyper 2 year old, which really annoyed me.

Older siblings holding their new brother or sister is completely different, IMO.

Give it 2 or three months and you'll be desperate for any passing 3 year old to hold your baby

It is tricky having visitors when you have your first newborn and are getting to grips with things yourself.

Kids holding babies is a lovely thing to see, but as others have said close supervision is a must.

I feel broody now!!

My own daughter dropped her newborn sister, I never ever let anyone other than the father hold a newborn of mine now before it's 1st birthday, well I'd prefer not to, 3 months ish I may allow the grandparents.
YANBU