Not to want other peoples young children to hold my newborn

[KatyS36]

A number of our friends and family now have children in the 3 to 8 age range.

I remember visiting them when they had their first baby. If I was offered a chance to hold or cuddle the baby that was lovely, but I never assumed it and always understood and respected if they didn't make this offer.

Several of these people, have now commented along the lines of 'their child loves babies' or 'their child has had lots of practise holding their siblings. I had one child at the weekend say 'next time I see you you'll have a baby for me to play with' and noone said anything.

AIBU not to want other peoples children to hold my newborn? I don't want to be treated as if I'm being paranoid or unreasonable, but at the same time considering what they were like with their first children it doesn't seem like an unreasonable view.

Thoughts please!

If you don't want children holding your baby that's your call. I used to let them with my 2 but was dreading in case they coughed in their face or something

Katy, I think as a first time mum, you do what makes you feel comfortable. Reasonable or not, if you don't feel comfortable with it don't do it.

I wish I had been a bit more assertive with my first and I will be with my second. I always remember DP's auntie disappearing to the other side of a restaurant with DS when he was a couple of weeks old, without even asking, and it made me feel really anxious. Hormones aren't rational and reasonable but I should imagine the protective instinct is there for a very good reason.

Just say that baby cries when anyone else holds her to avoid offending or say it is feed time or whatever. When baby gets older I'm sure you will feel more comfortable about letting them have a little hold

YANBU at all. I wouldn't want children holding my newborn either.

I'm actually quite surprised at how many people think YABU! It's entirely your choice who holds you baby and I don't think you should have to hand him/her over just in case "you come across as mean" to other people's children. You are there as the newborn's mother with a responsibility to protect them, not to please other people's children!

"AIBU not to want other peoples children to hold my newborn? I don't want to be treated as if I'm being paranoid or unreasonable, but at the same time considering what they were like with their first children it doesn't seem like an unreasonable view." honestly I think it's totally up to you and assuming your baby is not yet born I would just say try not to stress about it now. When he/she is born you can limit the people who come to visit and the amount of time they stay. Just use your judgement at the time rather than worrying sbout it now

YANBU. I would have been horrified if little children had held my DS (PFB). DD was born when DS was 2.0 and I let him hold her. I would also have let other kids hold her (closely supervised), but at this stage, none of our friends had children (apart from one couple, but their child was still a baby as well).

I would see how you go - people should understand/remember how they worried about their PFBs. Perhaps offer them to stroke the baby's hand instead if you are really worried.

oh, and as an adult, I would never just think it was OK to hold someone else's newborn. I would only ask someone if they were very close to me and I would give them an "out" saying don't worry if they would prefer to keep hold of the baby themselves.

YANBU What annoyed me was one 'friend' who just scooped up 2 day old DS and handed him to her 2 year old and kept saying to her 5 year old, 'you can hold him next' without even asking me. The 5 year old was pulling his fingers and laughing. I never took my kids to the hospital to see new babies and never would just pick a baby up without being asked or asking. So rude!

Thank you so much those of you have been kind. I've been in tears reading some of this thread.

Rationally or otherwise I don't want to hand my newborn over to a three year old, but thats what it feels seems to be expected of me.

I guess when I didn't have children I always considered the views of a new mother to be the most important, and her happiness and comfort was more important that my wanting to hold a cute baby. I've just been upset by everyone blaseiness towards my baby.

YANBU, I wouldn't like it either.

Don't worry, just go with your instincts. You don't need to validate your reasons for letting people hold or not hold your new baby. I doubt any half-decent friend would think less of you either.

You don't have to hand your newborn over to anyone, least of all a three year old.

However most people (and small children) adore little new babies and treat them with reverence and adoration, admiring their little perfectness and vulnerability.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense would ask the mother if it was OK, then ensure that child doing the holding was completely safe and supported. Let's be honest, young children only want to hold them for nanoseconds before they get bored!

And you won't know it yet but by the time your baby is a few weeks old you'll be itching for people to offer to cuddle it so you can drink a drink whilst it's hot, go for a wee, brush your teeth, change your pants etc etc...

YANBU at all.

I was exactly the same with my first DD, and remember saying no to my DNs aged then 7 and 5 who asked to hold her.

I was terrified that they would drop her or not support her head or that she would get hurt or something.

And I knew at the time that SIL/their mother thought I was being incredibly precious/overprotective/unreasonable, but that was how I felt, and she was my baby and I was not going to let anything harm her.

I think if I had another now, I would be much more relaxed and maybe I would let small children hold a baby, but that's now that I've already had 2 DCs, so I'm now in a different place to where I was then.

So you must do whats right for you. And don't worry what anyone else thinks about whether YABU or not.

Its your baby, its up to you.
Think it is a bit odd though to post on an AIBU for this though as you are bound to get people who dont agree with you. You asked for thoughts, I don'treally see any that are overt critisms.
I don't feel blase towards your baby, I just happen to remember what it was like to have a PFB and I loved the fact that kids wanted to connect to my baby. But that was just the way I felt. I also liked people touching my pg belly and I don't mind if old people touch my LOs in their prams either. All of which can spark off different opinions.

But again, your baby, your call.

YANBU!! This totally annoys me. I have a friend who was all PFB when hers was a NB, including no aftershave/perfume to be worn when visiting and no flowers (due to the pollen) but then came to see my 2 day old NB with her now toddler in tow, complete with snotty cold and laughing and hacking in DS's face etc (as 1 yo's do). She feels her DD is just so adorable that even people with a NB couldn't possibly mind.

It's nice for children to see the baby and greet the baby but there's no need at all to hold the baby, thereby breathing all over it. Small children are great carriers of germs due to their immature immune system.

It doesn't have to be a life-threatening illness to worry about. Just a simple cough/cold is bad for a NB especially at the point of establishing feeding, as they can't swallow and breathe at the same time, with a blocked up nose.

Stand firm and say "Not today darling, s/he's too little. Next time", when they want to hold or if their parents are pushing their DCs to have a hold.

MovingOutOf Blighty

Thanks for your post, and I think you've summed up why I'm feeling so upset. I'm a bit new here and haven't used AIBU before.

I've certainly learnt some things - I genuinely didn't know children were fascinated by newborns for example.

Whilst my baby is fine, physically I've had a tough pregnancy. I've had an awful midwife (now changed), had to put in a formal complaint (which was upheld), my mum has been quite unhelpful and my back has packed up to a level where I can hardly walk.

Ironically I rationally think it is maybe a bit unreasonable, but should have probably posted in a different forum under:

'I'm having a rotten time, feel awful, can't sleep, and on top of all this now feel like I'm going to be an awful person and create a horrible atmosphere for feeling uncomfortable about (possibly imagined) expectations that I should instantly hand my newborn over to every small child upon demand and don't know how to cope'

Live and learn.

hercules1 i am with you all the way! Totally unreasonable of me but i didn't like other people holding either of mine (so not just PFB). I surprised myself with it TBH- people did still hold them obviously, but i would sometimes have to leave the room under false pretences! This was only for the first couple of weeks - i pretend it was "instinct" (in case a sabretooth tiger leapt in unexpectedly!)

Thanks WesternBelle.

You've summed up the about turn that I'm finding quite frustrating! It's like whilst in my case the jurys out on whether its unreasonable or not (and people are entitled to their opinion) its the 'can't you remember how you felt and be a bit more understanding' that I'm finding difficult.

Btw DS held his sister the day she came home (once he'd stopped shouting at us to take her back!) and he was just 2 - absolutely fine, plenty of cushions and he was very gentle. He got bored after a few seconds and told us to take her - then he just wanted to stroke her hand.
Kids are fascinated by babies but as someone else said, reverential (good word!) and very very careful. They just know how delicate they are - once they start moving and look more robust, that's when you have to watch the older kids with them!

Katy I understand that you have your first newborn here - it takes some time to know that they're farily sturdy - and hormones after preg can make a Mum worry more. I had a friend who not only wanted to hold my DD but also to walk around with her and she didn't have any experience of babies, it made me feel uncomfortable even though she was an adult (but a very easily distracted adult!). A month in and things felt v. different.

In the end I got pissed off with everyone wanting to hold ds when he was tiny. I wouldn't have minded a child wanting a hold as much as mil trying to hog him (she still does!) haha. I know they all loved him and wanted a cuddle but it felt like no one had any respect for if he was sleeping and would try and wake him up - it drove me mad and I became less willing to hand him over.

Anyway, yes I think yabu about the children holding the baby. I can see where you are coming from though, just make sure they are sitting down and have an adult right next to them. Oh and clean hands.

DandyLioness:
Put as you've put it with those rules, it would be fine, I can see that would be nice!

It just hasn't come across that those would be expected behaviours, although it might be so obvious to other parents that they assume I would know that.

Having spent the weekend with two hyperactive children who behaved quite badly, including a 9yo child who picked something up and broke it 10 sesonds after being directly a specifically asked not to touch, I've been imagining the worse case scenario.

A few months back my DD (5) was so excited to see the new baby of a friend of mine. She did him a little card to her new friend. She sat patiently waiting for a hold and after about half an hour, asked if she could have a hold. My friend said no. My DD was so upset. I had a DS when DD was just under 4 and has always been so gentle.

Last week, my sister had her first baby and my DD was again so excited. She had the first hold after washing hands and piling her up with cushions. She hardly moved apart from stroking her hand and I sat right next to her.

YABU but it is your baby, your choice.

Katy - sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancy - that is just awful for you as it would be great if being pg could always be wonderful. Back ache is just terrible, especially when the only thing that will 'cure' it to have a watermelon sized thing squeezed out of your fanjo.

Hope your mumn becomes more helpful as time goes on, otherwise looking forward to your 'AIBU - my mum is as much use as the Jonas Brothers at an orgy'.

The other thing is that newborn babies will soon let off a siren wail if they are held in a way that makes them uncomfy. A great toddler deterrant. WesternBelle also puts it in a nice way. Best wishes!