Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

shy people get on my tits

384 replies

brimfull · 28/07/2009 19:03

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

OP posts:
Threadworm2 · 28/07/2009 23:32

I've been struggling not to make an abrasive post because I find myself quite upset and panicked by the some of the attitudes on the thread.

I suppose that is because one of the thoughts going round in your head when you are socialising and feeling shy is the thought 'Oh Christ they hate me because I am shy' -- and lo and behold, I discover on this thread that, yes, they do.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 23:33

gg, I have not been nasty to you but you do have to understand that for some people crippling shyness has blighted their lives for years and years

feelings run high, they would love to "snap out of it", try to make more effort but dig themselves into deeper and deeper excruciating (to them, and that is all that matters tbh) situations

do you at least acknowledge your OP was a bit thoughtless?

Original poster
brimfull · 28/07/2009 23:34

I never said I hated shy people

I have stated that I am v frustrated with shy friend ,especially today as she was moaning.

Is that ok

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/07/2009 23:34

But Peas, no it isn't a start! It just shows how you have no idea.

PhukTifano · 28/07/2009 23:35

Oh, people don't hate shy people Threadie, but you have a lot of insight into your phobic response. Lots of people don't and the fairly vitriolic response to ggirl's somewhat inflammatory but pointed post is perhaps evidence of that.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 23:35

I know tw2, am feeling a bit choked meself

AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 23:36

gg, reread your thread title

SoupDragon · 28/07/2009 23:36

"I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'"

Oh yes, very understanding . You clearly have no idea, ggirl. No idea whatsoever.

GivePeasAChance · 28/07/2009 23:40

Thread - see I don't believe it is a genetic thing and think we all start at the same place but some people have been lucky with parents / teachers / friends who helped us overcome shyness/never be shy. But some people have not been so lucky. However as an adult, it is something you can control. And you control it through your state of mind. It depends where your state of mind is as to the depth of your anxiety..................and yes it probably is harsh to equate that with not trying..............but you see where I am coming from?

I think it probably is simplistic to say that everyone feels it....it does not convey why it is important to know that everyone feels it........ in order to get your state of mind to solve your shyness, it is essential that you realise that everyone has felt this and it is not unusual and it is not unexpected and you too can accept this feeling of inadequacy in social situations and learn to thrive.

leftangle · 28/07/2009 23:43

I come over as quite shy, don't say hello to people in the street or start conversations much. Main reason is I don't recognise people. I just can't. I can have a nice conversation with someone one day and not know them the next. Therefore I always wait for people to speak to me and hope to get clues to work out who they are. Dread to think how I'll come over when dd starts school.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2009 23:44

"However as an adult, it is something you can control"

No
It
Isn't

LyraSilvertongue · 28/07/2009 23:45

Not everyone has felt it though, peas. There are Degrees of shyness. Just because you may have felt awkward once or twice in a social situation, doesn't mean you know what it's like to be so painfully shy that you can hardly leave the house for fear of seeing other people.

GivePeasAChance · 28/07/2009 23:45

Who do you think is in control Soup?

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 28/07/2009 23:47

I've known for some time now that some people would rather avoid shy people (is it just a female trait, do you think? Sisterhood certainly doesn't seem to come into it.)

I suppose it starts with never being in with the 'cool' kids at school, and knowing they're sniggering behind your back.

But now I think I truly would rather be by myself than listening to emptyheaded, self-obsessed drivel - and, by the way, I do smile and say hello to people - even approach them and chat - only to have them subsequently ignore me, I can only assume because they want to be seen with the popular crowd.

When you're shy, you constantly exit your own speech and behaviour, as well as trying to listen to what the other person is saying, decide how you should react, and worry about whether your reactions are appropriate.
For someone extremely shy, social interactions can be exhausting.
And it's disheartening when you do make the effort only to be found wanting.

Threadworm2 · 28/07/2009 23:47

"However as an adult, it is something you can control. And you control it through your state of mind."

-- In most cases more-than-mild shyness is the social manifestation of depression, low self-esteem, etc. Yes, we can gain some control over that, if we work really hard and do the therapy and take the pills. But have you any notion how fucking hard that is?

PhukTifano · 28/07/2009 23:51

I agree with GPAC. Many anxieties have the same structure, with different focus. Understanding the conversations other people have with themselves who do not suffer from the same anxieties can help IME.

And partly, what people do when they're anxious is avoid the things that make them anxious. When supported engagement with the things that make them anxious might (and often does) help.

There is something very narcissistic about anxiety, and it serves and fuels itself when one is not prepared to challenge it. I speak as someone with a lifetime of anxiety and phobic responses. None of this makes it at all easy to change, but it can be worked on if it matters enough.

But yes, perhaps a bit tactless to put it so bluntly.

muggglewump · 28/07/2009 23:51

I'm just glad that it's the internet, I can be as shy as I am and no one wil ever know.
It's not like you can see me in the corner having an opinion and really wanting to join in but being scared to.

You know, I love MN, I really do but sometimes, when I really thought I'd found a site that offered all I wanted, I realise I'm wrong.

The Christmas meet up is in London, I don't live anywhere near but even if I did, I'd never go after this thread.

I'd worry I was annoying people by being shy.

Original poster
brimfull · 28/07/2009 23:51

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper-you said in your post you find it disheartening to be found wanting

it is also disheartening on the other side when you make an effort to be friendly and it is ignored

OP posts:
Threadworm2 · 28/07/2009 23:52

sorry I shouldn't have sworn -- more angry with the situation than with any posters.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2009 23:52

"Who do you think is in control Soup? "

No one. That is the point. Fuck knows I wish it were so simple but it isn't.

MrsMerryHenry · 28/07/2009 23:52

Peas, if Threadie is talking about a social phobia, I don't think that can be classed as straightforward shyness. It's something quite different altogther. I have a phobia connected to walking down steep/ rocky hills - I become almost paralysed and cannot think/ control my way out of it. So I can understand that a social phobia would also be paralysing, and a massive, massive deal to tackle it.

Ggirl - even though I understand where you're coming from, I am at your recent posts. I think at this point the best thing to say would be sorry to all the people you've insulted, as your OP was excessively strong.

GivePeasAChance · 28/07/2009 23:53

I do think it is hard because I think there is dodgy advice out there and even if you did want to change, it would be difficult to find the right path.

For example, I think pills are a red herring. I think therapy is hit and miss. I think self help books are pretty dire and there is not much left really. So yes.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 23:55

ohhh-key-dokey then......

tomorrow I will be a socially confident person who does not tie herself in inept conversational knots

I will chat blithely about this'n'that, whilst putting everyone else at their ease with my wit and repartee

< clicks fingers >

and so it shall be, 44 yrs of negative reinforcement can be wiped just by trying a bit harder

easy, isn't it ?

Original poster
brimfull · 28/07/2009 23:56

op may have been too strong and I apologise if you are offended

I was venting my frustration

Not sorry I started the thread though

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/07/2009 23:57

Personality is shaped by experience. I spent my formative years being laughed at and teased because my name rhymed. It is hardly surprising that I now have a fear/hatred of standing out or being laughed at.

Being told that I should control it, to grow up and make a fucking effort or being told that shy people such as myself get on people's tits is really not helpful and shows a complete lack of understanding or empathy.