shy people get on my tits

[brimfull]

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

Yep. But you can't live life on what you should have done/said at any one time. You have to forget it and move on. I know it's hard, but it has to be done [Paddington hard stare at AF]

anyfucker - i am sure the other person won't think ill of you that you forgot to acknowledge their bereavement.I wouldn't I would assume you had found it too embarassing to talk about or something

Clearly the OP has fuck all idea what being shy is like. Perhaps she could grow up and make a fucking effort to understand.

Anyfucker - hi! - re your 'handbook' analogy, maybe someone else has already said this, but here goes:

(1) you appear to be comparing your insides with everyone else's outsides.
(2) that is not an equal comparison to make. You should compare like with like - ask friends how you come across on the outside - you might well look like you also have the same handbook in your clutches.
(3) handbook or not, I think you're bloody marvellous.

Sorry, that was in response to Peas (largely). Not meaning to be harsh. But death is always the elephant in the room for Brits, isn't it, skirting round the issue, never sure what to say. I don't see how you can forget that someone has died (or isn't that what you meant?) - was it not this that caused your unease?

It is totally forgiveable. That is the point.

When people say " we have all done it". They genuinely 100% honestly mean it.

Those who say they have never done such a thing are lying.

And thats the point. If you accept that you will never be this perfect social animal ( because NO ONE is) then you might be able to overcome some anxiety and get on with the small talk to eventually get to the juice stuff.

And did you just feel awkward and tongue tied and unable to say anything rather than just forgetting? (I think that's what I was trying to say.)

Like I said earlier up the thread, if I dwellled on all the times I have felt uncomfortable, I would never leave the house

I was just trying to demonstrate the extent to how shy people can tie themselves in knots, thus perpetuating a vicious circle of social inadequacy

I understand some people have deep social anxiety and phobia.

But do the people who are somewhere nearer the middle of the shy spectrum get that the non-shy feel most of the same anxieties also?

They just talk themselves out of it.

(I would rather not leave the house anyway!)

Anyfucker (I will end this barrage of posts to you, I promise ) you said "I always think of the perfect thing to say after the event and I still have cold sweats about the above example" - I think we all do this, I certainly do.

Perhaps your friend had had lots of people passing on their condolences and she'd had enough of having to put on a brave face and talk about her grand-daughter? So she might have been glad not to have to do it again with you. You never know. Cold sweats and over-analysing don't really give that much benefit, not least because you don't really know what what was in the other person's head.

yes MrsS, it wasn't awkwardness about the bereavement (tbh, I am great in those situations, unfortunate side-effect of my job)

I was so flustered at trying to think of "something" to say, the fucking great elephant in the room passed me by completely!

And that is what I am saying. Everyone is socially inadequate sometimes. This perfect social creature does not exist apart from in the shy person's head. We all have flaws and will all make mistakes. So shy people should make an effort too and just accept they will not be perfect in every social situation.

As a not naturally confident person, I find it helpful to tell myself "my shyness just comes across as rudeness". This gives me the confidence to rather say something prattish than be just plain rude and try not to meet someone's eye (my natural tendency )

It's not easy having a tendency towards shyness. I do feel sorry for people for whom it's a real problem, so I think OP is a bit U. Other people (like my Dad) just seem to assume people will like them - and they do! Just have to keep working at it.

MrsMH, thanks for your post of 23:17

and the one after

am struggling to keep up

No. I think unshy people don't care if people like them or not, on the whole.

Either that or they want to be liked too much.

Rock, hard place.

Anytime, Anyfucker!

I am quite surprised at how nasty some posts are tbh

I knew aibu threads are notorious for cutting to the chase but sheesh.

YABU and a wanker, too!

"So shy people should make an effort too and just accept they will not be perfect in every social situation. "

It is not that simple.

and peas and MrsS, my usual clarity of speech is deserting me a bit this evening, thanks for trying to understand, it is difficult to put into words

no wine has been consumed either !

feck, get me to a bumsex thread......

"I am quite surprised at how nasty some posts are tbh"

Me too. Like your OP for example.

Shy people do make the effort. And, yes, of course everyone is shy to some extent, everyone has some inner horror to overcome when they socialise. But some people are just a lot more shy than others, so overcoming is very much harder. It seems incredibly harsh to equate that greater difficulty with 'not trying', or to discount their intense shyness by reminding them that everyone has the problem to some extent.

are you really gg?..

Soup - I know - but it is a start.