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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell off a child that is not my own?

184 replies

Sheeta · 27/07/2009 17:25

It was raining this afternoon so went to the soft play centre.

DS is 20mo and was playing in one of those little tikes plastic cars. Older boy (about 5?) smashes into him and yells 'GET OUT OF THE WAY' in quite a horrible way (properly yelling). Scared DS quite a lot and he started crying.

I just said 'please don't talk to him like that, it's not very nice'

The Mum tells me off, asking me not to tell off her son. I point out that maybe she should have said something first.

Was I out of order? If you think I was, please tell me. I have never thought twice about asking another child to be careful/not walk backwards/don't hit etc. I understand that some people might not like it, but I just assumed that the Mum hadn't seen it happen (as it was she was right there, watching. she just ignored it )

Well?

OP posts:
slng · 30/07/2009 09:26

sheeta - it is our civic duty to guide young ones onto the path of righteousness. I'd have done the same thing.

slng · 30/07/2009 09:27

Oops wrong thread.

slng · 30/07/2009 09:44

Oh not wrong thread after all!

Goblinchild · 30/07/2009 09:49

Not enough gin on your cornflakes will do that to a girl.

slng · 30/07/2009 09:59

Cornflakes not good for you. Probably.

Stigaloid · 30/07/2009 10:00

YANBU - If my child did something that upset another child and I wasn't there to say 'no don't do that' i would accept another parent to do it, kindly of course, as i think it is important that he learns. In order to be part of society he needs to know how society behaves and i think as a community we all have a responsibility to young children to guide them properly. I saw a boy attempt to bite my son as he wanted the tricyle DS was sitting on. The parent was not in the courtyard area (he had gone inside to pay for stay and play) so i just said very loudly (1 was a good 20 feet away) "Er, NO! We don't bite thank you very much!" Child stopped mid gnash, looked up a bit confused and then stepped back. If you don't deal with bad behaviour immediately children do not learn IMO.

Goblinchild · 30/07/2009 10:05

Stigaloid, that wouldn't have worked with my son, hence why I'd have taken him in with me to pay.
He wouldn't have registered you were talking to him because you didn't use his name. And if you'd have got within his zone, he'd have hit you with everything he had.

herestoabetterfuture · 30/07/2009 10:25

sorry just to reiterate (spelling) what I said earlier...

Sheeta wasn't being unreasonable, but some of the judgements about the mothers parenting by other posters was, IMO totally out of line.

However, this thread has given me a lot more empathy towards understanding SN.

jemart · 30/07/2009 10:55

Yanbu - I would have done exactly the same thing.
Also had it been my child being horrid I would be apologising profusely for their behaviour.

pugsandseals · 30/07/2009 12:06

YANBU- I would have done the same.
However, people here seem to have missed the main reason for doing it IMO!
Surely, the main reason to tell another child off is to make sure that YOUR child understands it was wrong?
If I hadn't said anything in this kind if situation, my DD would have taken it as her given right to act in exactly the same way the other child did whenever she liked! Thus her behaviour would have been affected!

tinseltot · 30/07/2009 12:49

YANBU - The other mother was probably of low intellect and her children are likely destined to go on to be of now use to society whatsoever. Next time try to go to a playcentre in a posh area!

sleeplessinstretford · 30/07/2009 13:41

since smallwhitecat seems to have taken offence at what i said i'd like to reply.
I don't have an indepth understanding of special needs and clearly you do.
Your childs right to be disciplined as you see fit is of equal importance to the rights of the op's\my childs right to be able to play unterrorised.
My 20month old is unlikely to know that the child scaring/shouting/shoving them is
ASD and therefore should i allow this to just happen to her even though the reason is a genuine one? I don't believe in 'public tellings off' for the benefit of others-if you actually get off your arse and do something-racing over minutes after the event shrieking 'HE'S AUTISTIC' doesn't help anyone-and if you are that arsed about others reminding that there are smaller children are about then supervise him/her more closely and you wont have to worry about it.
You are getting arsey with the wrong person for no reason,i have sympathy with your situation but can't understand if you are so bothered why you let these incidents happen?

giveloveachance · 30/07/2009 13:49

pugsandseals, I agree with your reasoning.

I used to hesitate before saying anything to other children directly as being a new mum i did not know what the done thing was....BUT...the day dawned that I reaslied that my dd had the right to be stood up for by me and to know that when I tell her not to hit or snatch etc, that its not ok for other children to do it to her either.

You can admonish another child without being hurtful or scary, but it is important. It would be wrong to assume that a disruptive child always has sn. Some are just having a bad day!

luckily when I have said something, the ohter mum has agreed with me and a few times when my dd has struck out, the other mum has told her child off for snatching in the first place. I always get dd to say sorry and I apologise on her behalf too and try to get the two protagonists to play together. Doesn't always work though, but worth trying.

Original poster
Sheeta · 30/07/2009 14:01

There is also the point that you don't want your own child seeing you failing to stand up for him/her.

If a LO is being scared/hurt by a bigger kid then they need to know that you'll be there looking out for them (up to a certain age of course).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheeta · 30/07/2009 14:03

delayed x-posting there

OP posts:
redqueen45 · 30/07/2009 14:33

YANBU, but what a can of worms...

How about next time you're in this position you march over to yr child & his tormentor, then turn & say LOUDLY towards watching parents "is this yr child who's hitting/biting/frightening my dc? And are you going to deal with this, or shall I?", thus putting onus firmly back on them. Then you can't be accused of saying a word or even looking angrily at their little darling.

Takes a bit of neck, but at this stage (4 lively children sapping my lifeforce...) I'm long past caring bout opinions of strangers

pigletmania · 30/07/2009 15:00

The thing is, if a child is being physically or verbally abusive to to my dd, i dont know whether they have autism or not, most i probably have never seen that child in my life, and if a parent/carer does not intervene, i will take it upon myself to with every right.

I have worked with adults who have autism, and my friends daughter and nice both have it as well. There have been siutations where i have been with a service user and he has physically attacked children as they do not like them, so we try not to take them to places where they might be a lot of children to minimise risk. Of course we always have to be on the ball, but as council employees our hands are tied with how much physical restraint we can give to a service user.

CarmenSanDiego · 30/07/2009 15:22

Some posters seem to be suggesting it should be assumed that every child (or adult) you come into contact with might have an invisible disability which may mean he takes social interaction the wrong way.

Smallwhitecat in fact claims it is 'interfering' to respond politely but negatively to an interaction initiated by another child.

This is quite honestly an impossible way to live life. It would mean that you don't interact with any children at all in case they happen to have a rare condition in which talking about the weather happens to provoke them into biting your face off.

We all have to function in society. This means everyone has to generally adhere to agreed conventions.

It is generally considered ok to talk to strangers, including children as long as we are polite, not shouting or offensive. OP was definitely definitely not offensive.

If someone is unable to adhere to those conventions, through SN or whatever, then either they, or their parents/carer need to take steps to minimise problems with interactions that might occur - not just for other people, but because negative interactions are stressful for the person themselves - reducing them will make THEIR life happier. Those steps may be anything like closer supervision or personal coping rituals or whatever works for that person.

The mother of the autistic child in question clearly failed here. She should have been watching the boy far more closely and not run in after the event, getting angry. She's the one at fault. Not the OP who was behaving reasonably by most people's standards.

The general public are pretty good about making concessions when they are aware of a disability imo but expecting them to treat everyone with kid gloves on the offchance of one makes for a miserable society with everyone walking on eggshells.

pigletmania · 30/07/2009 15:47

At the end of the day, my daughter is still very young and vulnerable is my primary concern, as a mother i have a duty of care to protect her, not other peoples children, though i will also intervene if i see kids hitting other kids aswell. Oh no better not i might get locked up by the Police.

Original poster
Sheeta · 30/07/2009 15:49

"in case they happen to have a rare condition in which talking about the weather happens to provoke them into biting your face off"

Sorry, I know that wasn't meant to be funny but couldn't help laughing.

OP posts:
herestoabetterfuture · 30/07/2009 15:50

LOL at tinselot!

However, if you were being serious I'd say go back to the Daily Mail reading....

tinseltot · 30/07/2009 17:22

.

As for what carmen said - Amen. Surely this is a threadkiller as she has hit the nail entirely on the head.

Seriously though, the posh playcentres round here are so restful. They are full of little Tarquins and Graces who play gently whilst mummy reads the Guardian and daddy works away on his laptop. Tis lovely and nice for the price if you can afford it!

mumzy · 30/07/2009 18:31

I personally don't understand this phenomenon whereby other parents object to their child being gently admonished by other adults if they are naughty. It has led to a climate whereby adults don't like to interfere in any circumstance even when a lone child appears to be in trouble

Original poster
Sheeta · 30/07/2009 20:07

Yes, very true! Just before the shouting/telling off happened a little girl tried to get into one of the little cars and fell down, and somehow got stuck underneath it. I didn't know whether it was OK to pick her up or not... the Mum was on her way over (person the shouty Mum was chatting too, btw!) so I just didn't do anything.

It was only a few seconds, but all I wanted to do was pick her up - I just felt like I'd get told off for it.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 30/07/2009 20:58

Sheeta i totally agree with you, you were not to know that they child had autism, your not a mind reader, secondly as the child has a SN that can pose a danger to themselves and other children, the mum should be with that child all the time, and on the ball, not gassing to the lady next door to them. Your the one who should be angry at them, not the mother. I would be mortified if that was my child doing that autism or not.

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