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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell off a child that is not my own?

184 replies

Sheeta · 27/07/2009 17:25

It was raining this afternoon so went to the soft play centre.

DS is 20mo and was playing in one of those little tikes plastic cars. Older boy (about 5?) smashes into him and yells 'GET OUT OF THE WAY' in quite a horrible way (properly yelling). Scared DS quite a lot and he started crying.

I just said 'please don't talk to him like that, it's not very nice'

The Mum tells me off, asking me not to tell off her son. I point out that maybe she should have said something first.

Was I out of order? If you think I was, please tell me. I have never thought twice about asking another child to be careful/not walk backwards/don't hit etc. I understand that some people might not like it, but I just assumed that the Mum hadn't seen it happen (as it was she was right there, watching. she just ignored it )

Well?

OP posts:
DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/07/2009 18:23

sheeta where you at the same place I was???

today at soft play area a boy of 6ish jumped on dd2 (15months) while was driving one of these red and yellow plastic cars. my mum told him off gently at first and tried to distract him. He then jumped back in and tried to strangle dd and pull her out. My mum got hold of boy and pushed him away and he launched himself back at my dd2 screaming. A man had to came and take boy out and call security. The boy's mother came and not only did not apologise but she looked at me all arsey .
I swear this it the honest truth!!

I suspected he might have autism but like hecate said if this was the case the mother should have been a bit more attentive. I cannot imagine what he could have done if we were not so attentive: dd2 was in under 3 area btw.

and yes I agree those places are hellholes and only reason I went on a rainy-shoolholiday day is to exhaust the children and give my mum and I an hour window shopping. Not worth it!

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/07/2009 18:24

to answer the OP however I do tell other people children off gently if mum doesn;t do it and if it has any relevance to us iyswim.

wannaBe · 27/07/2009 18:29

firstly, how was the op to know that the child in question here is autistic? Autism has a very wide spectrum, and a lot of children who are at the high-functioning end of the spectrum are not obviously autistic, iyswim.

Secondly, if the child's autism genuinely meant he is unable to help his behavior or understand consequence, then the mother should be considering whether letting him play in a soft play area with hundreds of other children in the school holidays is really such a good idea. After all, even if he didn't hurt another child, if another child hurt him (which is ever possible in such places) then surely this could only lead to distress on the part of the child? And if the mother was prepared to take that chance, she should be supervising him more closely to ensure that he didn't hurt other children. Just because he has a disability does not mean he should be allowed to do what he wants unchecked.

There are children out there whose disabilities do mean that they don't understand their actions. But generally their parents don't put them in situations where they can hurt others.

GirlsAreLoud · 27/07/2009 18:34

Has anyone said it yet?

It takes a village to raise a child.

herestoabetterfuture · 27/07/2009 18:36

OP, I dont think yabu, you weren't shouting at the child. I would personally speak to another child if they were doing that to my child, or to another child.

However, maybe the mum had been having a bad day and she was feeling under the weather.

Perhaps, she was a little bit sensitive to her child's autism and behaviour, was embarrassed, or just fed up because someone else told her child off again and she wasn't on top of it all. You just don't know really. It might not have been aimed at you, just her feeling generally uptight (and who wouldn't be, going to those sticky, loud, indoor play areas )

I think (and I am donning a hard hat for this one) but some of the others snap judgements and comment on parenting is a little harsh. Remember, it could be your little darling doing the same thing in a few years time, and you've done all you can to not raise a naughty child

Original poster
Sheeta · 27/07/2009 18:47

DamonBradleylovesPippi: possibly - we're in Oxforshire, are you? it got quite mad later on, loads of older boys (8-10) running around in the under 5's area and knocking into all the little ones.

lol herestoabetterfuture - I have thought that as well, I do wonder how I will react when DS is older and pushes another kid over or something and gets told off by another Mum.

Not actually judging the Mum - sure she was having a tough day. She wasn't rude to me, I was just shocked at being told off. Comment noted about her just having a bad day though, you're probably right.

OP posts:
herestoabetterfuture · 27/07/2009 18:57

Sheeta, its really hard, I know I would be annoyed if the mother was standing right there and didn't do anything.

However, I have a full-on 3 year old whom I spend much time watching, teaching how to play gently, saying please and thank yous, teaching to be polite, feeding healthily (basically trying to do all the good things with) and she still can be a bulldozer with other children.

I remember seeing a toddler being very rough once and thinking "my child will never do that" and low and behold, I have a 3 year old who sometimes is a little rough for my liking!

However, I do try and supervise her as much as possible around other children, and she loves babies, but sometimes in my situation and being a single parent, you are so tired of having to deal with everything, you can miss things. Only being human I suppose! Plus it can be a phase I guess.

Sometimes children can be little horrors and grow up to be lovely adults?!

I'm just saying because whilst it wasn't right what her LO did, or the way she reacted, I kinda think that some people on MN can be very "this is the way it should be" and sometimes it's just not like that or mistakes happen. I know I get really upset if my LO is rough with another child despite all I've done.

Just a different viewpoint, I suppose

Analobeseder · 27/07/2009 19:19

No-one here is saying that it's the child's fault for being too rough, or that it's uncommon for kids to squish each other. I doubt there's a single parent on here who can say their DCs have never hurt another child, intentionally or not. And of course we can't all watch our DCs like a hawk every second when we're out, so sometimes we will miss their bad behaviour and not pull them up on it. The point is that mums shouldn't get all arsey when another parent disciplines their child, as long as it's done gently and politely.

herestoabetterfuture · 27/07/2009 19:34

I agree ana, its just that some posters on this thread made comments i.e. about raising a brat that way....I think that's a little harsh.

Or that parents can be on top of it all the time, that's not possible. That moment in time was just a snapshot, not an example of the mothers parenting. That's what I mean. I just thought it was a bit ott to disect the mothers parenting based on that particular incident.

However, the mum shouldn't get arsey. IMO though, saying dont do that, isn't really telling off? It's just pointing out the obvious really? IYSWIM?

motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 19:36

YANBU! i always do it,damn right.my mum was the head of a school for special needs kids and hecate is right,you have to work harder to instill the good behaviour eticate..it does not excuse anything.especially if the mum is sitting there watching.
you always get little shits at these play centre places,cant stand them!
my group of nct mums and i had a talk when are lo's were young and agreed that we were alright to tell the others children off if they were being naughty.i think it's fine.
if the parents are there and not doing the'parenting' i bloody will!

yappybluedog · 27/07/2009 19:38

yanbu, I had the same thing today, again in a bleedin' soft play

a boy a bit younger than my dd tried to wrestle one of those swingy ball things off her

She was having none of it so they wrestled for about 5 mins

he then started kicking her so I went over there and said to him, with my sternest face (which is quite scary)"NO KICKING"

he didn't do it again and I wouldn't of giving a flying fuck if his parents had confronted me

herestoabetterfuture · 27/07/2009 19:48

I hate indoor play areas

they are so sticky, hot and smelly

plus it's always expensive, and you're trying to keep an eye on your children.

then there's always bigger kids charging around and running into the little ones

then your little one is calling you from the top of the slide, so you have to go up there, and show your builders bum to everyone, and then get a static shock from the slide.

then your little one wants you to do it again, you get all hot and sweaty

and then there is a fight over the bob the builder car thing with another child

then you're keeping an eye out for the rougher kids, or the bigger kids who are in the baby bit with your LO

and then you have to change a stinky nappy in the stinky hot nappy change room

then you decide you've had enough

and then your little one screams because they dont want to go home

For the love of all that is good on this earth, why?!

yappybluedog · 27/07/2009 19:54

yes they are hell on earth

CaptainDJ · 27/07/2009 20:00

I would like to pick up on the autism bit. We had exactly the same at the weekend. I teach autistic children in a mainstream school, so have a pretty good understanding and a niece of ours has Aspergers too. Anyway, we had just arrived at the pub for a meal with DCs aged 8 mths and nearly 3. A child stood (about 11) at the patio doors and screamed into the pub after someone (his mother) You bas, I hate yout F kids and your gay husband, etc. I immediately said he's probably autistic (no problem there) Screaming and abuse ocntinued while mother and step-dad did nothing (in fact husband was grinning, according to my DH) DH said I've had enough of this and confronted parents, asking that if they could not control the boy, could they please take him home. Mother said "Have you got an autistic child?" To which hubby replied he had autistic niece and was therefore aware that this was obviously a challending situation for the boy, so why were they doing nothing to calm/reassure him. She above everyone should understand his frustration! They left about 10 mins later
Anyway, I have rambled but the point I was going to make was that while I have no doubt he was autistic, I think there are some 'savvy' parents who would actually make it up to excuse bad behaviour/parenting or at the very least just think that they don't have to bother parenting because their child is autistic. And another point...there is only one place a child of that age learns/gets away with speaking to adults in that way.......

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 27/07/2009 20:19

YANBU I would have told the mother she should be the one telling off her brat child, and if she is incapable of doing so then you will.

maggievirgo · 27/07/2009 20:20

I think those parents were making that up.

Shouting nasty comments at strangers for no reason definitely isn't an autistic trait. An autistic boy might have started at them, taken them in, but he wouldn't have shouted stuff at them for no reason.

My son is autistic, and he and his little peers would only really 'kick off' and tantrum or shriek if their plans were thwarted by an adult who knows better. ie, doing something dangerous, or queue-jumping (hard to understand!) standing on a table, eating another chocolate bar, taking somebody else's drink.....

maggievirgo · 27/07/2009 20:21

I meant to type stared at them, not started at them.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 27/07/2009 20:24

YES Autism has a very wide spectrum, BUT it is not a get out of jail free card....I have a child in the AS but I don't go OH he can't help it, wrong is wrong

CaptainDJ · 27/07/2009 20:29

Well, he was shouting at his mum because his sisters(step?) had taken something he had or wanted and he was later getting very anxious about something that he thought he had lost, so not sure. Most likely to me he was autistic tho.

maggievirgo · 27/07/2009 20:30

I have felt like saying it sometimes, when my son is having a melt-down in the supermarket... and judgey people are looking at you thinking, I wouldn't let that happen, my parenting skills are better, that boy is a brat............ their eyes are wide open enough ONLY to judge, not to contemplate the reasons why a 4 year old boy might be so distressed in a public place over 'nothing'.

There is no shortage of people to flash you a dirty look and make you feel crap though.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 27/07/2009 20:32

No you are not being unreasonable.

TwoIfBySea · 27/07/2009 20:34

YANBU, in fact you worded it very well and inoffensively so the mother of the brat was being the unreasonable one.

Some kids do need to hear the word no sometimes as it is obvious which of the little darlings don't hear it at all.

5Foot5 · 27/07/2009 20:35

YANBU. How were you supposed to know he was autistic? His mother should have dealt with it a bit more speedily herself if she gets upset about anyone else telling him off.

Havind said that, a friend of mine was in a slightly similar situation once but in the other role.

Her son is a big boy for his age. He always has been very tall, the tallest in his class at school by a long way. Also he was a bit on the clumsy side but quite well behaved really.

Once when he was between 2 and 3 she had him in a soft play area and he was playing in the under three section when he accidentally knocked over a little girl. Friend hurried over to try to sort things out but before she could get there the little girl's dad started to have a real go at him, telling him to be more careful. Obviously, this father though little H was about 5 or 6 but in fact he was slightly younger than the girl herself.

Friend was a bit put out because her DS was a very shy little boy and it upset him when a stranger started to tell him off.

Yurtgirl · 27/07/2009 20:35

My ds is on the autistic spectrum - if he behaved in that way, I would tell him off (regardless of whether or not other children nearby were scared)

Sheeta yanbu imo - especially as you didnt really tell him off - you just asked him not to speak unpleasantly to other kids

Goblinchild · 27/07/2009 20:39

Was going to add my tuppence, but Hecate said it all for me.
As the parent of a child on the spectrum, it's an explanation, not an excuse.
So in that situation, the other parent should have been in very proactive mode and got there first. You didn't yell at him and trigger a meltdown, and you had every right to step in.
Two points though.
My son at 5 would have regarded everyone in the play area as the same, he didn't differentiate for age. So 20 months or 10 years old would have got the same response.
Secondly, using ambiguous language wouldn't have been understood 'Would you mind not doing that?' 'Would you like to play nicely?'
That's why I dealt with situations that arose before another parent had to.