to tell off a child that is not my own?

[Sheeta]

It was raining this afternoon so went to the soft play centre.

DS is 20mo and was playing in one of those little tikes plastic cars. Older boy (about 5?) smashes into him and yells 'GET OUT OF THE WAY' in quite a horrible way (properly yelling). Scared DS quite a lot and he started crying.

I just said 'please don't talk to him like that, it's not very nice'

The Mum tells me off, asking me not to tell off her son. I point out that maybe she should have said something first.

Was I out of order? If you think I was, please tell me. I have never thought twice about asking another child to be careful/not walk backwards/don't hit etc. I understand that some people might not like it, but I just assumed that the Mum hadn't seen it happen (as it was she was right there, watching. she just ignored it )

Well?

it's not easy...

exactly smallwhitecat.

YANBU. Apart from anything else, isn't it a lot less work for everyone if parents look out for/gently correct other children as well as their own? If only you is allowed to talk to your child, that means constant vigilance, doesn't it?

The only caveat is that I wouldn't want someone being hostile or verbally abusive to my child. But nor would I want them being hostile or verbally abusive to me, in any circumstances. If everybody (a) takes collective responsibility, and (b) remembers their manners and is age-appropriate, then I really don't see the problem.

I absolutely HATE this 'only I can tell off my child'.

That's fine as an approach smallwhitecat, but it means you have to be on the ball and spot trouble on the horizon.
You remove him from the situation.
Sheeta said 'I just assumed that the Mum hadn't seen it happen (as it was she was right there, watching. she just ignored it)'

It's not fair to NTs to expect them to understand what's going on and respond sensitively if you sit on your bum and then react poorly to another parent saying 'Please don't talk to him like that'

i loathe those places but on the few occasions that i've taken dd2 to them i have no qualms in saying to random kids 'don't push/shout/shove the baby' if their parents have ever had a problem with it i've said to them 'i am sorry,you were over there reading the paper/drinking coffee/talking to your friend so i wasn't sure who she/he was with' the only time i've had slight sympathy with someone was when her dd (about 2.5) went to bite mine-i looked for someone to deal with it and saw a panic stricken mother feeding a new born-so i picked her older one up,deposited at her feet and said 'it's a lovely age isn't it?'with a smile-which sort of disarmed the situation...she was watching but unable to deal.i thought that was fine.

Smallwhitecat - but why should another parent have to stand by and allow a possibly troubled child to lay into their own child (and where does it stop? what if it was a physical challenge rather than just shouting?) and not intervene in case they were undermining the parenting of the child with learning difficulties/whatever?

OP - YANBU - I'd have done the same, and asked the mother why she couldn't exercise some control over her child in a social situation. I tell other people's children off a fair bit, often because they're endangering themselves through their behaviour (shoving one another into a busy road, etc), or doing something that I think is bad for the community. I've yet to be convinced that it's a bad idea to give up on other people's children and not do this.

Not read the whole thread but usually find at soft play places the children are either
a) super observed or
b) ignored

I used to have to be with dd all the time as she is very shy, then I stopped going as I got fed up of seemingly having to watch everyone elses children whilst they read their magazines and had a coffee with their friends.

Last time I went though, I did tell some children off as they rammed toy prams down the slides into various children (my own included)
I ready for an argument with the parent when she came over, but she skulked off and reprimanded her child. Did not apologise to any child though, which I thought was very bad manners.

I know what you mean smallwhitecat. Even if it's not 'bad' behaviour per se, if somebody says to my son, "run along outside and play with the other children so your Mummy and I can talk" they don't realise that they have delayed his eventual exploration out into strange garden with strange children by at least an hour.... and everytime they say something that would work ie, produce a result with an NT child, they make it harder for me/him/themselves!!

But this post is no longer anything to do with the OP, just an observation to SWC really.

My tuppence worth:

I expect other people to tell my children off if they see them being brutal or rough or whatever. Just as I'd expect them to pick them up and bring them to me if they saw them being upset.

In the - very busy - park today I did both to other people's kids and it was fine with everyone.

(I do find it hard not to roar in scary fashion when I see big boys beating up my LOs, the "gently and firmly" line doesn't always work when the Tigress mode kicks in. Although obviously I work hard to restrain the Tigress instinct.)

I have admonished children in the way you describe and had my own children told off too. I think it is the right thing to do.

The last time I rememeber DS misbehaving he had misjudged the age of children on the bouncy castle and was playing too boisterously and scaring them. He 100% needed to be stopped and I was further than the father who did it, I thought that was absolutely fair and told the dather so and made DS apologise.

If parents don't want others to intervene when their child misbehaves, then they need to be right there dealing with it themselves.

YANBU.I always tell them if they do something nasty but in a friendly ,positive way instructive way rather than a telling off tone IYKWIM

Thanks all... I guess IABU to expect to go to somewhere like a soft play centre and NOT have that kind of thing happen...

Funny how much everyone is in agreement. I've seen threads before where some posters have steamed in, all outraged that any other adult should dare look askance at their darling angel, because it's the parent's job to admonish their child and no-one else is allowed to comment.

Have these idiots missed this thread? Or possibly realised they are anti-social and not doing their children any favours?

OP-you have reminded me just how bad these places really are.

I find they are full of parents who either:

1)Allow their child to run riot, becoming in effect the bully of the soft play centre and woe be tide anyone who dares to reprimand their little angel, who is simply mis-understood and showing off their "adventurous side".

2)Think their child is so precious that no other child what-so-ever has the right to
breath the same air, let alone dare to step into the same soft paly area as them. Any child who so much as trys to pick up a toy that their child could have wanted to play with during the same hour must immediately be reported to mum and dad for condemming.

Much simpler to go for a walk in the woods and countryside me thinks.

Sheeta - was this Jambinos at the Kassam by any chance?

We have thankfully moved, but did used to frequent that one and unlike others we have been to there are no centre staff around blowing whistles and alerting children and parents to dangerous behaviour (like charging the wrong way up the slide and bundling into the under 3s bit!).

It is the parents responsibility to supervise their kids but also not unreasonable for other adults or centre personnel to challenge unacceptable behaviour.

YANBU

I think a lot of the time parents see these soft play places as somewhere to dump the kids while they have a coffee and a gossip. , however, I am definately in the telling off camp whether it be me to another child being naughty or someone telling off my child for being naughty, children need to understand the rules of society and they need to start learning them young.

I suspect a lot of the little shites teenagers who give police grief are those very same children who were never allowed to be told off by anyone but their parent.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation, but only another adult says your childs name and when you say "what is it? what did he/she do? They sigh and then say "Oh it's nothing!" WHY DO IT???

smallwhitecat - how was I supposed to know that he was autistic?!

i'm not going to refrain from telling off a kid when he/she crashes into my DS or throws things at him, just incase they have autism

The MUM should have been watching him. If she was so worried about other people telling him off (in case it made the situation worse, not better, as you said) then she had no right just sitting there, gossiping with her friends, ignoring her child while he barged around the under 5's area shouting at my DS.

shivster - no, but I have been to that place. This was the one in Carterton..

The Kassam one is a bit better - but not much.

smallwhitecat
it's the judgey mcjudgeysons of the world, who come along saying that this one off snap shot of the parent make them a bad parent and raising an asbo youth!

As I wasnt there I don't think the OP was BU, but I do think some of the reactions of others on this thread was.

All I think is poor parents. Probably tired out/stressed out. She was probably upset that the umpteenth time that day her child had done something and was fed up with other parents judging???

Maybe I'm just not keen to label parents for one incident as being capable of raising ASBO youths.

And, if I'm honest, I don't think the OP was telling the child off, just pointing out the most blatantly obvious, so wasn't being horrible.

However, it depends in what context and tone, and the situation surrounding the incident, that would depend on how I would react to another adult telling my child off.

What about if your child hasn't actually done something wrong and was told off? (obv not this situation) Would you all be going "that's right, tell off my child, it takes a village, you know". Don't think so.

So get off your high horses and come back to earth people.

I'm adding a big here because I just think I'm about to start world war 3......

peace x

thanks herestoabetterfuture.
I keep saying i 'told him off' but yes, it was more asking him not to shout as DS in my standard MumVoice. I wasn't shouting at him (obviously) and I certainly didn't take a harsh tone with him.