to tell off a child that is not my own?

[Sheeta]

It was raining this afternoon so went to the soft play centre.

DS is 20mo and was playing in one of those little tikes plastic cars. Older boy (about 5?) smashes into him and yells 'GET OUT OF THE WAY' in quite a horrible way (properly yelling). Scared DS quite a lot and he started crying.

I just said 'please don't talk to him like that, it's not very nice'

The Mum tells me off, asking me not to tell off her son. I point out that maybe she should have said something first.

Was I out of order? If you think I was, please tell me. I have never thought twice about asking another child to be careful/not walk backwards/don't hit etc. I understand that some people might not like it, but I just assumed that the Mum hadn't seen it happen (as it was she was right there, watching. she just ignored it )

Well?

Also Sheeta, obviously no one would like to see their little one get hurt, so in that regard you were perfectly right to step in. I dont think your tone was out of line.

x-posted

(I'd do the same too)

My DS1 is 5 and also Autistic.

I don't think you were BU in asking the child (ANY child!!) to please not talk to your child like that because it's not very nice. ALL children have to learn.

I would certainly not take offense if someone said something along these lines to my son, and I would also certainly not think twice about saying it to someone elses child (and have done on occasion).

I have been in the other parents position though, where I have felt that I have had to defend my sons disability, but this is when people have been plain ignorant or rude about something he has done/is doing, not when they have asked him nicely not to do something.

If he spoke to another child the way yours was spoken to, I'd have told him off myself, but if I had missed this behaviour, I would expect someone else to say something.

With Autism, unless your child wears a T-Shirt with their disability emblazoned all over it (I have thought about doing this from time to time ), no-one knows as it is not a visable disability, so although as a parent of a child with ASD it does upset me when people are rude or ignorant, I also understand that some of what my son does can be looked upon as naughty behaviour (and some of it actually is naughty behaviour!!).

The mother should not have "told you off", but maybe just quietly explained about her sons condition if she felt it was absolutely necessary to mention it at all.

Don't be worried about saying anything to other children in the future. Not all parents of kids with ASD react this way !!

Tbh I think it's a bit unrealistic to expect every person to take into account that a child that for intents and purposes looks/acts relatively normal then pushes or hurts their child to not react...especially if their child is smaller ..I would love to say I would take into consideration every eventuallity and issue when pondering a persons parenting but I am far from perfect. .

And I would be happy for an adult to speak to/correct my children if they were being rat-bags..so long as they were respectful and it was warranted.

i am sorry smallwhitecat that your dc has autism-however,that does not mean that i am prepared to let your child frighten/hurt my child for fear of upsetting yours.You are right,we can't all know an entire situation from 2 minutes observation and if you are so bothered about your dc being scolded by strangers might i suggest you don't leave his/her side in public to prevent anyone upsetting you/your son.
I do have sympathy but honestly-it does take a village to raise a child.
lazy asses who do not manage their children in public play areas/parks (and by this i don't mean you)must be shamed into it-i wont have my precious lambkins scared to play out because of other peoples children.

the woman at the soft play was doing nothing.

She was as far away from her son as I was,had ample opportunity to do something (I paused before saying something to the child, waiting for the parent to step in. She didn't).

DS was terrified, and her child wasn't moving. What was I supposed to do?

I do see your point of view, and I will think twice if a similar situation arises, and of course now the possibility of autism or something else will now cross my mind, but if a child, especially a much older child is hurting or scaring mine and the parents aren't doing anything, then that child will get a gentle word or two from me.

Sheeta ..I have yet to go to THAT perticular softy play (have only been to one before for a birthday) and was thinking of venturing there on a wet day

I have heard its a bit grubby and populated by erm Mums who just abandon their DC's. Have you been to the Witney one ??

oldraver The one near focus? Yes.. it's OK, but quite small. There isn't really an area for smaller children so personally wouldn't venture there in the holidays. It's OK in termtime though.

Oh for goodness sake, it's ridiculous to expect people not to ask a child to stop doing something that is upsetting or hurting another child on the (small) offchance that thay 'may' have a disability/condition/whatever that means they can't help it. Or that their parent 'may' be dealing with it in a very specific way which involves looking like they are doing sod all but are actually 'avoiding negative reinforcement of bad behaviour' We're not mind-readers!

The OP is NBU and I totally agree with sleeplessinstretford.

I have also stupidly offered to take DS to big indoor softplay place tomorrow and am now regretting it more than ever.

Now for my other question. Shall I post this on NM and see if I get similar responses there?

oh... come on, it's a joke..

i had words with an 11 year old class mate of my daughters, he was very rude and arogant to her in front of me. I told him it was little wonder she didn't spend as much time on the shared stall if that was how he spoke to her. she had only asked how they were doing (sales wise). He obviously went sqealing to his mother, who duly told me that I had no business speaking to her son and I should have spoken to her. and that he had a perfect right to voice his opinion as he did. but if you met the family who are all very arrogant you wouldn't be suprised. I would not be at all put out if a parent actually witnessed something and then politly reprimanded my child. Parents who stick up for their kids no matter what, in my experince raise very self centred kids who get away with murder and think they can treat people how they like with no repercussions. re the soft play places, I have always found the majority of kids are there for their parents benefit not the kids!!!

Smallwhitecat, surely in that case it's the mother's responsibility to be watching so that if something like that happens, she can jump in immediately BEFORE any other adults get involved?
I know that's probably unreasonable / unfair, but if a child was hitting my DD I'd be more interested in stopping them than in trying to find out whether they were NT.

Message withdrawn

YANBU.

If you don't want strangers to interact with your child at all, you shouldn't take them out in public.

The OP was not 'interfering' and I would hesitate to use the words 'telling off' - what she said was a quite reasonable request. She just asked the boy who was harrassing (or interfering with!) her child to please not do that.

I have to be honest I am inclined after reading through all sides to agree that you are not being unreasonable to have said something to the child - I bloody would have as the mother of a four year old if an older child was screaming in my childs face like that.

What I cant stand though as the mother of a son with add is people telling my son he is naughty - he is NOT naughty he is not able to control his impulses and whilst he needs to be to told its wrong and disciplined other people do have the potential to make it so much worse - that said I watch him like a HAWK when out so it doesnt often happen.

I suppose what I am saying in a roundabout way is that I can see both sides.

I agree with you prettyfly. No children should be labelled. It's the behaviour that's an issue, not the child and 'naughty' is a horrible and poorly used word.

It's difficult though, the majority of people haven't had training in child development or an awareness of these issues so they may not interact with your child in an ideal way.

In OP's circumstances, her request seems beautifully worded to me.

But it's life really that not everyone will interact in an ideal way with your child and you need to find a way of coping with it. Funnily enough, I'm seeing a lot of parallels with another current thread about a child with SN kissing babies which is the same sort of thing.

Children need to have appropriate ways of behaving towards others modelled for them and reinforced and perhaps this is all the more important when they have SN. If their parents encourage or allow them to behave inappropriately or to cross strangers' personal boundaries, they risk a 'telling off' which may vary in wording depending on who is giving it. Parents who object to this telling off need to work a lot harder to establish appropriate behaviour.

Can I just point something out though - and I am in agreement with what a lot of you are saying. But also, what do you expect when you go to an indoor play area where a load of children are running around and playing? A lot of the time wildly as well. Children can, in my experience, desend into madness within a matter of seconds and indoor play areas are breeding grounds for it.

Yes children don't always play nicely. They do need to be made aware of their behaviour. But the poster who was seriously shocked at the children who were smacking and hitting or grabbing - you have got to be kidding me, children ALL do that at some point. Some more than others. And yes their parents should step in and tell them off.

But sometimes, just sometimes, the parents don't see it. (If my child has hit another I will always apologise, get my DD to apologise and check the child is ok, and reinforce the rules about no hitting etc)

You've also got to remember that at 3, children don't necessarily understand about hitting. They want what they want and they go about getting it. That's why it has to be reinforced a lot.

It's not nice to have your little one bit at the receiving end of the behaviour though. The OP was right to say it.

But also, for those with children with SN, you have to understand their reasoning. Ok so Sheeta didn't know in the first place that there were learning issues, but she was made aware of it. (However I don't see how the other woman couldn't have stepped in first to prevent it happening?)

I've seen both sides of this one played out many times on here. Seems like when the thread is about an ill behaved child being horrid to OP child, the consensus is 'it takes a village to raise a child', but when it's OP child whose been told off by a stranger (curiously usually an OLD WOMAN or similar) it's all 'how dare she, she has no idea what your day was like, you're a wonderful parent' etc etc.

I think that in general, people would like to be free to tell off other people's DCs but retain full telling off rights over their own.

Like so many aspects of public behaviour - it's ok if I do it.

I think, SN or not, you are right to politely remind a child of suitable behaviour (not shout etc as OP certainly didn't) if they in danger of hurting/ upsetting themselves or others. If the child is behaving badly and it is not affecting you then the general rule IMO is keep your nose out. In this case, OP definitely NBU.

I think what you done was fine and I would not mind someone telling my child off if they shouted at a younger child like that especially if he was five! thats old enough to know how to use his manners or just be a bit more patient

i think you are very brave taking a 20m old babe to a soft play area - i always gave them a wide berth in school holidays, but dd is a pfb and an only...
me over protective no!!!

i always tell other kids off and my own one too - other mums think i am too strict but i never wanted to raise a brat.

Shona what you did sounds fine to me.

Dont think twice about doing it next time.

There are no circumstances in which a child with autism at a school etc would not gently be reminded NOT to hit or hurt another child. This should stand for other places where children (especially younger ones) are present.

Sorry if that touches a raw nerve with anyone but thats how I see it.