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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if i am BU or not- please jury come and give opinions..

74 replies

Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:44

I have used a name I very rarely use, but have done so in the past on occasion.

Right,

My DH has recently gone onto FaceBook.

He has added friends, obviously, but one woman I was really about.

Just as we were getting together, over 13 years ago, DH had a thing woth this woman, it was sexual, he chose her over me at the time, it really hurt me, but we were only a casual thing...anyway, SHE finished it.....me and DH later got together properly, got married and have 3 DCs .

We occasionally see the other person at familys house as she is the friend of a neice, it has always been a bit strained, but ok, she is a lovely person,it's just a bit odd, iyswim , given the history of him fucking me over for her, at the time, which I adnmit IS a long time ago. She knew at the time how I felt about my now DH, but he was the one seeing me, not her, I don't have a grudge against her.

However, I said that it was at the least inappropriate for him to add her as a friend on FB- he said why- I explained that he had in the past really hurt me with this person, and I didn't think it was on.

Thing is, he is a really intelligent bloke, he knows exactly why I wou;ld object- I am not usually jealous or pssesive, but he HAS bee incredibly so in the past, and so would be aware of innappropriate contact...

I don't know-am I being a bit mad?

I really don't mind your answers, honestly.

OP posts:
MovingOutOfBlighty · 26/07/2009 19:47

My head is saying 'YABU', you must trust your DH to do the right thing.

My heart says 'YANBU' 'get the f*ck off my DH FB page right now you bitch' I would then go and stop being so reasonable as you are atm and smash the keyboard for your computer so she stays the hell away.

cookielove · 26/07/2009 19:47

i think you are being a bit unreasonable, i have many friends on face book, and even a few x's i'm not friends with them really though.

Unless ur really worried about his intentions by him being friends with her then i don't really think it is an issue

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:48

Thanks for your answers, it helps the balance, have just been in my own head with DCs all day.

OP posts:
Meglet · 26/07/2009 19:48

Yanbu. Its not the end of the world but Facebook is meant to be fun and its pretty insensitive of your dh having that woman on there.

Point him towards privacy settings and the block option.

HaventSleptForAYear · 26/07/2009 19:48

Hmm.

I don't think adding as a friend is a problem (it was 13 yrs ago as you said).

But I would probably be a bit pissed off secretly.

Hormonesnomore · 26/07/2009 19:50

You Are NOT Being Unreasonable.

I would not like this one bit.

Just my opinion fwiy.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 26/07/2009 19:51

I'm with Movingoutofblighty.

You KNOW your DH loves you now you have 3 kids etc but some tiny tiny unreasonable part of your doesn't care and also doesn't want to be reminded of a time of your life which quite upset you. So you are both unreasonable and reasonable.

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:52

I DO think it's insensitive of him.... especially how aware he is of MY behaviour, even though I have never done anything 'wrong'.

He is SO sensitive about me, just seems odd he can't see how I would feel, iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:54

Thanks, I guess I have got it a bit out of proportion.

Really do appreciate a reality kick!!

OP posts:
KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/07/2009 19:55

I think he is being unreasonable to add her.

evaangel2 · 26/07/2009 19:56

So why dont you add one of your ex's as a contact and see how he reacts?
do you think it would bother him?
I would not like it imo

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:59

He wouldn't like it at all if I added an ex- well.... the past 13 years would back that up, he is very protective, iyswim, which is why it bugs me.

OP posts:
whistlejacket · 26/07/2009 19:59

YANBU or mad, I would feel exactly the same as you. Even though it was a long time ago, it obviously still hurts you and I think he should be sensitive to that. Obviously your relationship was meant to be, it's worked out, you have three children and she now means nothing. However there's no need for him to be in touch with her any more. Why does she want to be FB friends with him? I'm a firm believer in moving on from ex's, especially when you're in a steady relationship.

My dh set himself up on FB and got approached by a few ex's, to avoid trouble with me he deleted his account and isn't on there now (we'd already had enough trouble as it was by then).

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:59

whistlejacket I totally agree

OP posts:
VelvetPlum · 26/07/2009 20:00

He is certainly being unresonable in maintaing that he cant see why you'd mind it. Especially as he is prone to jealousy.
He is choosing to be oblivious because it suits him.

suzi2 · 26/07/2009 20:00

I think your DH is being stupid to add her. I think it's a fair sign you can trust him and he's added her innocently - if it was for any other reason he'd be secretive and not add her lol. Also, with FB, you can get carried away with adding people.

Did he request her as a friend or vice versa? That might change my mind... it's one thing not turning down a request, it's another seeking that person out.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 26/07/2009 20:03

I also think it doesn't come down to whether you are actually being reasonable or unreasonable it comes down to the fact you are not entirely comfortable with him adding her as a friend and you are his wife and in this situation he should respect your feelings.

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 20:03

whistlejacket-and I have been approached by ex's and ignored their 'friend' request on thge exact same grounds.

Just doesn't add up, if you knew him.

Oh I don't know, I think I am cross with him for contacting another ex and telling hrer to e-mail hin on his work e-mail so he isn'r quote'in deep shit' with the wife.

Thing id, I really am NOT a paranoid person, it's not in my nature, but now i FEEL A BNIT MAD. OOPS CAPS

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 26/07/2009 20:04

In all honesty i don't think it would sit very comfortable with me.
However, it's done now and it probably would be harder for him to kind of get rid of her now iyswim.
Try not to let it bother you too much ( easier said than done) as it may come between you.

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 20:05

Thanks Libras, suzi, bioscuits...velvet- yeah that's EXACTLY what I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 20:07

And everyone esle who answered- sorry- the thread moved pretty quickly. Thanks anyway for answering.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 26/07/2009 20:12

I think you have the right to feel this way so that us not unreasonable in the least
!

whistlejacket · 26/07/2009 20:44

Dragonesque - don't blame you for being cross about him contacting that other ex in that way! I would not be happy about that either! In an ideal world in happy relationships we can trust our partners 100% and not worry about these things. But each relationship has its problems and I think zero tolerance is needed towards ex's and any other women sniffing around! Tbh men do like female attention even if they are in a happy relationship.

PenguinProject · 26/07/2009 20:57

"I think I am cross with him for contacting another ex and telling hrer to e-mail hin on his work e-mail so he isn'r quote'in deep shit' with the wife."

I would be so p'd off with him for this.

It does sound like he is being insensitive. So no I don't think YABU about this at all.

twinmam · 26/07/2009 21:07

So, basically, he contacted her, in secret, with some arsey remark about you?! YANBU at all! I'm not suggesting there is anything in it but he has been very insenstitive and disrespectful, especially considering that he is, as you say, 'protective'. I'd be very very pissed off in your position and I think you have every right to be!

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