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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if i am BU or not- please jury come and give opinions..

74 replies

Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 19:44

I have used a name I very rarely use, but have done so in the past on occasion.

Right,

My DH has recently gone onto FaceBook.

He has added friends, obviously, but one woman I was really about.

Just as we were getting together, over 13 years ago, DH had a thing woth this woman, it was sexual, he chose her over me at the time, it really hurt me, but we were only a casual thing...anyway, SHE finished it.....me and DH later got together properly, got married and have 3 DCs .

We occasionally see the other person at familys house as she is the friend of a neice, it has always been a bit strained, but ok, she is a lovely person,it's just a bit odd, iyswim , given the history of him fucking me over for her, at the time, which I adnmit IS a long time ago. She knew at the time how I felt about my now DH, but he was the one seeing me, not her, I don't have a grudge against her.

However, I said that it was at the least inappropriate for him to add her as a friend on FB- he said why- I explained that he had in the past really hurt me with this person, and I didn't think it was on.

Thing is, he is a really intelligent bloke, he knows exactly why I wou;ld object- I am not usually jealous or pssesive, but he HAS bee incredibly so in the past, and so would be aware of innappropriate contact...

I don't know-am I being a bit mad?

I really don't mind your answers, honestly.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 26/07/2009 21:14

and this is why FB is so sh*t...

Trixel · 26/07/2009 21:23

I was totally with Movingoutofblighty in the head vs heart analysis of the situation: YABU because it was 13yrs ago, you're a family now, blahblahblah vs YANBU she's an ex, and they can just make us uncomfortable no matter what logic says!
But then you mentioned him contacting "another ex and telling hrer to e-mail hin on his work e-mail so he isn'r quote'in deep shit' with the wife." WTF? Now that I would be very pissed off about. That seems disrespectful in the extreme. Did you find this email or something?

Woollymummy · 26/07/2009 21:36

are you getting on ok with DH at the moment? not wanting to pry so hold back if you want but it sounds like 13 years and 3 kids means more to you than to him. if you are feeling shut out of his life in other ways and not loved by him as you were hoping for, it is not surpising that this type of behaviour would make you sad. I hope things improve for you.

evaangel2 · 26/07/2009 21:40

btw I dont think your mad...every relationship must have boundaries and adding ex's would not sit well with me..to me its over stepping the mark and being disrespectful to you.
An ex sent me a text message( I had deleted his number when we split) once and asked to stay in touch, he then rang me coz I said no, I explained to him that i was engaged to the most fab guy and it would not be a good idea(ex was a nice guy but it didnt work out)there are some really wise mumsnetters on here, there advice and opinions are invaluable

take care hugs to you

CyradisTheSeer · 26/07/2009 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum · 26/07/2009 21:51

I would be very pissed off with the "in deep shit with the wife" comment

I don't have problems with men/women being friends (although I hate the devils work that is FB with a vengeance....)

but for that comment alone, YANBU

Fucking disrespectful, in my opinion

Trixel · 26/07/2009 21:57

dragonesque - is DH having a bit of a mid-life crisis at all? seeking reassurances that he is / has been attractive to other women than you?
The FB ex is not really the issue IMO, it's the comment to the other ex. As a few of us have said, it's so disrespectful. A comment like that ensures the "deep shit" he was trying to avoid. Had he just been in touch with her openly we could have done the same as we have done about the FB dolly - had a little chunter about it, but bowed to the greater logic and probably just got on with it.

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:18

Thankyou everyone...
Trixel, yep, absolutely get what you are saying...sorry if I don't answer everyone, have been away at a friends house but HAVE reads your comments, and I appreciate all of them.

To be honest, I wonder why he thinks it IS ok, when it SO goes against the grain with everthing emotional in h9im, iyswim.

He is 46, I am 39, I don't know if that makes a difference. e-mail lady is same age as him, new FB friend is 30.

I do know I have been worried about the lack of sex for a long time... he is never interested in me.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 26/07/2009 22:20

Exaclty with Movingoutofblighty said....

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:22

Missed a few posts there, as it took so long for me to type, the pondering and all, but Anyfucker- yep that is absolutely mu opinion!.

But he is making out he doesn't get it..... and he is intelligent....and sensitive...wtf??

I'm just questioning everything noe tbh.

Thanks again everyone...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:24

I feel the need to paste this thread to his e-mail addy!! Who agrees?

OP posts:
Trixel · 26/07/2009 22:27

Well, it would certainly be "Can open.... worms everywhere".
I guess he might begin to see how it looks to other people, not just you.
You'd really be opening it up though, may have an almighty row. Are you okay with that?

twinmam · 26/07/2009 22:30

Hmmm... I think I'd be more inclined to sit down and have another chat with him but just to use the points raised on here as backup. If he really isn't seeing your point after that then maybe say that others have agreed that they'd feel hurt in your position too but I'd be disinclined to email him the thread TBH

DandyLioness · 26/07/2009 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:35

No, wouldn't show him the link, this is more about ME trying to sort my head around it, that was a rash post...in the heat of the moment an' all...

However, AIBU?

I think he has been a prick, now I have given it some thought, to add this other person.....he knows exactly how I feel, I cannot imagine him thinking I would ever be ok with her, nor would I ever add 'ex' BF, as it is would be oh, I dunno,,,,,,so fecking inappropriate?

I suppose, I FEEl, I am upset. Thankyou everyone for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:36

dandy- she was 18, he was 34, ...hmmm, it was uneasy then, but legal...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:38

Thanks Twinmam- I do need to get a grip, am all pathetic emotions atm, don't know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:40

Trixel...no I hate confrontation, am really crap with it, but did it..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:41

Thankyou for all your replies, it has really helped, am going to bed now [pathetic emoticon]

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 26/07/2009 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

twinmam · 26/07/2009 22:46

Agree with DandyLioness

mrsboogie · 26/07/2009 22:46

You are so not BU. I would never put an ex on FB.

Original poster
Dragonesque · 26/07/2009 22:48

Dandy- no he absolutely hates my reaction-.... he is really trying to say 'why do you hsave a problem with it'

It is ME who is feeling like the pathetic attention seeking one for making a fuss....but this is after the history I have outlines, it just doesn't fit, iyswim.

Sorry, am tired an teary...god, what a pathetic twAT \i AM!! aNYWAY, THANKS. oOPS CAPS agaiNNNNNNNNN!

OP posts:
twinmam · 26/07/2009 22:50

Dragon, you are NOT being pathetic, not at all!

twinmam · 26/07/2009 22:51

He most certainly is though!