I really don't know if i am BU or not- please jury come and give opinions..

[Dragonesque]

I have used a name I very rarely use, but have done so in the past on occasion.

Right,

My DH has recently gone onto FaceBook.

He has added friends, obviously, but one woman I was really about.

Just as we were getting together, over 13 years ago, DH had a thing woth this woman, it was sexual, he chose her over me at the time, it really hurt me, but we were only a casual thing...anyway, SHE finished it.....me and DH later got together properly, got married and have 3 DCs .

We occasionally see the other person at familys house as she is the friend of a neice, it has always been a bit strained, but ok, she is a lovely person,it's just a bit odd, iyswim , given the history of him fucking me over for her, at the time, which I adnmit IS a long time ago. She knew at the time how I felt about my now DH, but he was the one seeing me, not her, I don't have a grudge against her.

However, I said that it was at the least inappropriate for him to add her as a friend on FB- he said why- I explained that he had in the past really hurt me with this person, and I didn't think it was on.

Thing is, he is a really intelligent bloke, he knows exactly why I wou;ld object- I am not usually jealous or pssesive, but he HAS bee incredibly so in the past, and so would be aware of innappropriate contact...

I don't know-am I being a bit mad?

I really don't mind your answers, honestly.

I still maintain that the ex on FB isnt the thing that would rile me (well, maybe a little), it's the email to the ex referring to dragonesque, and the trouble he'd get in if she found out. He's asking for illicit communication with this woman, and that's not acceptable. Open and honest, not underhand and covert.
And get away with your [pathetic emoticon] - all these feelings are valid, and not pitiful in any way.

Were you worried about the email contact with the woman the same age as you before this facebook thing happened?

personally I think the 'trouble with the wife' comment is much worse than the facebook thing but if you were already pissed off about the other woman it may be making you feel more sensitive about the facebook contact.

I wouldn't seek out or accept a friendship with my ex but I can see how that might change in time.

I'd say every marriage gets a "freebie". I am irrational when it comes to DH's ex gf before me. I KNOW he would never ever ever betray me, 'specially not for her. BUT she is so his 'style' sexually, iykwim, in ways that I am not, that him chatting with her sends my self confidence right down. I know it's not rational and he just has to deal with it - she's my freebie.

He is not the jealous type, so he hasn't used his freebie. He maintains that he will save it for when some super-hot famous gal needs his sexual services

when i said "open and honest not underhand and covert" i was making some sweeping grand statement about how communications in relationships should be - but didnt really make that clear, so perhaps sounded like I was saying he was being open and honest. I wasn't.

Lets look at the facts.

1: He adds ex-(very young)GF from 13 years ago as friend on FB

2: He contacts another ex and asks her to email him at work so he won't get into 'deep shit with the wife'

3: He (despite being intelligent and sensitive) is suspicsciously incapable of see how any of this might upset you.

4: He himself would be extremely upset if YOU did any of the above.

You are SO not BU.

marenmj, what the heck are you on about ?

freebie?

your blokes ex is "better suited sexually" to him, how do you know that ?

what a weird post

thankyou for all your opinions, laddeez!

Sometimes it is difficult to know if you are on the right track, iyswim, and then I end up doubting my own integrity.

Yes the e-mail to another woman(same age as him, an old girlfriend) DID upset me for the same reasons, the hiding, secrecy, and the reference to being in deep shit.
I found it by accident looking for an e-mail about something else, I don't really check up on him in that way.

He DID apologise, but it just seems incredible he thought this was ok- and after the FB thing, I really do doubt what is going on in his head atm, he has always been so sensitive to what is 'ok' and not in terms of friendships. I don't know....bloody man...

Last night he hadn't taken her off his FB, even though he said he would...so I kicked him out of bed and he slept downstairs.

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum,

the freebie is that I am allowed to be irrational about this one person and DH has to respect my feelings and not be all chummy with her.

she is a tattooed punk rocker. I am not. DH likes the tattoed punks, that's his fantasy. He married someone who doesn't look his style because our personalities suit perfectly.

The point that I should have been more concise about was that the OP doesn't have to be logical about her objection to this woman, provided she doesn't make a habit of it, and that her DH should be respecting her feelings on the matter.

I'm with you now marenmj

sorry for snippy reaction to your post

maybe I read it wrong, just didn't seem to make sense

ex's are in the past and ex's for a reason - and should stay in the past

fb ruins many relatioships

yanbu

Oh god, now I am all paranoid becuase in general DH is anti all internet chat sites etc but lately has joined face book to try to find people who he has played in various orchestras with over the years, to invite them to play at his various gigs

I know it makes me a paranoid control freak, but I don't like the idea of all those ladies who he "grew up with" chatting to him, I know he has "career women" freinds who don't get me being happy to be a SAHM and loook on me as a boring frump

sorry, not helping the OP here!! - am with neveryone else, the secrecy and comments about you are disrespectful, YANBU

Ha ha,PeedOff no that make no difference to me! I have never had a problem with that sort of thing- I have always felt pretty secure etc, up until recently, due to changes in his attitude and behaviour(online at any rate).

Dragon - would it be worth trying to show him what he is doing? You would need to appear as if you've decided to just get on with it, and ignore the problem. Then, in a day or so's time, let him know, in a fairly casual way, that there are a couple of your exes that you hadn't been in touch with because you had felt he would be upset about it. Now that you've both decided that it's okay to have perfectly platonic contact with old friends, you were planning on responding to Billy and Bobby (or whatever their name(s) might be. It would have to be unconfrontational, and fairly matter of fact. Praps he would feel a bit differently about it if he's on the other side. Given that he has been jealous himself, I really think he needs to see the parallels.

I still maintain, though, at the risk of harping on, that the issue for me would be the secrecy and reference to you, not the contact itself. I just realised today that my DH has an ex on his FB - one who he was pretty keen on as well - but I'm not really too concerned about it. He was in touch with her a couple of months ago when a big group of school and college friends suddenly all found each other. It made me twitch momentarily, but it's okay. However, if I discovered he was emailing her in secret I would be (metaphorically) knocking him from here to December!

Trixel- yep it was the secrecy etc that I found distressing, it just seems so....untrustworthy. He used to be proud to tell people about me, it just made me feel really sad, but ultimately, it isn't physical, it was perhaps just a bit foolish and he was a bit of a nob- perhaps harking back to his youth or some crap.

Also the reference to me...it was the tone of the whole post that sounded wrong- it was too flirty in general.

I have never been a jealous person, never accused him of things in the past etc, whereas he HAS been the one to accuse me over anything, but that is obviously to do with HIS issues, I have always been very honest and trustworthy.

Yep- could suddenly secide to get in contact with people again!! I had quite a varied past before I met him- I HAVE actually ignored quite a few FB friend requests- after all I'm not 18 anymore and do not feel the need to have hundreds of cyber friends, it's just his integrity which I now question.

Silly bugger.

Thankyou for responding, and dittany too.

our gut feelings and thoughts tap into what we feel and you are feeling uncomfortable

i am with u on this,on basis that he acknowledged to FB pal that he "would be in shit" with the missus

your DH knows he is being provocative and is acknowledging this to her,and fwiw i dont think your DH whom you love should be posting about you behind you back

it is sneaky

and if he too would have a green eyed twinge if it were him he should be more sensitive to you

YANBU !!

This all sounds very sneaky. When I started reading your original post, I thought that maybe you were being a little bit unreasonable because a lot of people have ex's as friends on FB, but after reading it through & then some more of your posts, it really started to rile me about how insensitive and sneaky your DH is being.

Myself & DH are on FB, and I have a few of my ex's as "friends", but we both know each others passwords because we have nothing to hide. If DH was unhappy about any of my ex's being "friends" I would delete them, as his feelings are paramount to me and at the end of the day, these ex's are just that - FB friends, we don't even really speak !!

I think you need to take some of the advice given to you, and let him know that you too have added some ex's as friends as it's obviously ok for you both to do so now. I'll bet his reaction will be different then.

Good luck.

Yep- thanks, your posts have really helped, it really isn't like me to feel like this, but due to his attitude etc when confronted/asked about it, I just felt really uncomfortable. He refused to see how obtuse he was being.

He is away for the week at the mo, and I am keeping very busy and doing lots of activities with friends and the DCS.

When he rings I have been really polite etc and he has been texting me why don't I go to where he is staying too? Usually I would be trying to get hold of him etc, but I'm a little tired of feeling pathetic- what I need to do is get a life really- have been SAHM for 5 years, since youngest was born, and I'm way overdue to get back to some employment. We need a bit of space, and for me to get everything in perspective....this thread has really helped- so I'm not a crazy loon!

I really think he has been a bit of a nob tbh, but I'm pretty sure nothing serious has ocurred- the issue now is how to go forward.

Don't know if I could add ex's btw, it wouldn't feel right. I agree that exs should be left in the past, especially some of mine

I think you should just be open with him and tell him how uncomfortable you are. Turn the tables on him and ask how he would like it. Ask how he would like it if you were regularly contacting your ex.

Then, if you are stuck in a rut, you both need to work out how to make this work better. This sounds to me not to be the problem with the relationship going a bit stale but a symptom. I am sometimes feeling that too with my DH. Perhaps you should go and join him if you can offload the DCS!

I have been very honest about how I feel, how uncomfortable I feel etc.

Yes perhaps you have a good point though....13 years, 3 DCs, can all get a bit boring can't it?
I just wish he would turn his attention onto me, I would love it! I've told him this too.

ha, no I can't be arsed with another bloke!

Sorry, I mis-read that as going to join YOUR DP!!
Opps- no, can't offload Dcs- it's a 7 hour car drive away, he has our eldest with him anyway

Know the feeling - 18 years can make it all a bit stale as well!

And if you are really desperate, of course you could join my DP...!!