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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children gone on Hols with ex and he wont answer the phone or let me speak to them!!! What can i do???

427 replies

Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 10:38

my 2 children have gone on their hols with my ex we have been seperated for 5 years and he asked if they could go with him he has only ever had them stay 2 nights with him in a row! had the odd night once or twice!

they went friday its now thursday and i have not been able to contact them! my dd has a mobile which i ring and it keeps ringing and the ex just cuts his phone off when i ring, ive sent messages saying id like to talk to the kids which he ignored till yesterday when he sent a message saying
"not got good signal will see if they want to talk to you later"

not a word back no call nothing!

i miss my kids and wish they had never gone! what do i do??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/07/2009 15:34

BabyW, you haven't posted for a while

Any updates? Are you OK ?

mosschops30 · 23/07/2009 15:34

Dont talk to a solicitor, they have no-ones best interests at heart other than going back to court time and time again and making more and more money!

babywhiting, how far away are you from them? Have you txt him again asking him to contact you or you will be left with no other option.

The mobile signal thing is bollocks, maybe cant get one by the tent or whatever, but dont they ever go anywhere else, beac, town etc? Surely there is a signal within a 5 mile radius!

And to the poster 'who knows enough about the justice system' blah blah, get your facts right, part of our contact agreement was fortnightly phonecalls, there were other aspects to the contact too, but OP has said he has other contact arrangements too, just that his twice weekly phonecalls were part of that arrangement.

dittany · 23/07/2009 15:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 23/07/2009 15:35

Don't call the police yet. If he doesn't return them when the 2 weeks is up then you should phone them..They are probably fine and having a great time with thier Dad.

mosschops30 · 23/07/2009 15:39

lol at not speaking to your kids for 2 weeks and then phoning the police

Can you see the mumsnet threads now after reading headline 'Mum thought they were safe with Dad' cue lots of mnetters saying 'stupid woman who would leave it 2 weeks to phone the police, when you hadnt heard from your kids'

In 5 years on MN i dont think ive ever seen such an unreasonable thread as this, its like a joke, and not a funny one

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 15:41

It doesn't have to be a "cosy chat". They just need to have a civil working relationship regarding the children. If you get solicitors involved it costs you thousands. My brother and his ex-wife went down this route just because they refused to speak to each other. It was ridiculous.

As others have said, the OP surely can't be worried about them going on holiday with their father or she wouldn't have let them. It isn't wholly reasonable for there not to have been a phone call. But it isn't wholly reasonable to call the police, get in a car and start haranguing him, or get a solicitor involved straight away.

And he may not have been a good husband for whatever reason - that's not for us to judge (well, actually, this is mumsnet so it probably is) but that doesn't stop him being a good father.

I think some people are maybe letting their own bad experiences with difficult exes get in the way of being objective and sensible here.

dittany · 23/07/2009 15:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 15:49

I don't have any personal experience of divorce, thankfully, so I'd say that is in fact highly unlikely.

I've already said I don't think he is being reasonable. People seem to have missed this. It obviously needs to be sorted out.

BintOfBohemia · 23/07/2009 15:49

OP - are you ok? What are you going to do?

VinegarTits · 23/07/2009 15:50

I dont have a bad experience with a difficult ex, i still think the op has every right to be upset and concerned, its the first time they have been away with him fgs, he keeps cutting off he calls the prick, if he didnt have a signal it wouldnt actually ring out

daisydora · 23/07/2009 15:50

OP - you are obviously worried about your children and i can totally understand why you would want to say a quick 'hello' to them. Your ex is being unnecessarily cruel in not letting you talk to them, and is probably using the situation to hurt you, if he dislikes you as much as you say he does. I also think that a 5 yesr old would want to speak to its mother, even if it was having the time of their lives. Especially considering they have never been away from mum for this length of time before.

I wouldn't ring the police though, that seems extreme as they are with their father and you did agree to them going. Ringing the site manager seems the most reasonable option at this stage.

Personally I couldn't cope for 2 weeks not speaking to my kids no matter who they were with or how much fun they were having. I hope you get to speak with them soon.

mosschops30 · 23/07/2009 15:51

UQD i think regardless of anyones experiences it is common courtesy and common sense that if you have children with you anf you are not their primary carer (or even if you are) it is important that in 6 days they maintain some contact with others.

Like I said in my previous post, when I take the dcs away next weekend I will still speak to dh and so will they, are thats just 2 days.
Is it not common sense to at least ring and say 'hi, we're loving it, see you soon'? It doesnt have to be an hour long chat every day

VinegarTits · 23/07/2009 15:51

And this - "not got good signal will see if they want to talk to you later"

Will see if they want to he's an arsehole

mosschops30 · 23/07/2009 15:53

Oh and another thing, dd goes away with grandparent at the end of August.
I would be seriously pissed off if that grandparent didnt ring me at least once to say they were ok/having fun/nice weather etc. And dd is bloody 13!!!!!!

BintOfBohemia · 23/07/2009 15:57

the mobile thng's bollocks too - they have phone boxes in Devon. When we were kids and went on holiday my mum would always phone her mum to let her know we'd arrived safely - and this was years before mobiles were invented.

msled · 23/07/2009 15:58

Getting a matter like phonecalls in place won't cost thousands. Maybe hundreds. The alternative is cheaper and easier though - not letting him take the kids away again! I admit I'd be tempted by the latter as a solution.

dittany · 23/07/2009 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/07/2009 15:58

This reply has been deleted

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skidoodle · 23/07/2009 16:01

I couldn't have a civil relationship with someone who took my children away and didn't respond to my attempts to contact them while they were gone.

If I were in the OP's situation I would be thinking about calling the police. I don't think it's an overreaction, and as for the idea that it's not their place to get involved with "domestic disptutes"

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:03

Has he broken any court agreement? No. Has he taken them away without consent? No. Is he being a bit of an annoying prat? Yes.

Over-reaction, much?

daisydora · 23/07/2009 16:03

But like shiny says, if he hasn't broken his court order would they get involved? I honestly don't know but he hasn't kidnapped them she did agree for them to go away. And contact has been made with the father so she knows they haven't had an accident.

Not that any of that makes the OP feel any better I understnad why she is out of her mind.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:04

msled - yes, but she couldn't do that without a change in the agreed access arrangements, could she? Which would also cost money to put in place.

Lostinparenthood · 23/07/2009 16:06

This thread has lost all credibility and has turned into another bash the ex husband conversation and all men are shit.

And as for the Fathers for Justice snipe, just shows how bitter and twisted some of you really are. Get over yourselves it's meant to be about the kids not you!!

dittany · 23/07/2009 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 23/07/2009 16:07

This goes way, way, way beyond being an annoying prat.

Their primary carer hasn't seen or heard from them at all for six days.

If you think that's just being a bit of a prat then we might as well live in different universes.

I have never, ever heard of any responsible adult denying a parent contact with their children in this way.