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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children gone on Hols with ex and he wont answer the phone or let me speak to them!!! What can i do???

427 replies

Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 10:38

my 2 children have gone on their hols with my ex we have been seperated for 5 years and he asked if they could go with him he has only ever had them stay 2 nights with him in a row! had the odd night once or twice!

they went friday its now thursday and i have not been able to contact them! my dd has a mobile which i ring and it keeps ringing and the ex just cuts his phone off when i ring, ive sent messages saying id like to talk to the kids which he ignored till yesterday when he sent a message saying
"not got good signal will see if they want to talk to you later"

not a word back no call nothing!

i miss my kids and wish they had never gone! what do i do??

OP posts:
junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:19

Is his wife definetely with them?

idranktheteaatwork · 23/07/2009 11:20

How do you know he is not playing with them? They are on holiday, he clearly loves them otherwise he wouldn't want to go on holiday with them etc etc.
Chill. I'm sorry, at the beginning of the thread i thought he sounded like a right arse, i don't agree with him not calling you but from his point of view i would guess he is making the most of what precious time he gets with them.

idranktheteaatwork · 23/07/2009 11:22

It doesn't matter whether she is or she isn't Junglist1. He is their father and the op agreed that he could go on holiday with them.

wannaBe · 23/07/2009 11:23

junglist1 and the fact that the op won't allow her kids to speak to their father more than twice a week, and the fact he had to go to court to get access to his children shows that the op has control issues. imho.

Maybe that's why he hates her. I can't say I would blame him.

mayorquimby · 23/07/2009 11:25

"It is sadly not uncommon for men to harm or kill their children to get back at an ex they hate."

sorry but it's very very uncommon.
however when a seperated parent harms or kills their children it is not uncommon for this to be the reason.
the two are completely different.

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:25

She agreed not knowing he wasn't going to allow her to speak with her own children. What kind of idiot is he?

wannaBe · 23/07/2009 11:26

bear in mind we are getting only one side of the story here.

And responses like "it's not uncommon for ex's to kill their children" (not exact words but ykwim) are utterly hysterical, given the children are there with the op's permission, that the relationship ended five years ago and that both partners have now moved on into new relationships.

I think people need to get a bit of perspective.

Buda · 23/07/2009 11:27

Babywhiting - there is nothing wrong in wanting to speak to your children - it is completely understandable.

Obv there are reasons why he has such limited contact? I think some people are assuming the worst from previous experience and others are assuming that all will obv ok because there are with a normal reasonable man who loves him but the situation may well be somewhere in the middle and we don't know.

So I would text him saying you need to speak to the children within an hour and if you don't get anywhere i would text again saying that if you don't get to speak to them you will have no option but to get the police involved - the threat should hopefully be enough to get him to ring.

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:27

Why did he need a court order for access OP

Original poster
Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 11:28

ok lets get this clear , I was not the one who decided on phone calls twice a week it was the Judge !!!!!! my ex ghas another son he never contacts from the age of 3 he is now 12! my ex diddnt want to know the kids for a year when we split as he wanted time to be a lad (twat)! i have never stoppped him seeing or contacting kids its him that says he doesnt want them!

i know he has a signal as he managed a text and i called as soon as i received it ! he did cut me off! i have left message
on my dd phone and his with no answers!

it would be of great comfort they are having a great time but i just want to know they are ok! is that a problem!

my ex is the past but he is still their dad! i too have moved on way befor he did and i am very happy !

OP posts:
junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:28

Good point Buda

silverfrog · 23/07/2009 11:28

this is all getting a bit hysterical.

OP has said she doesn't think her ex would harm the children

they are with their father, who the OP obv thought woukd be ok to look after the,m for 2 weeks. he is undoubtedly being an arse in not phoning/texting updates as to progress, but really, call the police?

and i cannot believe that anyone said that it is not uncommon for exes to harm their children.

of course it is.

there are hundreds of thousands of children with divorced parents. not all of those parents get on. very very few are harmed.

FFS.

wannaBe · 23/07/2009 11:29

But we don't know that he is not allowing his children to speak to their mother do we? All we know is that they haven't spoken to her.

Maybe they're not bothered because they're having such a good time. It's harsh but it does happen. It is entirely possible that the children are having a lovely time with their father and aren't that bothered about calling home right now.

Presumably if the op took them on holiday they wouldn't be looking to call their father every five minutes either. And tbh given the op only allows two calls a week she doesn't strike me as the type who would encourage them to call their father.

So maybe he's getting his own back a bit.

TwoHot · 23/07/2009 11:29

I would text to say you would like to speak to each child today before bedtime as you miss them, and then that you will be happy to leave them to continue their holiday. If you dont hear from them today you will be calling the police. After speaking to them I would then leave them alone. If I got any indication when speaking to them that there is a problem I would go there myself and check it out.

Original poster
Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 11:30

wannabe you should get your facts straight i have never stoppped access or contact i encourage it! ok

YES I ENCOURAGE HIM HAVING CONTACT I AM NOT JEALOUS AT ALL!!!!! now do you hear me!

OP posts:
silverfrog · 23/07/2009 11:32

does the court order say phone calls only twice a week? or does it say that a (minimum of) 2 phone calls a week.

dh has been stuck on the wrong side of wording with court orders too. his states a weekly call (supposed to be a minimum to ensure he was allowed at least that) his ex stuck to that and he wasn't allowed to talkk to them more often. sometimes court orders do not need to be followed to the letter.

does the same court order set out what happens when the children are with your ex? ie same amount of phone calls, or a different pattern?

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:33

Him playing games like this will mean the OP will be reluctant for the children to go away with him again. What a twonk

Original poster
Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 11:33

court decided that as he broke the court order before by not having them! he always cancels!

only allowed 2 calls as he is very manipulative "the judges words"

OP posts:
wannaBe · 23/07/2009 11:34

ok fair enough op.

But sometimes phone signals can be patchy and can lead you to feel you are being cut off when actually it's the signal. I often get that when I call dh if he is on a train etc. phone will ring, he will answer then it will cut off, or it will cut off after ringing for a while. Or it will ring this end but not at the end the phone is at.

In that respect I do think mobiles are the work of the devil.

I do understand that you want to speak to your children.

But calling the police is totally ott. Especially if they are still in the same country and you know where they are.

If you were that worried you could drive down there and find out. If you were that worried there would be no reason why you couldn't do that.

So I would chill, and wait for them to come back next week. And then I would have serious words with him over the lack of contact.

But I wouldn't call the police.

junglist1 · 23/07/2009 11:37

OK middle ground. Like others said text him that if you don't talk to them you'll ring the police. That'll let him see his pathetic games have consequences.

Original poster
Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 11:37

if you read back i have not mentioned once i will be calling the police!!!!!

bear in mind my dd had to be persuaded to go by me as i thought it would be good for her to have this time with him!

SO NOW IM OVER REACTING AM I????

OP posts:
jellybeans · 23/07/2009 11:41

Sounds like he is doing it to wind you up. He is putting himself first. Surely they would want to ring their mum during a 2 week holiday! It doesn't take much for him to get them to ring you. I would say you are worried and if he doesn't call you will ring police. I would also not let him take them for 2 weeks again.

Buda · 23/07/2009 11:41

Try and calm down BW. Text him again and say you are sure they are fine and having a great time but you need to speak to them as you miss them. See what the response is. Also ask him why your DD is not answering her phone. Have you texted her?

I would be a bit concerned that your DD is not answering or texting. Not panicked but a bit worried that she lost her phone or something.

Nancy66 · 23/07/2009 11:42

In fairness to the OP she has not discussed the police - that was other people's over reaction.

I agree that the police are not the way to go. I also agree he's a twat for not putting them on the phone.

Is it possible to ring the site office - ask if you can send an email and for them to print it out and give it to your ex. Word it strongly and say you need to speak to the children in the next 24 hours, say you have spoken to the local police who are happy to visit the site and check on the children if he does not comply....he won't want the police turning up in front of other families

Longtalljosie · 23/07/2009 11:42

"He is very manipulative".

Right - so that's what the issue is. He is deliberately upsetting you by not letting your phone calls through. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong. I don't think you should call the police.

But if access issues are ongoing, I would keep a log of your attempts to contact your children. Just make sure you're not doing it every 10 minutes so he can't turn it around on you.

You could ask staff at the campsite to discreetly check they are both there and well. Explain they don't need to directly get involved, just walk past and check they're there ok.