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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children gone on Hols with ex and he wont answer the phone or let me speak to them!!! What can i do???

427 replies

Babywhiting · 23/07/2009 10:38

my 2 children have gone on their hols with my ex we have been seperated for 5 years and he asked if they could go with him he has only ever had them stay 2 nights with him in a row! had the odd night once or twice!

they went friday its now thursday and i have not been able to contact them! my dd has a mobile which i ring and it keeps ringing and the ex just cuts his phone off when i ring, ive sent messages saying id like to talk to the kids which he ignored till yesterday when he sent a message saying
"not got good signal will see if they want to talk to you later"

not a word back no call nothing!

i miss my kids and wish they had never gone! what do i do??

OP posts:
wannaBe · 23/07/2009 16:35

so, having looked back at op's previous posts it would appear that she moved house without telling her ex where she lived and that he had to go to court to get contact with his children.

I would say this is very much tit for tat behavior - not excusing it, but op's previous posts do offer some explanation as to why the ex might behave like this, given that op has previously acted in exactly the same way.

Both parties are at fault wrt maintaining relationships between their children and the other parent IMO.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:35

The fact remains that they are with their father, not some evil abductor, and the OP has no reason to assume he is some sort of controlling psychopath or I assume she a) would have said so and b) would not have been happy to let them go off on holiday with him. He's just being a bit of a tit. That is annoying, but it's not a crime.

dittany · 23/07/2009 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:37

Simple answer. Because they are desperate, dittany. As desperate as a mother would be, and prepared to do anything to see their children. Ever think of that? Less of the "prejudices" crap, please.

dittany · 23/07/2009 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 23/07/2009 16:38

Why am I at fault for pointing out that this thread attacking a woman for being worried about a lack of contact from her children because they were with their Dad and therefore "probably safe and having a wondeful time" and trying to insinuate that any possible problems with this man must surely be her fault for being unreasonable about contact is using the logic of F4J?

I'm truly shocked at how the OP has been treated, how her dilemma has been minimised and how her worry has been dismissed while so-called "prattish" behaviour, that is not remotely in the best interests of the children, is being excused.

Is it just Dads that are allowed to get away with this, or would guys be OK if anyone who had your children refused to contact you to let them know they were OK for six days?

wasabipeas · 23/07/2009 16:38

Dittany, can I please offer you a glass of wine and a comfy chair in a darkened room

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:39

(How can it not be a fact that F4J, regardless of its management, attracts some people who are ordinary, desperate blokes? To say it's not a fact means none of them are, and therefore that they are all controlling psychopaths.)

dittany · 23/07/2009 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

andyourpoint · 23/07/2009 16:43

"Is it just Dads that are allowed to get away with this, or would guys be OK if anyone who had your children refused to contact you to let them know they were OK for six days?"

NRP's do not always get contact every 6 days.

Every other weekend and one evening during the week is the norm.

myredcardigan · 23/07/2009 16:45

Actually UQD, DH is a lawyer and always says that even if we split and I was being ridiculously unreasonable, he wouldn't touch F4J with a bargepole. He thinks their main core are a bunch of yobs. That's not to say, wronged fathers may turns to them; I'm sure they do.

andyourpoint · 23/07/2009 16:45

"Same kind of story with most if not all of their activists - men with criminal records of violence against their exes. Men who have been denied access because they pose a physical danger to heir children."

Is this a fact?

wannaBe · 23/07/2009 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:46

I have not been "taken in by their propaganda." I have nowhere said that I support them. I have said that I sympathise with men who are wrongly denied access and who see their organisation as the only course of action open to them.

I'll say it again - to say that there are ordinary, desperate men among their numbers is not a prejudice presented as a fact. It is a fact.

Because if it isn't a fact, then it must be true that they are all "woman-hating bullies". Which is a bit sweeping, and sounds a bit like, ooh, a prejudice to me.

myredcardigan · 23/07/2009 16:48

To clarify, I meant he's had professional dealings in family law and come across lots of this stuff.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:48

I love that expression "most, if not all". It means "some - which I am going to use to tar them all with the same brush, and if I say it quickly enough nobody will notice."

skidoodle · 23/07/2009 16:49

UQD

Unless you are suggesting that there are only two types of men in the world - the women-hating and the ordinary and desperate, then your logic doesn't stand up.

Unless you know at least two men who can be demonstrated to be ordinary and desperate, and you can prove their existence and ordinary desperateness to others, then your stated fact cannot be taken as such, even if you believe it to be so.

CarpePerDiems · 23/07/2009 16:49

andyourpoint, and some nrp can't be arsed to see their children at all. So what? What some people do or do not have is not relevant. This is one mothered worried and upset because she has had no contact with her very small children despite trying. She doesn't represent every mother who has ever behaved badly towards an ex, she doesn't reflect anyone's experience but her own.

I'm shocked at the beating the OP has taken over this thread and at the level of projection going on.

dittany · 23/07/2009 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:52

Not suggesting that at all skidoodle - I'm not the one presenting some kind of false dichotomy here. I'm commenting on the fact that it has been presented.

I wish the whole "F4J attitudes" thing had never been brought up, because it is very misleading in this case. It is being used as a stick to beat those of us - many mums too - who don't feel that the OP's DH in this case is doing anything which merits police involvement.

sunfleurs · 23/07/2009 16:53

allnew "if dd is scared of her dad, the op wouldn't have sent her on holiday with him. FGS!"

How the hell do you know? Do you know the OP or something? God some of you live in cloud cuckoo land. Do you think that if some of the mothers who lost their children to abusive ex partners had any "choice" in the matter. Of course they don't, if they had a "choice" these awful tragedies wouldn't happen! would they?

Maybe at 8 years old she has seen the pain her Mum has been in and doesn't want to add to it. Lots of kids who are scared or abused or bullied don't speak up. There are so many different things that could be happening here but to make the above statement shows a complete lack of insight imvho.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way saying that abuse is happening here but I wanted to address that statement.

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:53

Oh good. The BNP argument comes out. Yes, let's compare anyone who disagrees with me to a member of the BNP. That's helpful.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2009 16:54

OP

what does your court order state about holidays and contact during them?

If it says nothing I think it would be a good idea to make a proper arrangement for times like this to set your mind at rest.

If you think he might be abusing them or is planning to hurt them (instead of just being controlling) then I suggest you contact the police or your solicitor for advice. You can easily phone your local station for advice about any of this without having to dial 999.

Good luck

UnquietDad · 23/07/2009 16:55

Now that's a sensible question from Lauriefairycake, which I was wondering too and haven't seen answered on here yet. Hopefully that will get this discussion back to the point.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 16:55

What worries me is this man has never had his children for more than a night or two before and now he has taken them for 2 weeks.

BW - please let us know what is going on and call the camp site.

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