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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it hard to like a friend who has had an affair

67 replies

Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:21

with her mates husband? We are long term mates and she has done this, and I just can't like her any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:25

(Although I am trying)

OP posts:
junglist1 · 20/07/2009 11:25

I don't blame you! I dumped a friend for the same reason a few years back. That's nasty and sick. Are there children involved?

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:25

oh god yes.

OP posts:
brimfull · 20/07/2009 11:26

one of my best friedns had an affair for 5 yrs

she confessed to me when the shit hit the fan adn her friend found out

I was really shocked and weirdly hurt.

She had been lying to me for 5 yrs as well.

I had also had both couples round for dinner .

Took me a while but we are still very close.She stayed with her husband and I think the other marriage is still going although they moved away.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/07/2009 11:26

yanbu

Bakersman · 20/07/2009 11:26

YANBU I would feel the same. I felt a bit wierd when a friends marriage broke up because she had been having an affair and that was not even with someone we knew never mind stealing a friends husband. I would worry she might try to get her claws into my dh next. Obviously would also feel the other friend has been badly wronged not to mention her dh and any dc.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:29

I suspeceted the affair. She told me all about it after it hit the fan and I dont know the other woman or the man.
I just cant bring myself to be like we were and am noticing it in myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:30

I wont and havent openly condemned apart from to tell her how stupid she is, but I dont want to meet up.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 20/07/2009 11:32

YANBU.

she has put you in a an awkward position and it serves her right if she is left out in the cold with nothing but her shame

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:33

oh REALLY?
lord you are harsher than me.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 20/07/2009 11:34

I don't think this is unreasonable although I know too how confusing it is.
When a friend did the same thing ( actually it has happened twice) I just couldn't maintain the friendship although I tried.

I think my friends are usually people with whom I share very basic core beliefs. I don't assume that we agree on everything ( how dull would that be) but I assume that they have a basic honesty about them. To find that I was so off target in that aspect of their character made it impossible for me to readjust IYSWIM.

The killer was when the whole thing came out in the open and she wanted to complain to me about how unreasonable her DH was being and how nasty she became about him. Plus she seemed so self involved that she was apparently oblivious to how hard her DCs were taking it. That was pretty much the end for me.

TheCrackFox · 20/07/2009 11:35

YANBU

My best friend had a series of one night stands throughout her marriage. It really changed my view of her. She was just too gutless to admit her marriage wasn't working. She wanted it all - the safe DH, babies, nice house etc but also wanted the single life. Nobodies happiness, except her own, seemed to have any importance to her.

I also hated lying to her DH.

They are still together but she hasn't changed. I was relieved when they moved away.

OmicronPersei8 · 20/07/2009 11:36

A friend of mine had an affair and it took a long time for me to be ok with her (never with it though). The OM was a friend too, that friendship has stalled little now but he's moved away so that's helped as I don't have to deal with him and I know it's definitely over!

She still lives nearby and in the end I made myself move on and after about a year we were on ok terms again. I still don't know if she fully realises the cost of her affair - it very nearly ruined two very good friendships for me. She worked things out with her DH which is I think why I can be friends with her again.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:37

Yes I wouldnt acutally say " we are not friends" but I find myslef resisting the chance to meet up.

OP posts:
swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 11:37

YABU

It's v small minded.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:38

tell why Swedes.

OP posts:
shootfromthehip · 20/07/2009 11:38

YANBU, I found out that a friend of ours had been cheating on her DH when she finally left him 2 yrs ago. I haven't seen or spoken to her since, that said, her DH was our mate first iykwim.

It's just very sad and totally natural that you feel let down IMO

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:39

I am talking etc but I feel a distance.I have no interest in her soon to be ex H ( adn didnt even like him)or new bloke or the wife - dont know the other couple at all, I think I jsut cant belive the stupidity of it.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 20/07/2009 11:42

it;s a tricky one. i suppose that people do all sorts of things, immoral, unethical, illegal etc.. that they don;t tell us .. it is when you know something like this, you can't ignore it.

my friend's H had an affair, I was friends with both of them. I did not speak to him for almost 6 months after , he left and the marriage broke down.. i can't feel the same about him since. he did something awful, lied, betrayed and let down his wife and family. i don;t think it is small minded to not be able to like someone after that.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:43

I like her deep down; its just adjusting to the shock.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/07/2009 11:47

I can't imagine falling out with any of my close friends over something like this, probably because my sexual conduct has been less than perfect in the past. Lots of otherwise sensible pleasant people lose it a bit where sex is concerned. That just makes them human. I'd feel a judgemental prig if I disowned a close friend over her sexual habits. I'm not religious though, and can imagine someone with strong religious views feeling this was a deal breaker in a friendship.

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 11:47

We're all flawed humans who do stupid things sometimes. Proper friends are there through good and bad times.

junglist1 · 20/07/2009 11:48

It's not small minded to want to associate with decent people. I don't want to have to watch my back in a friendship.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 20/07/2009 11:49

I think we like our friends because of many reasons . . . we like who they are and who we think they are. Like Pagwatch says we tend to be drawn to people who are like us in lots of ways and also we have a level of trust that if something major is going on in a close friends life then we expect (albeit subconsciously) to know about it.

It seems that your friend has been exposed to you as not the person you thought you knew and therefore it is not unreasonable of you to be naffed off with her surely.

Nothing to do with the morals of the situation, she is simply not the person you assumed her to be.

Also she has the morals of an alley cat

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 11:50

junglist1 - Well I probably wouldn't have much in common with someone who thinks the world is so black and white. Are people really categorised as either decent or indecent. I would imagine you'll have v few proper close friends come your 40s.

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