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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it hard to like a friend who has had an affair

67 replies

Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:21

with her mates husband? We are long term mates and she has done this, and I just can't like her any more.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 20/07/2009 11:51

ach, i'd not like it. she's a liar, basically. i'm not drawn to liars. i'd be majorly squicked if my friend did this.

pagwatch · 20/07/2009 11:52

But it is nothing to do with sexual habits! I would quite happily be friends with someone who had all sorts of weird and wonderful habits or was highly promiscuous. Good for them if they are happy.

But struggling with a friend having an affair is nothing to do with sexuality. It is to do with finding their deceit and their selfishness difficult - especially when there are children involved or partners with whom you may also have a relationship or have some sympathy

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:52

Yes Swedes I think you have a point. I am not binning at ALL, am just finding it hard to like her atm.

OP posts:
swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 11:53

Aitch - she's not necessarily a liar. I've known people have an affair and immediately confess.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:54

Just under a year. Kids involved.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 20/07/2009 11:56

is she being truthful to her dh, lou?

champagnesupernova · 20/07/2009 11:57

I would find it hard too tbh.
Good for you for trying.

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:57

OH yes. All was revealed.

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 20/07/2009 11:57

I know what you mean - a friend wants to divorce her dh and whilst I don't think she has been actually unfaithful, think she has contemplated it, which has been the trigger. He is desperate to make things work and she won't try. Trying to be supportive when you are even slightly disapproving is not easy....

Original poster
Lou323 · 20/07/2009 11:58

People always seem to have to have affairs dont they?

OP posts:
brimfull · 20/07/2009 12:00

you will get over the shock
I did
Even though I didn't condone her behaviour I ws still there for her.

GrapefruitMoon · 20/07/2009 12:00

Seems to be getting worse as we all approach mid-life crisis age!

kitsmummy · 20/07/2009 12:00

What's her husband like? A friend of mine had an affair but her husband was a tosser so I wasn't bothered about my friend's affair. She left her husband, is now happily re-married. Another friend had affair, her husband was lovely but had alcohol issues, what she did was wrong but she's my friend first of all and she genuinely is a lovely person. I don't approve of affairs but, generally speaking, I could get over my friend having one.

junglist1 · 20/07/2009 12:02

I have a lot of close friends, some I've had for years. None of them would shag my P behind my back. Life is black and white when it comes to things you know you wouldn't be capable of yourself. I wouldn't do it so want similar people around me.

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 12:03

My ex husband and I were together for almost 20 years and if you'd asked me the year before we split up whether we would grow old together, I would have bet my life on it. Throw in a family bereavement, a house move, a new job, hitting your 40s (or whatever) and you just don't know.

AitchTwoOh · 20/07/2009 12:36

oh well, that's a bit different imo. still yuck, but not quite so deceitful.

brimfull · 20/07/2009 15:28

Is she getting togehter with other man?

I think I would have found it more difficult if my friend left her dh .

We rarely talk about it now -3 yrs on.

When we do we both get really upset still.

She feels so guilty still-so she should .

My trust in her is a bit wobbly now though.I saw her car parked in town at odd time the other day and my immediate thought was 'what's she up to?'

Didn't ask her ,don't know why

ILYM · 20/07/2009 16:32

YANBU
The same has happened to me too -
Friendship comes down to a great deal of trust at the end of the day - Do you feel you can really trust her again?

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 18:00

"Do you think you can really trust her again?" FGS Trust her about what? Trust her to look after your child next time you want a night away with your DH? Trust her to make you laugh? SHe didn't ever swear an oath of sexual fidelity to you. Or perhaps you all think she'll be after your DH? LOL just because a woman has an affair with a man, it doesn't mean she's keen to have an affair with any old man. Really.

TheBIGOne · 20/07/2009 18:01

Im nto saying its rational. I think I almost feel embarassed..

jellybeans · 20/07/2009 18:05

YANBU I would hate it.

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 18:06

I've never had an affair btw.

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 18:08

But an affair looks tempting, if only to weed out the judgmental friends; to separate those friends who love me warts and all and others who'll make tsking noises forever more.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 20/07/2009 18:09

When it comes out and her H finds out you knew, expect to lose him as a friend.

swedesinsunglasses · 20/07/2009 18:09

I can say hand on heart that a man would never come between me and my best friends. Never.