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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My blood is boiling at this thread

515 replies

chaosisawayoflife · 17/07/2009 07:23

Warning: contains link to a website full of selfish bridezillas worrying about how a woman breastfeeding at their wedding will ruin the day for them.
here

OP posts:
sabire · 17/07/2009 16:09

"equating racism to the attitude most people have toward extended breastfeeding (whether you agree with them or not) is not reasonable."

Why is it not reasonable? We're talking about social norms here. If racism is the social norm should we pander to it when it comes to expectations of reasonable behaviour?

"i would think it is reasonable to set things up so that the vast majority of your guests are happy. and even if you think that the vast majority of your guests are insufferable bigots, that's what you have to cater for... "

What - so if your guests were mainly a bunch of homophobic bigots it would be reasonable to ask your gay sister/cousin/friend not to show physical affection to their partner in public at your wedding because they'd be offending people?

harpsichordcarrier · 17/07/2009 16:17

wow, posieparker, that is really quite a strong and unpleasant reaction. "sanctimonious crap" where? who??
obviously a raw nerve has been touched, but there really is no need to be so rude, tbh. your choices are not being criticised, you are not being told that your choices are "gross" and "self-indulgent". If I can carry on being polite in the face of those kind of comments, then I think you could try and be polite too

jellybeans · 17/07/2009 16:19

I would just ignore her ignorance. It wouldn't bother me a jot if someone breastfed an older child. In fact, a friend recently fed her son, aged 4, in the car while we were chatting after school drop off.
I think the whole reason people feel uncomfortable with it is the sexualisation of the breat in 'modern' society. Luckily, many of us can see right through that.

I bf all mine, first one for only 2 weeks, next 3 for 5-6 weeks and am still bf no5 at 8 months. I am sure I will do it till I feel it is right to stop. People already make comments but I don't care, people are so ignorant in many areas that they do not understand.

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 16:31

"i would think it is reasonable to set things up so that the vast majority of your guests are happy. and even if you think that the vast majority of your guests are insufferable bigots, that's what you have to cater for... "

Some of DH's family are racist. Should I have had the black and white minstrels or Bernard Manning as entertainment at my wedding?

CarmenSanDiego · 17/07/2009 16:31

'Grossed out' and 'revolted' - this is so silly, people re grossed out by men with long hair, facial piercings, homosexuals, mixed race couples and any other arbitrary thing they choose to be grossed out by.

So what are guests going to do if they are 'grossed out' by breastfeeding at a wedding, extended or otherwise? Realistically, maybe stare or enjoy having a mutter about it at their table, add it to their list of anecdotes of things to be scandalised by and then get over it. If they take a letter of complaint to the bride or burst into tears or make a big show of things, they're the ones who are behaving in an unacceptable manner at a wedding. Weddings ARE a community event and guests need to swallow their prejudices and just enjoy the day. The bride should do what she feels is /right/ and not be overly concerned what she thinks people could possibly be offended by when realistically they will probably never notice.

The trend for controlling brides is horrible. I just invited everyone I liked for my wedding and let them get on with it. We had a posh buffet and lovely cake but people could seat themselves where they liked. I loved seeing my friends mingle - the vicar and his wife spent the whole reception sat chatting with my mum's lesbian best friend and her girlfriend which was ace. I'd have missed watching some great interactions if I'd been more controlling about who was invited and what they could do. Guests are individuals and will likely behave in their own er.. unique way after a few drinks, no matter how much you spend on fancy napkins and sugared almonds.

sabire · 17/07/2009 16:31

Re: Posieparker..... I think when people's responses are driven primarily by a lack of familiarity, by fear and irrational disgust (as they are with most things where bigotry is concerned - racism, homophobia and yes - natural term breastfeeding)and maybe even a bit of guilt, then there is often a lot of anger involved. It's like you don't want to recognise something ugly in yourself, so you project it outward onto other people.

CarmenSanDiego · 17/07/2009 16:32

Also, no way in hell I would invite 'insufferable bigots' - if we're doing the 'my wedding, my rules' thing, then for heaven's sake just invite people you like!

sabire · 17/07/2009 16:37

Kingrolo - lol at your black and white minstrals.

Reminds me of my honeymoon. DH (who is black) and I went to a hotel in Bath. When we arrived we saw that the lobby of the hotel was being used as the backdrop to the manager's gollywog collection. On close inspection we saw that each gollywog had a plastic sticky label attached to its clothes, carrying the name of a prominent black person. So there was a Winnie Mandela, a Nelson Mandela, a Desmond Tutu.

We wrote and complained afterwards that it had made us feel very uncomfortable, and got a nasty letter back telling us that we were completely unreasonable to take offence at what any normal person would see as a harmless and humorous display of an iconic British toy.

missfitt · 17/07/2009 16:39

"But we have "evolved" away from extended bf"

really? how did we do that? rapid genetic mutation brought on by eating irradiated foods?

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 17/07/2009 16:40

Hey, this bride doesn't want to see another woman's "boob out" at her wedding and I don't blame her. Though, I guess she can perform a striptease at the altar to regain the limelight so all is not lost!

sabire · 17/07/2009 16:43

We haven't evolved away from breastfeeding. The vast majority of women still lactate after giving birth, unless they deny their baby access to the breast.

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 16:43

and dismay at that hotel. Glad you complained, shame about their response.

lagaanisace · 17/07/2009 16:44

I would love to send her a photo I have of DS1 aged 2 on one nipple and DS2 aged 3 months on the other.

sweetss · 17/07/2009 16:51

one has the wedding guests she or he deserves... ;)

if, not the odd ones, but the VAST majority of one's wedding guests are insufferable bigots, then she or he has bigger problems than what we are discussing...

the truth is that luckily there are very few people nowadays who are racist, prejudiced against mixed couples, or homosexuals and the like -- at least you will agree that they are a minority. a bride is entitled to ask the odd ones to bear with her on the wedding day... thankfully the vast majority of our society accepts people and behaviours that used to be frowned upon not too long ago. this does not seem the case with extended breastfeeding. not sure why but it is a fact. I am not saying it is good, or that I would be against a serious effort to educate people about its advantages or about how it's people's rights to do what they like with their bf-ing children, but that it makes the vast majority of people uncomfortable is not something that can be ignored or equated to racism etc.

educating the world at Sarah's wedding seems a bit misplaced to me but - hey everyone is entitled to their own opinion i hope.

missfitt · 17/07/2009 17:00

"the truth is that luckily there are very few people nowadays who are racist, prejudiced against mixed couples, or homosexuals and the like"

really? you actually think so? i wanna move to your planet.

"-- at least you will agree that they are a minority."

nope, sorry

skidoodle · 17/07/2009 17:01

"I doubt she's planning to feed them on the altar wearing a specially adapted tits-out dress and the organ playing 'food glorious food', tuboflard "

PMSL

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 17/07/2009 17:10

Stranger things have happened.

mrsjammi · 17/07/2009 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 17/07/2009 17:25

Letting somebody do something they normally do isn't "making a statement" is it?

Well I guess it's making the statement that you are not a bossy asshole...

nkf · 17/07/2009 17:27

I know this is off the point but I think the avatars on that site are really funny. Meringues and cake dishes.

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 17/07/2009 17:43

No extended breast feeding avatars though-rather discriminatory, really!

skihorse · 17/07/2009 17:51

My breasts as they currently stand (point ?) are magnificent and would up-stage the bride. After 4 years of BF? Not so much I'd imagine!

We do really need a thread about Bridezillas - I've just been reminded of another classic who has informed her guests (via email) where she expects them to buy their clothes for her big day!

sarah1711 · 17/07/2009 17:53

just to make a point now. I Have phoned the venue they are providing a comfortable room with a sofa, Tv and a table of snacks and soft drinks for ALL nursing mothers not just those who believe in EBF. I will pur a note in ALL invites stating this because I really don't want to hurt any ones feelings despite what some of you think?!

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 17:55

That's really thoughtful, sarah

have a great day

sarah1711 · 17/07/2009 17:56

Thanks glad you think its a good idea