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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My blood is boiling at this thread

515 replies

chaosisawayoflife · 17/07/2009 07:23

Warning: contains link to a website full of selfish bridezillas worrying about how a woman breastfeeding at their wedding will ruin the day for them.
here

OP posts:
skidoodle · 17/07/2009 15:19

Your obligations as a host do not extend to making sure your guests are not offended by things that are perfectly normal and inoffensive.

If the majority of people are "grossed" out by "extended" breastfeeding, then the majority of people are bigots.

It is not an attempt at re-education to refuse to pander to their prejudice, it's just a polite refusal to acknowledge their unreasonableness.

Most guests at a wedding would be far too well behaved to make a scene because they saw someone breastfeeding, and if they did, the fault would entirely lie with them and not with either the bride or the breastfeeder.

It really is unspeakably rude to ask a guest to hide themselves at your wedding while they feed their child. I can't for a moment imagine asking anyone I cared about to do that.

And if the child is 4, then they will also know what is being asked and possibly feel ashamed or embarrassed. Who does that to a child? Really? So other people won't feel "uncomfortable"?

OrmIrian · 17/07/2009 15:22

Well as the words 'grossed out', revolted' and 'unneccessary' have been used I think I will have to zone this discussion out. All rational debate being exhausted.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:23

Harpsi and skidoodle, I heart you both

Upwind · 17/07/2009 15:26

I have never encountered a bridezilla - lots of guestzillas on MN though

There have been threads here about people who chew their toddler's food for them. Like extended breastfeeding, it is not strictly important for the child's health, but may have some benefits. Would it be wrong to ask a family member not to do this at a wedding, or other formal event?

sabire · 17/07/2009 15:27

"I don't agree that racism is the same as feeling that BF a 4 year old looks odd"

It looks odd because it's not the social norm in this country, and it's not the social norm because children in the UK are weaned unusually early.

In evolutionary, historical and biological terms it is in no way odd for a four year old to have the occasional breastfeed.

"it is not unreasonable to set social norms and rules with the sensitivy of the vast majority of people in mind"

So if the majority of people are racist and homophobic, then it's fair to pander to these feelings, just because it's the social norm? Or is it more important to acknowledge and accomodate people's human right to conduct their relationships as they wish, as long as they aren't harming others?

posieparker - gay people don't 'need' to hold hands or kiss in front of other people, so would it be reasonable to ask them not to do so at a wedding because it will disturb homophobic guests who find this sort of behaviour yucky and embarrassing? Of course not!

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 17/07/2009 15:28

I think the etiquette for weddings is not to wear or do anything that would upstage the bride as it is HER day.

sabire · 17/07/2009 15:30

How on earth would breastfeeding your child 'upstage the bride'?

That's mad!

MaggieBeBold · 17/07/2009 15:33

I'm happy to be abused, but I see their pov. Breastfeeding to about 1 year, and breastfeed a four year old are two entirely different things.

Extended breastfeeders know that it can make other people feel a bit queasy so, on somebody else's day, that is brought in to sharp focus a bit more.

I fully understand all the health benefits and the impracticality of refusing a child who's used to breastfeeding a feed just because of where you are........... but at the same time........... i see the bridezillas' pov!

posieparkerinChina · 17/07/2009 15:34

But we have evolved away from extended bf and we have evolved toward acceptance of homosexuals. To be fair I don't want to see anyone kissing, gay or straight.

Why would any child need to bf during the day at a wedding? At a year let alone three? My nine month old bf three times a day, morning, after lunch and bedtime (maybe a couple of times a night).

If I were totally honest I think bf a child is about the mother's need to be needed, it's self indulgent and holding on to baby years. In the UK I would like to know when it was acceptable to bf a three year old?

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:35

I doubt she's planning to feed them on the altar wearing a specially adapted tits-out dress and the organ playing 'food glorious food', tuboflard

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 15:36

If feeding a child is likely to upstage the bride then it must be a very, very boring wedding.

MaggieBeBold · 17/07/2009 15:37

Sabire, controversy would upstage a bride.

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 15:39

"To be fair I don't want to see anyone kissing, gay or straight."

What the bloody heck is wrong with kissing?

harpsichordcarrier · 17/07/2009 15:41

Posieparker

If I were totally honest I think bf a child is about the mother's need to be needed, it's self indulgent and holding on to baby years.

I would be really interested to know where you have gathered this opinion, and how many extended bfeeders you have known? I have known many, and in all honesty many of them find feeding an older child to be a demanding pita (see multiple threads on mumsnet) and continue to do it because they think it is best for the child for lots of reasons.

In the UK I would like to know when it was acceptable to bf a three year old?

it is acceptable today, in 2009. Why wouldn't it be? Who deems it "unacceptable", exactly?

But we have "evolved" away from extended bf

what exactly do you mean by evolved in this context? Digestively? Emotionally?

posieparkerinChina · 17/07/2009 15:43

evolved, all of the above.

I mean acceptable by the masses.

I have known about six, I don't spend my life seeking out bf habits of people I meet. I guess if you know many then you must know a certain type of person, as all but one I knew were a 'type'.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/07/2009 15:44

dear lord, it is a little self-obsessed to think that a woman's choice about feeding her child is chosen to be "controversial", surely?
IME, mothers choose to feed in the way that best suits them and their families, without really considering random onlookers or cousins. Surely??

harpsichordcarrier · 17/07/2009 15:50

evolved, all of the above.

so you think that the human digestive system has "evolved" so that bf is no longer beneficial after a year old? is that right?
and, by a process of evolution, there are no longer any emotional benefits to feeding past a certain age either?

I am not sure I understand your point, I would appreciate if you could explain further?

I mean acceptable by the masses.

I would say that the vast majority of people, the masses, really couldn't care less about other people's feeding choices. That they mind their own business and don't make judgments about it. That's my take on it.

I have known about six, I don't spend my life seeking out bf habits of people I meet. I guess if you know many then you must know a certain type of person, as all but one I knew were a 'type'.

I am not at all sure what you mean by a "type"? I presume by "type" you mean a woman who makes her feeding choices for self-indulgent reasons? No, the women I have met don't conform to a "type", they are individuals with disparate and individual reasons for extended bf. The only thing they have in common is extended bf.

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 15:51

saintdobby - now that would be a wedding worth seeing!

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:52

It must be tiring living in fear of doing anything that's not 'acceptable by the masses'.

Or of seeing anyone else do it.

Or seeing people kissing

And, given that several posters have pointed out that extended feeding is commonplace elsewhere in the world, I think that saying it happens less here is a sign we've 'evolved' is

KingRolo · 17/07/2009 15:54

Presumably we'll be fully 'evolved' when we don't breastfeed at all then.

Stretch · 17/07/2009 15:56

Agree with Sabire and Harpsi. Very odd thread.

Am also concerned with the emphasis placed on this 'BIG DAY'. It's a wedding. Seriously. A means to an end if you like.

sweetss · 17/07/2009 15:57

equating racism to the attitude most people have toward extended breastfeeding (whether you agree with them or not) is not reasonable. my sister breastfed her baby at the head table at my wedding, and while the majority of the people did not care I am certain that there were the odd people who thought it inappropriate. my sister and i just ignored the odd people. if my sister's child had been 3 or 4, i am sure that the odd people would have not cared but the vast majority of the guests would have found it odd at least. as the bride, i would think it is reasonable to set things up so that the vast majority of your guests are happy. and even if you think that the vast majority of your guests are insufferable bigots, that's what you have to cater for...

posieparkerinChina · 17/07/2009 16:00

I can't be arsed with sanctimonious crap about extended bf. Babies/toddlers is one thing, three/four year olds is quite different.

Extended bf is more common where food is more scarce.

If most people couldn't give a shit about how people feed then why is there such a negative response about it? Don't bother, I'm hiding the thread.

sabire · 17/07/2009 16:03

Posie - we haven't 'evolved' away from breastfeeding.

The move to mass bottlefeeding is a very recent and radical revolution - one that's nutritionally unprecedented, and largely driven by commercial interests and widespread ignorance.

I've stopped breastfeeding my toddler now, but when I was breastfeeding him he would sometimes 'need' to be breastfed in the way that he would 'need' to be hugged. It was part of the normal way we related to each other.

"I think bf a child is about the mother's need to be needed, it's self indulgent and holding on to baby years"

What's wrong with wanted to be needed as a mother? And why is it self-indugent to allow your child to behave in a biologically normal way? Babies carry on breastfeeding into early childhood - just like all other mammals do, if they're not denied access to the breast by mothers who want to prematurely wean them.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 16:08

Seriously? if you thought your guests were bigotted you'd pander to it?

I'm feeling very confused today.