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AIBU?

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Original poster

My blood is boiling at this thread

515 replies

chaosisawayoflife · 17/07/2009 07:23

Warning: contains link to a website full of selfish bridezillas worrying about how a woman breastfeeding at their wedding will ruin the day for them.
here

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 17/07/2009 13:38

"understand that some people find it revolting "

Well people who find it revolting or are 'grossed out' by it are .er... foolish to put it mildly and should not be encourated in their folly.

As it happens I agree the sarah has been more than reasonable but to make SIL hide away for the reason you have stated is absurd.

sweetss · 17/07/2009 13:48

I just don't think that Sarah's wedding is the right place to educate people about their prejudices. I think that if you are Sarah, you have to recognize that most people do find it revolting (sorry, it's true) and offer a compromise solution for everyone, which she has done -- it's everyone's prerogative to have their own opinion.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 14:03

I was horrible

Sorry, it was unworthy, and it was actually the subsequent posters, not the op who made me that cross

That and pmt

I'm sure you'll have a lovely day, try not to worry about taking care of every aspect, including people's prejudices

Just give 'em food and drink, play some music and be happy and everyone will have a good time

Stayingsunnygirl · 17/07/2009 14:04

Very good point, sweetss. It is not unreasonable for Sarah to want her wedding day to be as comfortable as possible for all concerned, and asking her sil to feed somewhere comfortable and private doesn't seem an unreasonable compromise to me.

If her sil wants to educate people about extended breastfeeding and its benefits, she should do that on her own dime.

To be honest, I'm not sure that being aggressive or confrontational in one's espousal of any cause is going to make other people change their beliefs on a subject - it's more likely to put their backs up and entrench their opinions. Surely subtle and intelligent education is the way to go.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 14:09

Op on the other site, I mean, not chaosisa

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 14:16

On the other hand,

'most people are grossed out by it'

'revolting'

not aggressive or confrontational?

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 14:20

Totally agree sunny. As the daughter of the world's most vocal and bolshie feminist, I've observed time and time again how people usually respond to being harangued/ confronted.

Ie they say the right things so as to end the situation as soon as possible, then think later 'ffs what a nutter'.

I'm firmly in the catching more bees with honey camp, and sadly history etc agrees with me. You can change laws by marching and yelling, but you'll never change entrenched social attitudes.

wilkos · 17/07/2009 14:23

"If her sil wants to educate people about extended breastfeeding and its benefits, she should do that on her own dime"

bloody right stayingsunny.

saint dobby - not you, not me, and not many other people on mn, but MOST people are grossed out by extended breastfeeding. that is a fact.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 14:30

But maybe the SIL's not doing it to educate anyone, maybe, quite rightly, she doesn't give a toss what some ignorant erm, people, think. why do you assume it's for anyone else's benefit?

Maybe she's just feeding and comforting her children. And actually, when I go to a party, or a wedding, or anywhere, it is still my own time.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 14:35

I didn't read the other thread but I understood that the bride had arranged for a room to be available for the SIL, thus solving the issue?

It's the 'after chat' that became heated, and suggested there was a much bigger problem then there is.

I'd say that the bride does give a toss about what her other guests feel, whether they are ignorant or not. It's her wedding day, not an education programme.

It isn't the BF mums problem, but if it causes an issue then it is the bride's - you know, the lady who spent 10k giving her family a celebration of her marriage.

sweetss · 17/07/2009 14:35

Exactly wilkos. It would be a nice world if people were never grossed out by anything other people did and just minded their own business. unfortunately such is not our world. I am sure each of us is grossed out by something that the people who are grossed out by breastfeeding are not...

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 14:39

I'm grossed out by sniffing. Can't bear it. Move seats on the bus to get away from it.

Stayingsunnygirl · 17/07/2009 14:39

Saintdobby - I said she should do the educating on her own dime not time - meaning at an event that she's paying for.

And if she's not doing it obviously and publically to make a point, why not be considerate of the feelings of others and feed in private?

I wouldn't be saying that if it were a young baby, as they often need to feed a lot, so the sil would be missing lots of the fun (plus a baby can breastfeed very discreetly), but I'd assume that these children wouldn't need that much breastmilk, so the sil wouldn't miss out on much.

sabire · 17/07/2009 14:45

Wilkos - there are many many people who are really 'grossed out' by seeing same sex couples holding hands or kissing. 40 years ago there were probably many people who felt the same way about mixed race couples.

Pandering to people's unreasonable cultural prejudices isn't something we'd try and justify in relation to these things, so why is it fair to do it to a mother and her child when they are engaging in an act which is biologically and emotionally healthy and normal?

OrmIrian · 17/07/2009 14:52

What sabire said.

smallorange · 17/07/2009 14:53

i find the 'bridezilla' phenomenon revolting, personally.

this wedding thing seems to give grown women an excuse to behave like a spoiled princess.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 14:58

I'd agree with sabire in virtually any other context but at a wedding where the bride will be put in the middle.

A wedding just isn't the place to challenge people's prejudices imo.

Those 'ignorant people' are guests, not random horrible people who must be challenged.

By all means, the bride can have as much non-traditional stuff as she likes, and sod the complainers. But if the bride is the one trying to keep the peace then stage your demo another day. She's there to get married.

Can I also say are we still discussing a 4 year old? Becuase I agree that in fact most people would at least find the sight of that odd. Whereas I don't think anybody is suggesting a private room for BF a baby.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:00

{grin] thought it was a typo, never heard that before

Too right sabire

i got married last year. The fact that I paid for it wouldn't for one moment make me think I could micromanage the lives and behaviour of my friends and family while they were there.

What a bizarre thought.

My mil can be a bit flirtatious, and I'm blimmin sure it makes some people uncomfortable! However i have too much respect for her (and assume my other friends and relatives manage such situations when I'm not there,) to dream of asking her not to at my wedding.

sabire · 17/07/2009 15:01

MorrisZapp - would it be reasonable for her to ask a mixed race couple not to hold hands at her wedding then, because she knew it would upset all her bigoted relatives?

It's not about 'demonstrating' or 'educating' - it's about people's human right to engage in reasonable, non-offensive behaviour without being harrassed by others who are making unreasonable objections to it.

MorrisZapp · 17/07/2009 15:05

No, I don't extend my acceptance to racists.

I don't agree that racism is the same as feeling that BF a 4 year old looks odd.

Stigaloid · 17/07/2009 15:07

Sarah - hope you have a lovely wedding. If you want to put a final line under this whole saga then say 'sorry no kids other than those involved in wedding party' on the invitation. I think you are being incredibly thoughtful of all invited and hgope your SIL can see this and responds accordingly.

sweetss · 17/07/2009 15:08

sabire point taken, but as we live in a democratic society, it is not unreasonable to set social norms and rules with the sensitivy of the vast majority of people in mind. take nudity for example. some people love being naked in public, some could not give a toss about the nudity of others in public, but it is a fact that the vast majority of people are made uncomfortable by it, that's why there are "public decency laws" and while it is thank god acceptable to wear or not wear what you want in your home or in the company of people who think like you, you will agree that it is not unreasonable to expect people to wear clothes if they go to a wedding...

posieparkerinChina · 17/07/2009 15:13

What is so unreasonable about not wanting to see a woman bf children of 3 & 4 years old? There's no need during the course of a day, it's not common place and frankly unnecessary.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:19

It's not about whether you want to see it, though. Frankly what kind of wedding would it be where you didn't see lots of things you'd really rather not?

harpsichordcarrier · 17/07/2009 15:19

"grossed out" ?? Dear lord, I hadnt realised we were now AdolescentIdiotNet.com
30 years ago, maybe even 20, "most people" were "grossed out" by seeing mentally disabled people in public.
About 15 years ago I represented two people who were prevented from working with the public because they had, respectively, a facial disfigurement and CP.
Many people find marriage between people of different races to be unnatural and revolting, still.

The fact that you share the majority opinion, if the majority opinion is base, ignorant, prejudiced and wrong, does not make you right. It makes you equally base, ignorant, prejudiced and wrong. If the majority of people think bf a baby who is old enough to ask for it is "gross" then they are base, ignorant, prejudiced and wrong.

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