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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...not to want to contribute to DD's friend's expensive birthday present?

52 replies

muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 18:41

DD is in Y7 and will be 12 next week. Several of her friends are also celebrating 12th birthdays around now. She told me the other day that a group of schoolfriends have decided to pitch in £20 each in order to buy one of the girls an expensive (£90 to £100) phone for her birthday. I have said no to this because:

(a) DD doesn't have £20 so I will be expected to pay (as I expect at least some other mums will), and this is double what I normally spend on birthday presents (except for children I really like!).

(b) I have recently ruled out buying the same phone for DD herself as I feel it's too expensive a piece of kit to be carried round by a 12-year-old.

(c) I have very little confidence (based on past experience) in the ability of DD's friends to organise collecting money and purchasing a phone in time for the birthday, especially as school breaks up tomorrow.

DD thinks I'm mean and I realise I'm putting her in an embarrassing position, but I can't believe I'll be the only mum to object.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 16/07/2009 18:42

hold your own. she is Yr7!!!

famishedass · 16/07/2009 18:43

YANBU - 12 year olds should be buying their friends gifts out of their own pocket money. Not asking their parents to pay.

TheProfiteroleThief · 16/07/2009 18:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayorNaze · 16/07/2009 18:43

perhaps it is a conspiracy becasue you said no to buying her the phone...

ByTheSea · 16/07/2009 18:44

If your DD is really set on it, I might contribute what I normally would (£10) and let your DD earn the rest (if you can afford it).

mrsjammi · 16/07/2009 18:44

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belgo · 16/07/2009 18:45

YANBU. for the reasons you say.

mrsmaidamess · 16/07/2009 18:45

£20! I wouldn't do it. Surely becoming a teenager is the 'big' birthday around that time?

Original poster
muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 18:48

MaynorNaze, I would be very worried about your conspiracy theory, except that she doesn't know yet that I haven't bought her the phone. (Mwah hah hah.)

OP posts:
Original poster
muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 18:49

And anyway she's hoping for an iPod touch, poor lamb.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 16/07/2009 18:50

ah

MayorNaze · 16/07/2009 18:50

pronto

crokky · 16/07/2009 18:52

I would give your DD the £20 to contribute (as long as you can afford it) because I wouldn't want my DD to be embarassed or singled out.

It is excessive - there is no need for a child to have a phone like that - my phone is a shitty PAYG that was about £20 in total, but I think I would suck it up anyway for the sake of not embarassing my DD. It's also excessive to spend £20 on someone who isn't her best friend, but still, I think I would just comply.

You surely won't be the only mum to object, but you might be the only one to actually not do it.

mrsjammi · 16/07/2009 18:55

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Morloth · 16/07/2009 18:59

I would maybe give her the 10 and then tell her to use her allowance or whatever to pay in the rest if she wants to.

Original poster
muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 19:00

Mrsjammi, you have shown me the future and given me strength.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 16/07/2009 19:02

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forehead · 16/07/2009 19:04

If you decide to give her the money, i would deduct 2 pounds a week from her pocket money.
She will soon learn about sacrifices that have to be made.

herbietea · 16/07/2009 19:04

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AnnieLobeseder · 16/07/2009 19:05

crokky - I fear that by doing things you're not entirely comfortable with for the sake of your child not being embarassed, you're not really preparing them for real life. Things don't always go the way you would like, sometimes you are singled out, sometimes you don't get what you want. Better to learn these lessons sooner rather than later, or the child is going to find real life in adulthood a rather nasty shock!

DesperateHousewifeToo · 16/07/2009 19:16

Could your dd and her friends not talk to the birthday girl's parent's and negotiate with them that they would make up the shortfall? Then they would all be able to give what they would normally pay for a present.

Otherwise, I would not give the £20 for this. But then my dcs are younger and it might be different once they are older.

It does seem a lovely gesture but I could see it snow-balling expensively.

TotalChaos · 16/07/2009 19:18

yanbu. completely agree with MrsJammi that this could get very silly.

Original poster
muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 19:56

Not sure about the parents as I don't know them well. I think I will talk to DD and say that either she pays half of the £20, or she can just pretend that we've already bought something.

I don't think it is all that different when the children are older - we haven't got any richer!

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 16/07/2009 20:01

I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your DD and point out to her that if they do this, then they will be expected to do it for every girl in the group and that means 6 lots of £20 or whatever.

I bet they haven't even considered that.

I can see it leading to all sorts of horrible fallings out and ill-feeling when the 4th birthday comes along and everyone has got sick of coughing up, but number 4 has shelled out £60....

Silver1 · 19/07/2009 16:59

If friend is that keen on phone-and her parents are more barking mad than you, is it possible that all the girls are about to shed out a load of money on a gift that her parents are getting anyway?
I would mention it to them and see what they say hopefully it'll either be
GOODNESS NO-that's far too expensive a bit of kit for a 12 year old to get from her mates or
Thanks but actually we have already bought her the phone we want her to have.

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