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AIBU?

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Original poster

...not to want to contribute to DD's friend's expensive birthday present?

52 replies

muffinmonster · 16/07/2009 18:41

DD is in Y7 and will be 12 next week. Several of her friends are also celebrating 12th birthdays around now. She told me the other day that a group of schoolfriends have decided to pitch in £20 each in order to buy one of the girls an expensive (£90 to £100) phone for her birthday. I have said no to this because:

(a) DD doesn't have £20 so I will be expected to pay (as I expect at least some other mums will), and this is double what I normally spend on birthday presents (except for children I really like!).

(b) I have recently ruled out buying the same phone for DD herself as I feel it's too expensive a piece of kit to be carried round by a 12-year-old.

(c) I have very little confidence (based on past experience) in the ability of DD's friends to organise collecting money and purchasing a phone in time for the birthday, especially as school breaks up tomorrow.

DD thinks I'm mean and I realise I'm putting her in an embarrassing position, but I can't believe I'll be the only mum to object.

OP posts:
difficultdecision · 19/07/2009 21:10

pets, mobile phones, motorbikes.

things that under 18's should not be allowed to buy for their friends.

Could you not explain that it is a lovely idea and very kind of your DD to want to contribute but quite apart from the cost, it is not an appropriate gift for a 12 year old without her parent's express consent.

cat64 · 19/07/2009 21:18

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GrapefruitMoon · 19/07/2009 21:18

Tell her there's a recession and you are not spending that sort of money. £5 is the going rate here too for classmates and £10 for good friends (might make it a bit more for a very good friend).

lotspot · 20/07/2009 09:47

That's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a birthday present!! When mine were that age it was presents had to be under 10 quid or it just gets silly - and if DD was doing Xmas pressies for friends it was a trip to claires with all that 3 for 2 stuff!

DS and his friends have started this clubbing together for big pressies (eg mini fridge, mp3 player) but I highly doubt they're contributing that much as it comes out their own pocket lol - and this is for 18ths!!!!! No way it would have been done for ages that wernt as 'special'.

One of DDs friends is trying to get her to help organize a suprise 18th for another friend in a few months time - DD told her there was no way she was paying for half the cost of a venue, music, food, decorations etc when DD knows that if she wants a big party like that it'll have to be part of her birthday present from us or just in our garden - parties are expensive and I'm not sure this other girl is aware of quite how much it'd cost!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/07/2009 10:00

yanbu

its a lot to spend and as you said YOU will be paying for it and then will be the same for each girls birthday

speak to the other parents and see what they say/are doing

i would happily put in the normal amount you spend - say £5 and then say to your dd if she wants to add more, she can give from her pocket money/do jobs to earn it

she is old enough to learn about earning/giving/sacrifing etc of her own money

pranma · 20/07/2009 13:22

Please give her the money but make her pay back out of her pocket money.Girls of this age are the worst of all for bitching and bullying and you could be doing your dd a grave disservice.Do let her know how you feel though.

amizzymummy · 20/07/2009 15:38

I would so say if either of my daughters wanted to spend that much on a friend. The going rate in our house is £5 per gift unless a best friend, but as i have twins (11year girls) and they normally get invited to the same parties it always works out at a least £10 for me.

I always say to my girls that its the thought that counts not the amount you spend.

cat64 · 20/07/2009 22:23

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spicemonster · 20/07/2009 22:25

This might be rather old-fashioned of me but I'd be really annoyed if my 12 year old was bought an extremely expensive phone by her friends and would wonder what the hell their parents were thinking of.

piscesmoon · 20/07/2009 22:31

No way! I don't spend that much on nephews and nieces.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/07/2009 22:50

Good god, will someone tell me if this scenario is the norm for today's 12 year olds?!

Bloody hell, I am in for a shock when my two get older. When I was that age, I didn't go running to Mummy for money for MY friends' presents. I used my pocket money. So their presents would be something like a Rimmel lipstick/nail varnish and some Bodyshop bubble bath. Along those lines anyway.....And that's the sort of thing I got when it was my birthday. Which I was thrilled with.

This sounds so old-fashioned but I'm appalled by the grasping nature of today's youth!

at how I sound.

piscesmoon · 20/07/2009 22:54

I only have DSs and they don't do it! Perhaps it is a girly thing.

lilacpink · 20/07/2009 23:00

I spend £4-£6 on my DDs friends' bdays (2-3-4yr olds), I won't be jumping to £20 when she's 11 (would be thinking £8-£12).

HolyScrotum · 20/07/2009 23:05

So - they are wanting to buy a big present for this girl but not, presumably, for your dd but want her to contribute?
I think you need to sit her down and explain a few ground rules of friendships. Get her to see that, rather than this being something she wants to participate in, it's actually taking the piss.

FlorenceDaphne · 20/07/2009 23:28

I'm a Year Seven Form tutor and the girls all buy each other keyrings with kittens on, tiny teddies (Tatty Teddy- the grey one seems to be popular), pencil casees, hair bobbles from Bow Bangles etc. That's in quite a deprived area, but even so! The phone seems totally excessive. Don't do it!

cat64 · 20/07/2009 23:39

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mumeeee · 21/07/2009 12:39

£20 is wat to much for a 12 year old to be spending on her 12 year old friends birthday present. Thhe normal thing around here is to spend about £5 at that age. They might spend £15 to £20 when they are 18 on a best friends presnt but not before then. Also at 12 a mobile phone should be bought by a childs parents not their friends.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 21/07/2009 12:42

£20!!!!Bloody hell!!!!!!

There is no way I would give this amount of money for anyones present, perhaps my DCs birthday and that is it. And I am quite rich by most peoples standards.

Mybox · 21/07/2009 12:44

yanbu - Wonder what this girls parents think of this?

stickylittlefingers · 21/07/2009 12:52

If £10 is what you had envisaged spending, could you suggest that they find a phone for £50 instead (looks at own phone that I spend £30 on and thought I'd gone mad!).

I do agree with the posters about bullying and bitching, but you can't pander to them either.

callalilies · 21/07/2009 12:52

Has she actually asked you for the money? I'd probably be inclined to say to her; it's up to you what you spend your pocket money on, I think it's a silly idea personally, but if you're going to spend £20 for each of your friends you're going to be left with very little pocket money for yourself anyway, are you sure you can afford it?

GetOrfMoiCockroachCluster · 21/07/2009 13:12

It's a stupid idea. And, fwiw, it is not normal. DD is 13 and usually spends about a tenner on her (close) friends, and buys lipgloss, bracelets etc or buys a £10 voucher card for New Look or wherever.

They are too young to be pooling money together to buy a phone. Great concept and everything, but not practical in reality.

PLUS - the girl's parents may not want their dd to have this phone. There are a whole load of things which need to be taken into consideration, not just the whims and excited plans of a bunch of 12 year olds.

I actually strongly disagree with the posters who say to give in as the OP's dd may be bullied/would feel left out. You can't give in to everything that your children want. Who is the parent here?

mummydoc · 21/07/2009 13:33

I don't disagree with the idea, infact as a parent would rather my dd got one decent presnet instead of a load of tat but £20 is a lot and agree would be more worried about hte organising of it... could you get your dd and the other girls round and have a chat and explain that htey will all have to do the same for each birhtdya and suggest that maybe £5 or £10 would be better and then take them shopping to get soem clothes or cd's or somehitng. That way the birthday girl gets a great present, you get to look like super mum and oyur dd will not be left feeling the odd one out.

MorrisZapp · 21/07/2009 15:35

This didn't come up in my own childhood as I got my pocket money and that was it.

I never understood the whole 'parents buying presents' thing, not at 12 anyway.

It's totally unreasonable anyway to buy a kid a phone unless the kid's parents have said it's ok.

Imagine the birthday girl's mum coming on here and complaining that her DD aged only 12 has been bought a phone by her friends.

prettyfly1 · 21/07/2009 16:28

(pretty suddenly wishes she were twelve again)

Jaysus - a hundred quid on a phone - yikes.

Is this girl popular by any chance, cause I tell ya, girls that age think nothing of spoiling the popular one but the favour will NOT be returned for anyone else!!! Thats the point of being the popular one and this smacks of it. No chance. I agree with those who have said, feel free to take it out of your pocket money but you will then be broke for everyone elses birthday.

Nope. Not unreasonable.