Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a funny way of dealing with party invites?

164 replies

Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 22:22

I was recently quite excited to get an email from my SIL that seemed to be inviting my DH and me to a 40th birthday celebration dinner with our mutual group of friends. As most of us now have children we don't get together as couples too often nowadays, so I was really pleased. However, at the end was a sentence saying 'Susy, I'm not inviting you and DH as you are having tea with us, the in-laws and DCs one afternoon instead'. This breaks up our group of mutual friends, and makes me feel that as an in-law I am not fit to be seen in proper adult company. I feel really disappointed and wish that she'd found another way of telling me, instead of humiliating me in front of our friends by adding the note to an e-mail that went to everyone. I'm sure you'll be able to come up with some alternative ideas to help me put this in perspective.

OP posts:
MrsMcCluskey · 15/07/2009 22:38

What a stupid woman

Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 22:38

Thanks LadyGlencoraSnape - that's a very dignified response. Perhaps you should write a book of modern manners for an internet age.

OP posts:
ConnieComplaint · 15/07/2009 22:41

Whatever you do - you have to reply all, because that is the rudest most insensitive thing I have ever heard of

The bitch.

Am hurt for you.

Mintyy · 15/07/2009 22:42

Brilliant LGS .

PS. are you usually MrsSnape or LGP? Confused.

LadyGlencoraSnape · 15/07/2009 22:43

Who are the friends who are going? Are they good friends of both of yours? I would be astonished if I were one of the other recipients of that email.

LadyGlencoraSnape · 15/07/2009 22:44

Sorry Mintyy. I am LGP celebrating HP day! I hope MrsSnape doesn't notice I have temporarily nicked her hubby.

pointydog · 15/07/2009 22:45

Here's an alternative view. Your sil is socially clumsy and perhaps a little jealous that you share friends. Or there are family members she does not to share a boozy night out with.

Either way, she wants her decision to look perfectly reasonable so that no one could quibble with it. She splits her birthday into friends and family celebrations. You were caught in the middle a little so she puts you in the family camp.

She thinks that by being so open to you about who is invited to the friends dinner and who's going to teh family one, she has ironed out any possible ill feeling. However, as she is socially clumsy, she has in fact insultedd you.

Whaddya think?

Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 22:48

There are 4 couples who have known each other for years. I've known everyone for at least 10 years and some of them for over 20 years. I think the worst bit is feeling side-lined, and worrying that next time I see them everyone will be saying what a fab time they had and I'll just be 'ho hum'.

OP posts:
hmc · 15/07/2009 22:48

Pointydog - you have a point. But she is way off the mark and needs educating!

glastocat · 15/07/2009 22:49

What a stupid bitch. I feel your pain. I was similarly uninvited to my SILs hen do by her loudly saying that she wasn't inviting me because she knew I wouldn't be able to get a babysitter. This was after me telling my husband that I'd managed to arrange a babysitter even though I didn't want to go, because I thought it would be better to get off on the right foot with her.

Oh well, I said nothing (just fumed in silence). It a few years down the line, and everyone now knows she's a bitch.

Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 22:50

Pointydog - I think you may be right about the falling between 2 camps. I also think she feels that because we have children DH and I wont be able to come anyway.But I wish she would invite us and let us work out the logistics of bayysitting instead of just excluding us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 22:51

glastocat - crossed messages there re: babysitting. Perhaps we share a SIL?

OP posts:
pointydog · 15/07/2009 22:52

oh yes, she should have invited you but something is obviously stopping her wanting to do that. Other than either jealousy or in-law issues, I can't think what else could be stopping her.

hmc · 15/07/2009 22:55

jealousy ...I thought that...do you have more social graces than her?(snort - probably bloody likely)..get on better with people?

Katisha · 15/07/2009 22:56

Have your (invited) friends said anything to you? What do they make of it?

Greensleeves · 15/07/2009 22:57

I think my pet rabbit might have more social graces than her

carocaro · 15/07/2009 22:57

Stupid Cow. It will be shit anyway!

poorbuthappy · 15/07/2009 22:59

I think that sometimes we are too worried about hurting people who have no qualms about hurting us, so therefore let people who act inappropriately get away with it.

Therefore reply all, pick 1 of the replies already posted.

Perhaps next time she'll think twice.

funnypeculiar · 15/07/2009 23:00

Why not a cheerfully breezy reply, that assumes she'd be delighted to discover you can make the night out?

"Oh, don't leave us with the tea and cakes, such a big celebration is definately worth hiring a babysitter and brushing off our best going out clothes!
We'd love to come to both bits, and celebrate twice over with you - looking forwards to a lovely child-free catch up with everyone at xxx on xxx"

Makes it wound like you've assumed she's not invited you for practical reasons, but you have managed to overcome them. And makes it very, very hard for her to say no.

Assuming you still want to go...

Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 23:00

hmc - the jury might be out about who has more social graces, but I do try and bend of backwards not to hurt people's feelings. As a SAHM, I may not be able to compete with her glamorous lifestyle - but this group are all people I've known for ages and we are pretty accepting of one anothers little foibles by now so it's not like I'd be showing her up in front of important/glamorous work friends.

OP posts:
glastocat · 15/07/2009 23:01

Susy I am her only SIL, I am only sorry there are more out there like her. I must admit I didn't really want to go to the hen night, not really my scene, , but I wanted to go to welcome my new SIL to the coven family.

Maybe she is just being a bit socially awkward, still very rude IMO.

Original poster
Susystayathome · 15/07/2009 23:02

Oooh - have just checked my email and one of the other couples has sent a reply declining her offer in no uncertain terms ... I'll have to investigate.

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/07/2009 23:08

Coo - what did it say??

tearinghairout · 15/07/2009 23:08

Wait a minute, is she cooking? Or is it a restaurant that can only seat a certain number? What I mean is, is there a limit on how many people she can invite? And so is inviting you to a separate do instead?

I once had a friend who was very upset because she hadn't been invited to a birthday dinner. It turned out that a) the dining table seated 8 at a push and she and DH would've made 10, and b) my friend's DH was vegan and the hostess CBA to deal with it, so they were the ones who weren't invited.

bran · 15/07/2009 23:09

If I were one of the friends I would be tempted to invite you to something on that evening instead of your SIL's party. At the very least I would feel awkward about going to the party and would decline either giving your non-invite as the reason or inventing an excuse.

Do you think she might feel that you are more popular with your mutual friends than she is and therefore excluding you would make her more the centre of attention on the night?