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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to resent my Mother teaching my son manners?

138 replies

NewMumof1 · 12/07/2009 14:59

My son has just turned 2 and like any small toddler has a short attention span. When we visit my mother he gets bored and acts up sometimes. Last time he tossed one of her DVDs across the room and she got annoyed and said "Go and pick that up and give it to me please" really sternly. Although he did what he was told and my Mum didn't shout at him or anything, he seemed quite scared. She also insists that he says please and thank-you whenever he asks for anything or else he doesn't get what he wants. I've tried to tell my mother that he's only 2 and doesn't really understand but she insists on "good manners, at least when he's in my house". I know she loves both me and her grandson very much, but am I being unreasonable in being a bit hacked off by this?

OP posts:
Devongirl · 12/07/2009 18:28

YABU, I appreciate having both sets of grandparents in my 2.5year old DS's life and urge them to tell him if he's doing something wrong because they are far too soft on him which makes our job a bit harder when he spends time with them.

I am convinced putting in the hard work at the beginning means that manners will be second nature as they get older.

slowreadingprogress · 12/07/2009 18:48

I certainly agree with teaching them but I think there are more ways than one of teaching manners.

I think that one way is to say 'what do you say?' and not hand something until you get a thank-you - but equally, it's possible to teach by saying thank you TO the child always, and thanking others on their behlaf when they're very little.

I did this with my ds and he picked it all up fine; in fact at school he has since reception year always been reported to have unusually good manners; and I see him politely talking to other kids and getting grunts in reply; I wish he were a bit LESS polite sometimes!

Of course all kids are different and I realise another child might not pick up on these cues and might need more literal spelling out of what's expected; but I do think it's a bit narrow minded if people think you have to 'train' politeness. I hated it when I saw my SIL holding a biscuit above ds head and saying "PLLLEEEEEEEAAAAASE" to him as if she were training a dog.

zeke · 12/07/2009 19:03

YABU!
Of course he can grasp the basics of manners at two - IMO your mum was doing exactly the right thing.

HensMum · 12/07/2009 19:10

YABU. My son is 21 months old and says please and thank you. Ta was one of his first words at around 1 and he's now started saying "kakoo" for thank you and doesn't always need prompting to say it.

I do kind of agree with the OP though that 2 is a little young to be withholding things entirely if they don't say please or thank you. You can't really expect them to be consistent at that age.

mrz · 12/07/2009 19:32

Well done your mother I wish more people took her lead.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/07/2009 19:44

Well my 2.6 ds says please and thank-you now without my ever insisting on it. He has learned by example. Possibly six months ago lots of you on this thread would have thought him terribly rude as he didn't say it then and I didn't insist. I just showed him myself and he picked it up.

I really hate seeing people withholding something from a very young child before they say please or thank you, it reminds me of training a dog.

This is possibly the most constroversial I have ever been on Mumsnet. I do believe in good manners but there is more than one way to teach them.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/07/2009 19:45

controversial even

girlsyearapart · 12/07/2009 19:46

Hi sorry yabu I've got two dds eldest 22 months she is expected to say please and thankyou for things, pick up her things and generally behave in a sociable way! I hate it when her friend (same age) comes over and gets what she wants by shouting 'MORE!' and chucking a wobbler. Better to start manners and expectations of good manners early then hopefully fewer problems later.I think family members should feel that they can discipline all children in their family (grandchildren, nieces, nephews). (within reason obviously!)
However.. when my Mum comes over and sometimes dd1 won't say 'hello grandma' I wish my Mum would leave her alone rather than say 'Hello dd1?? hello? hello?' endlessly...

edam · 12/07/2009 19:49

I think NewMum's been scared off by the overwhelming response of YABU...

giantkatestacks · 12/07/2009 19:49

God its annoying when GPs teach our children things isnt it - I can still remember my sister being so put out when my mother pottytrained her ds

FaintlyMacabre · 12/07/2009 19:50

YABU about the DVD throwing incident.
However, I'm not so sure about the insistence on please and thank you. As I think other posters have mentioned, I don't really like to see things withheld from small children until some appropriate formula of words has been met.

My DS is 20 months and says 'thank you' appropriately perhaps 80% of the time. This is despite no 'training' of any sort, just seeing us saying thank you/thanks. He also uses 'peas' occasionally, though that's a bit more hit and miss. My policy is that a reasonable request made in a non-whiny way will (probably) be granted, an unreasonable request will not be granted no matter how many 'pleases' are tacked onto it.
An example- last weekend, at our village fete were some mini quad bikes for 6-10 year olds. My DS kept up a barrage of 'peas bike, peas ride' but no amount of pleases were going to get him a ride!

funtimewincies · 12/07/2009 19:52

Another YABU, I'm afraid.

  1. Her house, her rules and it was up to one of you to show that throwing other peoples' things isn't OK.
  2. Ds is 2 and says please, thank you, yes please and no thank you. He loves the praise he gets for being 'good mannered'.
  3. He also understands that throwing things, carelessly or in temper, isn't on because things get broken and/or people get hurt. Thrown things are taken away and put on a high shelf until later.

If your mum didn't lose her temper or shout then it sounds like she handled it well and a stern voice isn't at all inappropriate.

I'm genuinely curious as to what age the OP feels it is appropriate to begin making it clear what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour.

plimple · 12/07/2009 19:54

YABU. You're lucky your Mum was good enough to say this is the way it is in her house. If you don't mind your child being rude and throwing things about that's your headache, but don't expect it to be your Mum's.

girlsyearapart · 12/07/2009 19:55

Oh yeah haha to that faintlymacabre.. dd1 also thinks 'please mummy?' will get her things she cannot have but bless her for trying!

Morloth · 12/07/2009 20:03

YABU, he just learned not to throw Gran's things didn't he or she gets pissed off with him, didn't he.

My DS has never ever been allowed to get down from the table in a restaurant that does not specifically cater to children, he does not appear scarred, and at 5 can now be expected to behave properly when we go out. I hate hate hate kids running around restaurants it is stupid/annoying and dangerous and I think their parents are utter morons.

Please and thank you started as soon as he was able to be handed something/hand something over. Kids are not dumb animals.

Morloth · 12/07/2009 20:04

Grammar in above post is shocking.

ray81 · 12/07/2009 20:18

YABU Manners are very important. My dd who is 7 has been saying please, thankyou, your welcome, thankyou for having me, excuse me etc since she was 18 months. I think it is very good that your mother is reinforcing this as it will make your life alot easier. I have the opposite problem with my mother, she is very soft on DD and lets her get away with murder, ran roit, drink fizzy drinks and have lots of sweets, needless to say she doesnt spend an awful lot of time there without me being with her.

The reason most teenagers are like they are is because mostly their parents cannot be bothered with them and did not teach them how to be polite and how to behave. Hopefully when my DD is a teenager she will be an exception to that.

duchesse · 12/07/2009 20:35

YABU. There is no reason for him to wreck your mum's house and for her to put up with it if he is able to understand what she is saying to him. He does understand, clearly, or he would not have picked it up again. There is nothing unreasonable about her asking him to pick up her DVD and hand it back to her. Frankly you should be doing it as well rather than excusing him on the grounds of being only 2.

lizziemun · 12/07/2009 21:13

YABU (but you probaly got that by now).

My DD2 is 22mths and nearly always says 'peas' and 'dankdu' and has done for a while. There is nothing wrong with teaching children good manners or be polite. She also know throwing things is wrong although she hasn't grasped that yet. And yes she is spoken to in a stern voice by whoever see her.

But them I'm bringing my children up the same way as my mum bought up us up.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 22:02

totalchaos. As you know, my two both have autism and didn't speak until 5 & 6 yrs old.

but the op made no mention of such sn and if there is none, then there is no reason the child cannot say please and thankyou.

If they can't talk at all - like mine couldn't, then they can't say please and thankyou. But if they can say other words, they can damn well say those!

flopsyrabbit · 12/07/2009 22:31

Golly this must be a first, an MN thread all in total agreement!

And the op has gone away rather embarrassed perchance.

In Japan they constantly press down on toddlers heads to make them bow, so a please and thank you and reprimand for throwing things is an important cultural tradition.

Imagine the anarchy of Great Spoilt Brattain without it.

bronze · 12/07/2009 22:37

giantkatestacks can I borrow your Mother?

thumbwitch · 12/07/2009 22:44

Yep, another YABU.
My DS is 19mo and can say Please (or pease) and understands perfectly why and when he should - to the extent of not wanting to sometimes and stropping if he is forced to before he gets whatever it is he's after.

I am embarrassed myself that I haven't got him into saying thank you yet - we're still working on that one. His speech is still very limited and Thank You doesn't seem to register (it has no 'b', 'p', 'd' or 'z' sounds, about the only ones DS can do well at the mo!)

If my mum was still alive I would expect her to be taking part in helping DS to learn manners.

QueenofSpleen · 12/07/2009 22:53

YABU .. and you know it

katiestar · 12/07/2009 22:58

I think she was quite right to use a stern tone if he is throwing DVDs about-how else is he going to know it's wrong ?