... to resent my Mother teaching my son manners?

[NewMumof1]

My son has just turned 2 and like any small toddler has a short attention span. When we visit my mother he gets bored and acts up sometimes. Last time he tossed one of her DVDs across the room and she got annoyed and said "Go and pick that up and give it to me please" really sternly. Although he did what he was told and my Mum didn't shout at him or anything, he seemed quite scared. She also insists that he says please and thank-you whenever he asks for anything or else he doesn't get what he wants. I've tried to tell my mother that he's only 2 and doesn't really understand but she insists on "good manners, at least when he's in my house". I know she loves both me and her grandson very much, but am I being unreasonable in being a bit hacked off by this?

um not if they are a very late talker or have SN relating to language/social communication Hecate....

encouraging please and thank you and a firm no to potentially destructive behaviour are fine in my book. I'ld be less comfortable about the withholding items at 2.

Having the same expectations of a four year old as you would an adult is extreme. I'm glad for your children that you accept that it isn't the end of the world if they don't cope with your expecations, however, my father literally expected her to behave in the same way as an adult during a 3 course meal, white tableclothes, sommelier type restaurant in france.

typos galore, sorry.

Hecates - I was replying to Twims and Weegie who said that a one yo should be saying please and thank you.

coppola I feel your pain. I think the expectation of children to 'stay at the table' beyond their natural willingness is so hugely out of kilter with what their needs/enthusiasms are. Yet in my DSs early years I seemed to be in so many situations where I was told it was 'good for him' to learn to do just that. Such tosh! He can learn to do that when he's old enough to enjoy the social interraction that comes with it. But when he's 3/4/5 he just wants to be a kid.

Why weren't you asking him to pick up the dvd?!

Then you could have used a voice you were happy with.

Or perhaps you would have left it there?

Or cuddled him saying 'bad shouting grandma' or 'that dvd must have upset you so you were justified in lobbing it, here gissa kiss'?

Or worse, picked it up for him and in so reinforcing that when toddlers get stroppy and chuck things their mummies or (any woman really)will follow on behind and pick up after him?

I love it when little toddlers say 'peas' and 'tantu' and 'sowweee' because they are never too young to learn and love the praise and cuddles that goes with it

When are you going to teach him manners if not from the off?

I think your mother is being perfectly sensible.

Dont you think thought that at 4/5 there are sopme restaurants where its not acceptable to let your children run riot at the expense of other diners? And Im not talking about posh places, even Nandos or Frankie and Bennys etc, I expect my 4 year old to sit and eat his meal, a restaurant is not a place to run round. Admittedly, at 2 and 3 tis difficult to reason with them.
Ds is quite capable of sitting for an hour to eat a meal with the family or friends or whatever

YABU

you are being hugely unreasonable.
If you want your child to become acceptable to others then it is your job to ensure he has respect for others and their belongings-especially their grandparents?
what had you planned to do if your mother hadn't intervened?
If she had smacked the child then ywouldnbu but stern voice? you are being silly and not thinking of the bigger picture here.

YABU

Ok my dd couldnt even say thank you at two but as soon as it is possible they should be taught. I'm finding getting things to stick harder but I would also be grateful for reinforcement so would appreciate someone else insisting on it with them.
I think your mums reaction was fine.

moss the levels of behaviour my df was expecting were such that not running around the restaurant was absolutely not the issue.

Isn't the not letting kids run riot in a restaurant a MN Classic. I seem to remember a huge thread on it not that long ago

Proving your mum wasn't really horrible, I think this is just something you have to live with. This is what grannies are for, isn't it? The whole deal is that they love our children more than anyone else except the parents, they spoil them, they go out of their way for them, they are always there to provide support to us... In return for which, they get rights accorded to no-one else to disipline our children, subvert our rules, and criticise our lax parenting methods to anyone who will listen.

That's my deal with my mum, anyway

Of course, whether you are BU or not really comes down to what your relationship with your mum is about, and what it has been like in the months running up to this incident.

Obviously, I meant 'providing' not 'proving'...

this was the age i insisted my ds use manners i did try and start from younger basics such as please AND THANK YOU BUT I WOULD MOST CERTAINLY MAKE HIM PICK UP AFTER HIMSELF ACTIONS AND CONSEQUENCES sorry havent time to re write that dealing with ds

coppolla, was not aimed at you but at roundwindow post. I totally agree that there are restaurants that are simply not for children, and people who take them to super posh eateries expecting them to sit through 6 courses in silence are just asking for trouble.
But there are parents who take their little darlings out and leave them to throw food/scream/run round etc 'because theyre kids' IMHO is not acceptable

So your mum didn't shout or tell him off she, very reasonable, told him to go get something that he had thrown across the room?
The only problem I can see if that you didn't deal with the bad behaviour yourself but let your mum deal with it and then criticised her. YABU.

At 2, unless he has a SN, he can understand what please and thank you are if you teach him.

ah, gotcha

Without being there and hearing the actual tone it's hard to know whether your mum was too stern or not. In my experience grandparents are fantastically useful for things like this as small children do react differently to them.

I said please and thank you to my children right from the start. I don't force the issue but I expected them to use please and thank you from when they could talk.

Your mum's right to be annoyed when he chucks her DVDs, and I think it can help children to know something's "wrong" or "not allowed" if you show some emotion. Not making a big deal so it's an interesting reaction, but showing you don't like something. At two he should know that DVD chucking isn't on anyway. She's right to ask him to pick it up.

YABU

YABU. Two year olds should be able to pick up after themselves, say 'please' and 'thankyou' and understand that throwing things across the room (unless in a game) is not appropriate.

How did he seem scared?

Those expectations do sound over the top, coppola. I think my idea of adult time in a restaurant sits in between mosschops description of chaos and your father's delusions

I forgot to respond to the OP in my earlier post.

YABU. Especially as you should either have dealt with it before your mother stepped in or backed her up.

mosschops: I agree with you! I wouldn't dream of spoiling any other diners' experience by letting my kids run around a restaurant.... that's why I didn't take them until they were old enough that the benefits of nice food outweighed the tedium of having to stay still for that long. What I wouldn't do is expect them to stay still sat at a table when they were too young to really care where they were or what they were eating.

Hester: I like the way you put that about gps... it's the way I deal with my mum as well