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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my children are excluded from this event?

67 replies

FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 10:17

Family member has invited other family members to a meal at a restaurant.

DH and I are invited but not DC (aged 4 & 2, and very used to restaurants, have good table manners).

I then found out that the other children in the family are invited 'because they are a bit older' (aged 12 and 10, 10 year old has slight SN and worse table manners than my children).

This meal has been booked for 6.30pm so that 'its not too late for the children'.

This makes it hard for us to get a babysitter as theres not many people that we'd be happy to do the actual putting to bed rather than them coming a bit later when DCs are already in bed iyswim.

It also seems a bit odd to go out so early, without DC - it won't be an 'adult' occasion so I just don't see why our DC are not invited. And I feel a bit peed off about the whole thing.

Grrrr.

OP posts:
oranges · 09/07/2009 10:18

well do you have to go?
I can see why they don't mind older children there and don't want toddlers to be honest, and they can hardly exclude one 10 year old with SN and invite the other!
But if its too much hassle for you, just stay away.

JesuslovesCatholicSchools · 09/07/2009 10:20

if it kinda offends your sense of whats right - don't go.

harpsichordcarrier · 09/07/2009 10:21

have they specifically not invited the children?
I would, personally, phone or email and say that it is difficult to get childcare for that time of day and so you will either bring the children or not go
leave the decision to them

MoonchildNo6 · 09/07/2009 10:21

YABabitU I think there is a big difference to bringing a 12yo to restaurant and a 2yo.

I do agree about the time though, no-one ever wants to put other peoples children to bed. Can you put them to bed and turn up a bit late or maybe ask them to move the time to a bit later?

kathyis6incheshigh · 09/07/2009 10:21

I think you just have to explain the situation and that either you can't go or you'd have to bring dcs. It may simply be because the person organising it jumped to conclusions based on other children they know of that age who would not be ok with it.

MadameCastafiore · 09/07/2009 10:22

Ring them up and say 'Is it ok if the children come, it's not past their bedtime and we can;t find a babysitter?'

Then if they say no they are being unreasonable, they may say yes though.

Better to be upfront rather than sit stewing about something like this.

Original poster
FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 10:28

They have definatively said that my DC are not invited, but they won't have it any later because it will then be too late for the older DC.

I have said that we can't get a babysitter for that time and so we won't be going. I just feel a bit rejected I suppose ('hey, do you want to come to this do that we have organised in a way that we know makes it impossible for you to come?')and I just wondered if I was being touchy.

OP posts:
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 09/07/2009 10:30

"(aged 12 and 10, 10 year old has slight SN and worse table manners than my children)." Nice!

Sorry, YABU my DD is nearly 4, we eat out alot and she has great table manners. However, whenever she is with us, the meal is not an adult meal as she wants and needs attention, you can't expect children that age just to sit and say nothing, so it rather directs the conversation to a child orientated meal.

Either get a babysitter or don't go - as to the lad with the SN, i think its nice he is being included in a grown up event - would be awful for him if he were to be excluded. Your children wont be small forever, you need to get over yourself a bit really.

I was sad when my DD wasn't invited to a friends wedding, had a no children policy - we really couldnt get a babysitter, much for the reasons you describe, because someone either has to come when DD in bed or we have to be home early enough to put her up. I apologised to my friend for not being able to go, and wished for her a great day.

I think you are upset for yourself and not your children, most younsters would find this sort of event excruciating.

sleeplessinstretford · 09/07/2009 10:39

i can only imagine that a four and two year old would be devastated at being left out of a stuffy,sit down and be quiet and wait for your dinner event.
Get over it,ten year olds (whether sn or not) are a very different kettle of fish from babies (which is what yours are) don't put the organiser on the spot,just don't go,and accept that not everyone is as devoted to your kids (however lovely they may be) as you are.

Original poster
FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 11:16

Thanks, I will try and let this go....

To clarify, I never meant that having SN should = not being invited, I just included that to show that my children can't have been excluded due to their table manners.

It was never a formal stuffy meal, just a dozen or so people having a pizza at 6.30pm.

OP posts:
TheChilliMooseOfDoom · 09/07/2009 11:32

YANBU. I wouldn't go either if I were you.

LadyOfWaffle · 09/07/2009 11:38

YANBU Family meal indeed!

vjg13 · 09/07/2009 11:41

YABU and very precious about your own kids.
I think you were lucky to get an invite yourself with the delightful comment "10 year old has slight SN and worse table manners than my children". LOVELY

Original poster
FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 11:50

vjg13, please read clarification in my previous post. I was not being mean re. 10 year old.

OP posts:
gorionine · 09/07/2009 11:56

YANBU, I would not go either, it is a pizza with your family and supposidely your DCs are part of the family too!

EyeballsintheSky · 09/07/2009 12:04

I hate people who split the family like this. Luckily neither side of my family would dream of doing it. Either have it late and no children or early and all comers. YAdefinitelyNBU

cat64 · 09/07/2009 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shouldbeironing · 09/07/2009 12:34

In this situation, probably one of us would go - depending which side of the family it is (assuming it isnt too far away and that you havent any other particular plans).

gigglinggoblin · 09/07/2009 12:35

Fimble I hav a 10 yo with SN and I dont find anything offensive in what you said. My 10yo has worse table manners than my 2 and 5 year old and it is easier taking the little ones to a restaurant than him. The people who have picked you up on it are being daft and rather offensive themselves imo, ignore them.

My family did this to me at my grans birthday and I am still offended. That was an adult only but theey made it at a time when I couldnt go due to lack of sitters. I told my mum I thought it was really off that I was the only one they hadnt consulted about the time despite me being the only one who could have problems. In the knowledge she would have a few drinks and pass it on I then went out with my gran another time and didnt invite any of them.

ChopsTheDuck · 09/07/2009 12:45

I don't agree with the posts saying that the younger ones would find it boring. My younger ones LOVE restaurants and I don't think YABU to be peeved.

It should either be a family event, or an adult event, especially as the children are used to restaurants and not likely to misbehave.

I wouldn't go.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 12:48

Someone else has posted this exact same problem. Maybe do a search for more advice..

MorrisZapp · 09/07/2009 12:52

Have I understood this correctly. You want to take your 2 and 4 year old to a restaurant meal at a time when they would normally be going to bed.

Isn't it going to be difficult/ impossible to keep them happy in a restaurant at that time if that's their normal bedtime?

Toddlers and 10 year olds are not the same imo. Sorry but my view is that if you have small kids then you can't do all the things you could do if you didn't have small kids, that's part of the deal. It's tiring to have to bend adult arrangements around the needs of other people's children.

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 09/07/2009 12:59

I can understand that your family member wanted a more adult meal, but it would have been better to have just had it later with no children at all, to save offending anyone.

YANBU, but looking at it from another perspective, some dc age 2 and 4 go to bed at 6.30p.m, so perhaps they are thinking it's too late for them, but not for the older ones?

Original poster
FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 13:05

MorrisZapp, no it isn't at their bedtime - its 6.30pm. They reguarly eat/go out/etc at this sort of time and the person arranging this meal knows that, and knows them well enough to know they wouldn't spoil the meal or whatever.

Particular thanks to gigglinggoblin, I was relieved to see your post.

OP posts:
newgirl · 09/07/2009 13:05

i think what is a shame is that they arent doing a family lunch/picnic that all can go to

but they arent, so there isnt much you can do on this occasion - i think best not to take your little ones anwyay - mine at that age would be bored very quickly