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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my children are excluded from this event?

67 replies

FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 10:17

Family member has invited other family members to a meal at a restaurant.

DH and I are invited but not DC (aged 4 & 2, and very used to restaurants, have good table manners).

I then found out that the other children in the family are invited 'because they are a bit older' (aged 12 and 10, 10 year old has slight SN and worse table manners than my children).

This meal has been booked for 6.30pm so that 'its not too late for the children'.

This makes it hard for us to get a babysitter as theres not many people that we'd be happy to do the actual putting to bed rather than them coming a bit later when DCs are already in bed iyswim.

It also seems a bit odd to go out so early, without DC - it won't be an 'adult' occasion so I just don't see why our DC are not invited. And I feel a bit peed off about the whole thing.

Grrrr.

OP posts:

AuntieMaggie · 09/07/2009 13:06

If you don't want to go or can't find a babysitter then don't go but don't take it too seriously - life is too short to be put out because people want to have a meal without toddlers around.

MorrisZapp · 09/07/2009 13:43

Newgirl, why should people have to forego pizza in the evening with their family becuase they are related to toddlers?

Surely there is time in the world for people to have all sorts of family occasions, from pizza to picnics to smart meals.

In my family we too have this 'all or nothing' attitude and it means that we miss out on the type of meals that would suit some but not others, not just becuase of kids but veggie/ budget/ time issues etc.

I think it would be great if we could chill out and just do what suits each of us at any time, without feeling guilty that so and so can't join in becuase of x reason and so cancelling the whole thing.

It just means that when we do meet up it's a huge rammy with 'lowest common denominator' food, and nobody gets real quality time with anybody. Sorry, I've gone off on one about my own family!

nkf · 09/07/2009 13:48

I think pizza at 6.30pm is a children's meal. Why would a group of adults choose it for themselves? But it's done and you won't feel any better stewing over it.

hmc · 09/07/2009 13:52

YANBU - don't see how they can presume on your behalf that the meal arrangements are unsuitable for your children...and since, if your 2 and 4 year olds kick off it will be you removing them from the table, keeping them occupied etc and you don't expect them to field any aggravation, what's it to them?!?

hmc · 09/07/2009 13:54

And I think you should tell family member that you are mildly pissed off. Not because you want a great big barny, but because it is better imo to discuss these imagined or real grievances so that they can be resolved, rather than brooding on them for weeks and months and letting it affect the quality of your ongoing relationship...

sayithowitis · 09/07/2009 14:29

Pizza at 6.30pm is not an adult mealtime IMO. If it is going to be in one of the well known pizza chains, there will undoubtedly be several children of a similar age at other tables. And, probably several who are running around the restaurant. Personally, if it is a 'family' do, I would expect all the family to be included, whatever their ages. It is different if it is later in the evening or at a more select venue. But Pizza! It's not like it's tea at the Ritz is it!

I would have to tell the organiser exactly why I wasn't going. And I am afraid I would then arrange to take my kids to the same place at the same time, just on another table and let the organiser feel guilty for excluding my kids from their event!

YorkshireRose · 09/07/2009 14:50

Great idea, sayithowitis!

OP, please do this and report back!

By the way OP, YANBU as this is supposed to be a family event. Have regularly taken my DCs out with family to similar venues at similar times from them being babies and everyone always had a lovely time. As has been said YOU are the ones dealing with any fractiousness and, if it comes to it, you can always simply take them home if they get too tired.

Karam · 09/07/2009 16:05

Sorry, but I think YABU.

Your standards of what makes good behaviour in a two and a four year old might well be very different to theirs! Have you thought that the other family members might not find your children's behaviour acceptable?

Its not personal, but I have a single brother - who finds my children (2 and 5) very stressful. Even when they are on their best behaviour (by my standards, and they have good table manners - they know to push the spoon away from them, not towards them and so on...) but he still finds normal 5 and 2 year old behaviour infuriating. But then he would, because he is a single bloke and he has different standards.

I think parents sometimes get so wrapped up in their kids that they can't ever see things from other people's perspectives. What might be cute in your eyes may not be cute to someone else. There are times and places when it is okay to take children and times and places when it is not. It is not about excluding the children per se, it is about what is appropriate.

And for the record, yes I do go out for curries with family members without the children (whilst being well behaved, their behaviour is not good by 'adult' standards... but we also do family events for the children, where my brother won't come because he is not interested in going (like a picnic to a big play park for example, child focussed events), and then other times when everyone will get together (restaurant with play area / soft play attached). Not all events are suitable for all people. I think we need to remember that and accept it. It doesn't mean that your children are not loved or welcome generally, just that this event is not considered to be appropriate.

thirtysomething · 09/07/2009 16:19

I don't think YABU...if it was a formal, posh restaurant occasion at 8pm then yes, it wouldn't be suitable for DCs of that age but this does seem very exclusive....I have an 11 year old who would certainly want to be included in the conversation at this kind of meal - so in that sense no different to a 2 year old reminding you they are there...therefore if we take the kids with us to family meals we know that it won't just be adult conversation.

I don't think people should discriminate against children on grounds of age etc for these kinds of family gatherings so I definitely think they are out of order...the occasion and venue just don't seem to merit the hurt and upset it is all causing - someone has miscalculated here and I think they're actually being quite hurtful towards your kids as they are indeed part of the family.

etchasketch · 09/07/2009 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintmaybe · 09/07/2009 16:37

Maybe they want to spend the time 'with' the older kids in a way that's hard when there are littlies there?

Like you can have lots of friends, but you don't necessarilly want to see them all at the same time because you don't actually get to speak with anyone properly then?

piscesmoon · 09/07/2009 16:40

YABU. With DCs that age you have to concentrate on them if you want them to behave nicely-it is very boring for them.
It is much nicer for them to be in their own home, having fun with a babysitter.

YorkshireRose · 09/07/2009 17:07

Marmaduke & Pisces - OP has said that she cannot find a babysitter who is willing to start that early (meal is set for 6:30pm so babysitter would have to start about 6pm)

I myself have found this difficult as most babysitters aren't available until 7pm.

So her only option is not to go.

Original poster

FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 17:23

saintmaybe, I see your point, but why bother inviting me and DH then? Why invite one and a half families - why not have just the older kids family there and see my family another time?

Meal is approx 30-40 minutes from home so babysitter would have to arrive around 5.30pm realistically, and we just don't have that sort of babysitter.

OP posts:

nkf · 09/07/2009 17:51

I agree that given the time and the venue, it's odd that your little ones aren't invited. Is it possible (I mean this in the kindest possibe way) they an be a bit of a handful at mealtimes. Not to their parents but to other people. I think someone else said it too - we can all be a bit blind where our own children are concerned.

saintmaybe · 09/07/2009 18:01

Because they/ the children would like to see you? Or they think you don't get much 'quality' time with the older ones when you have to see to your tinies? Did you used to see them much before your own dcs were born and they miss the chance to chat to their auntie (?)

Obviously I have no idea, they might equally be being bloody-minded. but my idea's nicer.

cornsilk · 09/07/2009 18:04

There's a big difference between a 4 year old and a 10 year old. The comment about the SN child is mean.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2009 18:09

whats the meal for? any occasion or just a meal to get together - does seem a weird time

personally i wouldnt want my 2 and 4 to eat a meal/be in resturant AT 6,30 - unlikely to eat till after 7 and then be grumpy/in bed late/sore tummy etc

behaviour of 2/4 and 10/12 is very different

cory · 09/07/2009 21:34

perhaps they want a conversation geared around more grown-up things? with my 12yo and to some extent with my 9yo I can have a grownup conversation about things that interest us all; I can't do that with my 5yo nephew however lovely he is; he needs to have pretty well constant attention and you can't discuss the latest news items with him.

When we all stay with my parents in the summer, we tend to have an older children's table and a little children's table: I quite enjoy sitting on the little children's table, but my brother and SIL often sit with my dd at the big table, because it's the only way they can get to know her; if the little ones are there the conversation will have to be on their level and they won't get to know the older children in the same way.

canttouchthis · 09/07/2009 21:44

I would JUMP at the chance to get out without my toddler! but also realise babysitting for some isn't going to be easy, so I'd (in your situation) not bother going, too much hassle.
YABU though, see it from your other family members point of view. toddlers are hard work compared to a 10yo.

canttouchthis · 09/07/2009 21:48

Karam is going along the same lines I'm trying to point out aswell. Just because you think your kids are fine at a meal with other family members, doesn't mean that they feel it's okay to have toddlers there. for some, they just want a meal in peace and quiet without added stress of young children being there. don't take it the wrong way, and they probably want you and your partner to have a break away from the kids. more benefits to you really!

motherpi · 09/07/2009 22:11

Yes, YABU.

If the orgainsier has said that it's no toddlers then either accept it or don't go.

MorrisZapp put it perfectly
"I think it would be great if we could chill out and just do what suits each of us at any time, without feeling guilty that so and so can't join in becuase of x reason and so cancelling the whole thing.

It just means that when we do meet up it's a huge rammy with 'lowest common denominator' food, and nobody gets real quality time with anybody."

And whatever your justification, the SN comment was below the belt.

Heated · 09/07/2009 22:17

lol at going for a meal at the same place at the same time

piscesmoon · 09/07/2009 22:20

I agree that the timing is difficult-why not ask if you can do it later and get the DCs to bed first?

mellifluouscauliflower · 09/07/2009 22:30

If it's your inlaws, you could babysit and let your husband go. Then he owes you a night out and I am sure you can think of something more interesting than go out with the in-laws!

Vice-versa if it's your family. Life's too short to let this small stuff get to you, Make it work for you!

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