To be upset that my children are excluded from this event?

[FimbleHobbs]

Family member has invited other family members to a meal at a restaurant.

DH and I are invited but not DC (aged 4 & 2, and very used to restaurants, have good table manners).

I then found out that the other children in the family are invited 'because they are a bit older' (aged 12 and 10, 10 year old has slight SN and worse table manners than my children).

This meal has been booked for 6.30pm so that 'its not too late for the children'.

This makes it hard for us to get a babysitter as theres not many people that we'd be happy to do the actual putting to bed rather than them coming a bit later when DCs are already in bed iyswim.

It also seems a bit odd to go out so early, without DC - it won't be an 'adult' occasion so I just don't see why our DC are not invited. And I feel a bit peed off about the whole thing.

Grrrr.

I was extremely tolerant of young children in restaurants - til I no longer had young children and realised that actually, no matter how well behaved they are, they do have a tendency to take over. Those that are well behaved and cute take over just as much because attention tends to be diverted towards them. So your family members are not necessarily being disapproving of your children. There IS a huge difference between 12 & 10 year olds and 4&2 year olds. So your choice is to find a compromise (join up with them later after your children have gone to bed) or politely decline and perhaps arrange a toddler-friendly evening another time when you're doing the inviting and can call the shots

YABU to think others know exactly what babysitting arrangements you may or may not be able to put in place or that they chose the time just to piss you off. Maybe they want to be the centre of attention themselves rather than a pair of children.

I am very tolerant of toddlers in all sorts of situations. But you can't exactly discuss the Peasants' Revolt with them. Or Michael Jackson's funeral. lilo puts her finger on it: however well behaved, they will divert all the attention by the mere fact of their cuteness.

I still think most of you are making excuses for very mean behaviour. I have a large family, a close gathering would mean 25 on one side and 30 on the other. Never ever in all my 37 years has anything taken place at any time and any location that everyone wasn't invited to and that has included several teas at the Ritz . Children are treated like irritants in this country and I'm glad my family buck the trend. If my lot tried this sort of trick they'd be well and truly sat on. Very mean behaviour IMO.

I remember when I was an au pair in Italy (9yo girl and twin 22mo boys) we all went out for a family get together in the evening - all the children came too. The boys were very well behaved; the family saw them often enough not to get all gooey over them; and they were up until gone 11pm. This is apparently NORMAL in Italy.

I think YANBU - perhaps the older DC would like to see their young cousins as well, hmm?

And I am also glad gigglinggoblin came along - perhaps more people should read her post.

Of course YANBU to be upset, what upsets you is up to you, but YABU to think that people want to go to a restaurant with a 2 year old unless they have one themselves

How can pizza at 6.30 be described by ANY stretch of the imagination as a "grown-up meal"????????

I have had years of going out for meals with toddlers. Now that I am long past that stage I would refer to have them tucked up in bed when it is an adult type thing and be able to have the full attention of the parents.

It is also nicer for the older DCs to be treated as such and have some difference made between themselves and a two year old.I can still remember feeling very special at 10 yrs when my parents took me out in the evening and left my younger brothers with a babysitter.

But it's pizza at 6.30!

I agree that it is strange timing and venue!
I would talk to them about it.

I still think it may be to get an opportunity to talk to the older children. Not a strange time or venue for that.

It might be a nice Italian restaurant that does pizzas amongst other things though rather than pizzahut.
I'd just say you can't get a babysitter and the 1 of you whose side of the family it is go if you want to.
Agree preschool children monopolise attention and won't sit quietly but have to be constantly entertained even well behaved ones. I'll happily take my older kids out but restaurants with them when small was more of an ordeal than a pleasure.
I wouldn't get upset about it. Just go or don't go, I'm sure they didn't mean to offend you. If they never have gatherings that are small kid friendly then I'd be annoyed.

It must be my half Italian side. I can't imagine why anyone would plan a meal for 6.30 if it wasn't to accommodate very little ones. Don't 10-11-12 year olds eat dinner at a normal time?

I think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't invite preschoolers to a restaurant at 6.30 p.m. I think those doing the inviting are being unreasonable to invite parents of young children to an event at such an inconvienent time.

It is strange, imo, to not invite the younger kids. It's great for them to learn that family meals are just that - for everyone. I don't think I'd ever exclude older children over younger. What a pity.

It's not a formal, adult occasion either, so I think it's a bit odd. And daft to exclude the younger ones particularly at such an early hour too.

Having smaller children doesn't mean you have to miss out at all - it just means that if people would like to see you, they too have to accept that your circumstances are not as flexible as they used to be.

But I wouldn't be at all offended by it as it's someone else's 'party' so to speak - I would just find it tricky to sort out a baby sitter, as you say, Fimble.

If you can go, great, if you can't well, I'm sure the family member will understand. If they don't understand, then that's their problem.

Hope it all works out.