...to think that a 5 year old (or her parents) should be able to be a bit flexible with mealtimes?

[pigswithfludontfly]

A close friend's dd HAS to have lunch at 12. I invited them over and suggested 1pm and that was apparently too late for her to eat. This has happened a few times and it makes meeting up tricky although it isn't the biggest issue in the world (but hey that's what AIBU is for!)

I used to be a bit like this when ds was a baby but the little girl is five.
If ds is having lunch a bit later than normal I just give him a snack to tide him over.

The little girl concerned does get up very early and the mum's reasoning is this is why she needs lunch early.

But surely by this age, it's normal to have a bit of flexibility? AIBU or a bit mean???

[Sarraburd]

*Most children can be flexible; but I guess this girl isn't used to it!

In general, I'd say YANBU...though you say you tried compromising at 12.30 and it "didn't work"? Interested to know what happened - meltdown?? In which case I guess maybe your friend might have a point... but has she ever tried giving her DC a snack earlier...? I do this regularly if it's going to be a bit later and I think they won't be able to wait eg when we go to my mother's - she's incapable of getting sunday lunch on the table before 2.30!

You've clearly already also tried talking to your friend since your friend says it's the same as you not wanting to eat earlier...

Other options:

• when work allows, feed the kids first and then eat later yourselves (I do this with similar friend)
• this time, make it clear that unfortanately due to your work it simply can't be earlier, would she rather reschedule?
• meet her for morning/afternoon playdates instead, thus removing the lunch problem entirely from the picture?
• stop meeting her!

[Sarraburd]

bloss - ditto with my DS - but a snack generally sorts it out so I always go out prepared...

[gorionine]

Some people just like to have things in a very precise routine.

Maybe the idea of a little snack to kep her going until the meal is worth looking into?

My DSIS is like that. We live in different countries (I now live in the UK she lives on the continent). When we go on holiday it is usually at my parents house who live just a few miles away from DSIS. Belive it or not, when we go and visit her or she comes to see us at my mums when time for her DCS shower/meal comes we are "politely" asked to go to allow for the smooth proceeding of the opreation if we are at her's .She just says goodbye and leaves if we are at my parents. No amount of me telling her on a few occasions that her DCs will not turn to dust if they miss a shower or have a meal an hour later but it does not work.

We are going to see them in two weeks, atfter 2 years and I am pretty sure that she will put her routine before spending a bit more time with me and my DCs. I does not affect me as much as it used too though.

[ReneRusso]

Have not read whole thread, but YANBU - this is just plain antisocial

[piscesmoon]

My DS2 needed his meals at a regular time when he was 5 yrs, and most of the time he got them-however sometimes he just had to cope-there was no reason for us all to pander to him all the time.

[giantkatestacks]

Its actually very interesting this thread - I cant unpick what people mean by 'pandering' to children and being antisocial etc and how I would square this with children, and people generally, needing to eat when they are hungry etc.

Isnt this what the blw and demand feeding is all about on MN - so that children learn when they are hungry and the appropriate cues etc so they dont end up using food as comfort or punctuation to the day etc?

I am often caught between a rock and hard place with this sort of thing as if I snack them and they then dont eat its even ruder than asking for an early lunch.

[piscesmoon]

Being invited out is nothing to do with hunger-it is to do with being polite. If someone invites me out to dinner at 8pm I don't say I am hungry at 7pm and can't wait! I deal with it and accept the invitation offered. With a 5yr old DC the parent accepts invitation and then deals with the problem. Eating is a social activity.

[Hulababy]

How do these children cope with birthday parties or playdates?

[ReneRusso]

I think you can explain to a 5 yr old, its going to be a while before lunch, have a snack to keep you going. Babies are not so flexible, but a 5 yr old should be. Its just part of growing up and learning to fit in with others.

[Kazzi79]

LOL Miss Sunny, I've got to admit to being a bit of a meal planner
Having said that I do allow room for flexibility, like last week on a really hot day my friend phoned at about 4pm saying she was lighting the barbecue if we fancied grabbing some burgers and bringing them up, no way would I have said "sorry but tonights meal is roast chicken so theres no way we will come"

I don't think its wrong to have a routine, in fact I'd love my own life to feel a bit more organised than it is at the mo, but then again a few years back when I suffered from PND I was very harsh on myself and was very strict with myself getting things done by a certain time, I've since learnt to chill as the world isn't gonna end if I haven't tidied the house, done the washing, hung the washing out, done shopping all by 10.30am

[hatesponge]

YANBU. I would say that though as I have brought my DC up without any proper routine whatsoever!

[Eve4Walle]

I like routine where mealtimes are concerned. My kids know when their lunch or dinner will be served and that's a good thing. Of course, I'm not bothered if they eat 30 minutes or so eaither side of the time they are used to eating but we like things this way and everyone knoew where they are if meals at at set times.

[Bumperslucious]

Goodness, if I am at work I sometime eat my lunch by 11! Clearly not very grown up, and admittedly I get hugely cranky and feel ill if I don't eat regularly, but I always make sure I have a snack with me. DD's routine is hugely varied, depending on what time she sleeps, where we are and when I get a chance to make lunch. I always make sure she has had a snack though. It's good to be flexible and I think your friend is being a bit rigid.

[WinkyWinkola]

I couldn't bear to be so rigid in meal times - I'd find it really really stressful and pressurised - but then it's different for everybody, I guess.

Some people have a really hard time getting their children to eat and maybe if the time changes, their kids respond negatively by not eating.

I just don't invite people over who are rigid and inflexible like that.

[slowreadingprogress]

I can see the problem tbh. 1pm is very, very late for a five year old if they're up at 5.30am like my ds was! A fruit snack or rice cake is not going to get that child through to 1pm without meltdown, and give them more substantial stuff and there is the problem of the child not wanting lunch at 1pm and you being seen as rude for the child turning their nose up at a meal.

[audreyraines]

in the end it's whatever avoids the meltdown. ds has so often just had bread for lunch when we're out, as the main meals just take too long to come and we approach meltdown territory!

[msbossy]

YANBU

Kids are small people, not a strange race. I am a bitch without food. I suspect my daughter will take after me. That's my problem and not anyone else's - particularly not someone nice enough to invite me 'round for dinner.

Having said that YABU to declare that 12 noon is too early for adults. Plan lunch for 3pm and piss everyone off.

[FAQinglovely]

have only read the first few posts but honestly.

How many people on MN say "no give them snacks close to meal times as they won't eat their meal"

yet people are no advocating she's given a snack an hours before lunch......and is then expected to eat her lunch as well.

Now obviously some chldren (mine included) wouldn't have a problem with a snack an hour before lunch but this girl would.

And no - mine can't make it thourgh to 1 before having lunch.

[piscesmoon]

Invite them for 12 serve a few nibbles and drinks and sit down at 1pm. The DD will be so busy playing she won't even notice! I don't know how she copes with play dates-I serve meals when I am ready. Even if I were to invite someone for 12, I doubt if my time keeping would be spot on.

[nappyaddict]

bloss what sort of snack is substantial enough to work for you? would fruit, cereal, nuts, cheese, bread, crackers etc cut it?

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[sleeplessinstretford]

We went away with a group of families for the weekend a couple of weeks ago.Two of the kids are in the same nursery so they were in the same routine, I spend most of my days with the other child as her dad is at home with her as well so 'our' kids are in roughly the same routine.
We took the decision not to invite one (who is sort of one of the group but doesn't do the 'mum socialising') at all due to the fact that her son is in the most rigid routine and she was already making noises when we were discussing the trip about leaving in convoy so that we didn't disrupt his daytime nap (buggar everyone elses!)she doesn't drink and goes to bed with him at 7pm and doesn't allow him any 'treats' and says he is milk intolerant and expects everyone elses children when he is there not to have any kind of treat (and by that I mean anything like a biscuit/cake/cheese/pizza/yoghurt etc) therefore we took the group decision that everyone elses weekend away would be negatively impacted upon and less fun if they were to come,which is a real shame as she's actually really lovely but I (and the others) were not prepared to do this.
It feels (and felt at the time) quite tight but people with such a rigid routine/strict rules/control issues will eventually find themselves excluded from things.

[piscesmoon]

I have been on holiday very successfully with friends, but I choose them carefully. There are some good friends that I would never holiday with. I have only been with those who are laid back and relaxed.

[sleeplessinstretford]

she's angling to come on the next one,I am not sure I have the heart/the balls to tell her why we are going to go without her. That's actually really shit isn't it?

[Grammaticus]

stretford - could you have a "how would this work" type discussion with her before the next one is arranged, while it is still all hypothetical?