...to think that a 5 year old (or her parents) should be able to be a bit flexible with mealtimes?

[pigswithfludontfly]

A close friend's dd HAS to have lunch at 12. I invited them over and suggested 1pm and that was apparently too late for her to eat. This has happened a few times and it makes meeting up tricky although it isn't the biggest issue in the world (but hey that's what AIBU is for!)

I used to be a bit like this when ds was a baby but the little girl is five.
If ds is having lunch a bit later than normal I just give him a snack to tide him over.

The little girl concerned does get up very early and the mum's reasoning is this is why she needs lunch early.

But surely by this age, it's normal to have a bit of flexibility? AIBU or a bit mean???

[Spidermama]

Absolutely Orm. I like it too and it means most of my good friends are go with the flow types as everyone else is too booked up to see us.

It does make housework a little tricky unless I have a deadline imposed by, say, someone visiting.

I like to be able to wake up in the morning and say, 'It's a nice day. I'll see if X is free for a picnic' for example. Some of the best things happen spontaneously if you let them.

[PlumBumMum]

As someone who gets migraines if I don't eat at a certain time or skip a meal (even when I was very young)I can understand why your friend is saying this
BUT as others have said why dosen't she just make up a small lunch for her dd to eat before she goes to your house?

[proverbial]

YABU. So they want their child to eat at 12. You think 12 is far too early for an adult to eat. Aren't you being fairly rigid in that as well?
Its up to them what time they want to eat, and how they plan their day, as long as they aren't rude about it, which it sounds not. It works for them, so what?

Its not uncommon. My sister lives in Italy with her family. Lunch is at 1pm, dinner is at 7pm, ALWAYS, unless there is a major disaster, or large event. Its just the way it is, and most people they know are similarly rigid, its the norm.

Some people are spontaneous, others are not. Expecting people to fit your style is BU, I think.

[Niecie]

YANBU

I'm a bit of a drifter too - I don't like to do too much planning. 12pm is way to early for lunch for me as well.

My BIL used to do the same with their DS - he had to eat and sleep at the right time or the heavens would fall in or something, so I get where you are coming from.

A routine is fine if they are at home but I don't think it is so great when everybody else, other children and adults, have to adjust their plans for one child.

A 5 yr old should be learning the world doesn't revolve around their wants every single day.

[cory]

But proverbial, why should you not expect people to fit your style if you are giving them lunch? Is it really up to you when you want to eat in somebody else's house?

[Kazzi79]

Gotta agree with Cory, I wouldn't dream of going to someone else's house after they've kindly invited me over and start telling them what time they have to feed me, thats just rude IMO.

Different story if you're meeting on neutral ground, there needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides.

[sweetnitanitro]

I don't really get the whole rigid routine thing either, I follow more of a rhythm than a routine DD has dinner at about 6 then a bath about an hour later but I don't move everything around to get it dead on time. If it's an hour late or something then it's no big deal at all.

My bro and SiL are a nightmare about routines, I got told off once for phoning at bathtime because I made their routine run 10 minutes late. I asked if their 2 year old could tell the time anyway. That didn't go down very well

[magso]

Hmm - well some children are more (biologically) flexible than others! My son (9 but more like a preschooler because of LD etc) has one of those metabolisms that 'crash' if not topped up regularly! (he goes from chearful to grouchy/ uncoordinated/disater ready to happen in 5 seconds flat I swear!) However we do are best to work around it ( yes I still carry raw carrots or fruit in my bag!). So a 1 oclock lunch - with likely delays with waiting our turn to be served - would give me 2 choices. Give ds lunch early ( and have a little lunch with the rest of us to join in) or have a substantial snack on time to tide him over but know it will spoil his lunch! But then I have had routine forced upon me by my childs needs . Oh to be spontaneous again!

[minxofmancunia]

YANBU, can't be doing with routine zealots, have a couple of friends like this who always whisk their dcs away for their lunch at a set time not even 15 minutes flexibility ffs.

Makes being out with them/socilaising a bit of a nightmare so don't bother that much anymore, strict routines are oppressive IMO and usually employed by control freaks. My dd has always been flexible eats lunch naytime between 12 and 2.00pm at the weekened when we're together and she's perfectly happy with that, we like to do a variety of activities togther at the weekend and being shoehorned into a timetable doesn't fit with that.

It's so easy to get institutionalised into routines though! Pre dd when I worked on a psychiatric in-patient unit lunch was at 12 and tea was at 4.45pm. If for any reason they were delayed we'd all (staff AND patients) but queueing up anxiously getting agitated by the dining room door!

Determined not to replicate this in own life.

Sorry for the rant but this issue really gets my goat!

[Bonneville]

Routine = Boring.

[cory]

imo there is a big difference between those parents like minx who unobtrusively try to manage the needs for routine that life has thrust upon them, and the parents who need to have their routines noticed because it makes them feel the world is recognising the importance of their dcs

often the second type are really unassuming people in themselves; it's almost as if having dcs gives them an excuse to take up space they never had the confidence to take up for themselves

[Habbibu]

I've just eaten my lunch. Am worried that I'm not an adult... Can anyone reassure me?

[minxofmancunia]

I've pretty much lost a friend over this , her and her family came to stay with us a few times and she's hitlerseque with her need for routine, the visible anxiety on her and her dhs face of there's any HINT things won't be done their way is so Fking irritating and presumptuous.

No flexibilty allowed for the fact they werw staying in our house for the weekend and maybe we didn't always do things exactly their way, of course not we had to bend to their routine, no compromise at all, not even by half an hour.

Dd often stays up an hour or so later at the weekend so we can have an early doors eve out together at the local curry place as a family, we want her to be used to sitting and dining in restaurants and the curry place is great with it, also we, the adults want a bit of an evening and a social life! Not be stuck in from 7.00pm just us 2 with st tv. It's called having a life.

Friend was totally unaccepting of this and as a result I've distanced myself from her, couldn't stand her my way or not at all attitude.

[MissSunny]

Message withdrawn

[thumbwitch]

YANBU on the whole - it does seem a bit mad to be so inflexible about it.

OTOH, my DH is an absolute nightmare if he is late with his meals, really. His brain starts to go funny and he gets really grumpy so we have to make sure he gets fed within half an hour or so of his normal mealtimes - but even he's not that bad!

In fact, I think your friend is setting her DD up for a lifetime of misery, not just for her but for others she associates with. A good friend of mine went out with a bloke like this - all his meals had to be on the dot, to the point of him refusing to go to things if they interfered with his mealtimes, and stopping on the road in the middle of nowhere to eat his sandwiches at exactly the right time rather than pushing on to find somewhere nice to stop!

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[fircone]

YANBU

Dh invited a colleague + family for Sunday lunch once.

I made a big Sunday lunch, then later on started to put out tea things (cake, sandwiches etc). In chimes the mother with, "No, no, no - my dcs have to have a hot meal in the evenings." And she started taking the cakes off the table! I was speechless, but managed to rustle up some beans on toast. Ffs, I'd cooked once and thought they would be going off home. Then - she asked me for clean towels as it was her sons' bath time. Eh? Bath in someone's house you barely know? At 5.30pm?

[thumbwitch]

amazing cheek, fircone!

[Bonneville]

Fircone - that is unbelieveable behaviour.

[pigswithfludontfly]

Bloss, I am fine with her dd eating before she arrives at 12 or whatever I just think it's a bit sad that at 5 there's still absolutely no flexibility.

I can't compromise on an earlier lunch for all of us simply because I will be working but otherwise I certainly would and would have been fine with my ds having his lunch at 12 even though he normally has it later. I'd simply cut out his morning snack or expect him to eat a bit less.
No big deal for us.

And actually I did used to be something of a routine fan when ds was a baby and toddler - it's just this girl is 5!

[shouldbeironing]

That is bizarre/rude of your guests fircone.

However aside from some of these rather bad-mannered extremes, this is not so uncommon and I think there needs to be a bit of understanding on both sides.

Just because someone likes a certain routine doesnt mean they need to be insulted about it provided they arent downright rude in insisting on it. It sounds like the OP's friend has compromised so it shouldnt be a problem.

Some children just turn into monsters if they are hungry - or some parents just like to do things a certain way and although it might not be the way we would choose I dont see why they need to be called names over it.

[sweetnitanitro]

MissSunny- I do meal planning for the week but mainly for money saving reasons. I find it stops me getting sucked in to all the 2 for 1 deals at the supermarket and cuts my weekly shopping bill. Also I never have to rush round the village shop because I've realised I've got nothing for dinner that night.

I would never let a meal plan stand between me and a take away though

Fircone- that is so bloody rude!!

[MIAonline]

I agree with shouldbeironing, that there does need to be understanding on both sides. Getting in to aren't I better because I am flexible and she's not isn't helpful.

I have been on both sides of this with different friends and it can be annoying.

Sometimes friends who are flexible actually just mean we'll see how it goes and then it will fit in with what I want at the time, whereas routine based know in advance it will fit in with them

[lowlandlady]

We had friends who were (whispers) GFites and they had to do everything on a military schedule and we just hardly ever saw them.... it pissed everyone off actually, it's just so presumptious particularly when they stayed with other people and just ended up dictating the timetable to hosts and all.
It's a weird kind of fascistic behaviour imho!!
But you know, everyone needs to find a way to cope and this is how some people cope.
I struggle with not having enough of a bloody timetable! I'd like to be half like that with built in flexibility.

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

My kids have got used to being fed lunch at nursery by 11.30 and at school around 12. They are, it is fair to say, awful if they don't have an early lunch. So to all the 'oooh routine is crap' people.

On the other hand, I wouldn't dream of being rude to someone inviting me over for lunch and would feed kids first, on way, or take a snack for them. And if I invite people to us, I usually offer the kids something early on and then they can choose to eat with us as well or just leg it about and graze...