To make my daughter change schools when she doesn't want to ?

[Angstisme]

I have three motivations here

1. She is best friends with a girl who is vile towards her, throws apples at her when she comes to our house to play, lies to get her into trouble, over dominates DD.

Yet she puts up with it day after day, even the child's own mother said I wish one day my DD would turn around and tell her to F* off (which as they are 7 I die but you get the sentiment here). DD has one other child aside of the girl who she's good friends and plays at school with but never outside, so that strikes me they aren't that great friends otherwise the mother would be arranging playdates right ? I'm outting myself a bit here, but she invited 20 kids to her 7th Birthday and 3 turned up, 3 at least had the decency to tell me.

1. We've just had her sats through, she is absolutely average right across the board, fine but her dad and i have 9 A'Levels and 3 degree's between us, I'm wondering what the hell is going wrong, the other school is more academic.

1. Our eldest is moving no matter what, she cannot stand another day in her current school and whilst she is a year above in reading and english she is behind for maths, another friends child failed 11+ because of her maths, I believe the school doesn't do maths well.

Do I just make her move, I really do want to say I am the adult here, I've made my choice you're moving but of course you never want to see your child crying and upset and I believe she'll put us through that for a while, plus if we've got this wrong there's no going back.

Any advice at all ?

Orm - DD has woken up this morning all for it again so I think that makes it so much easier for me at least, she really doesn't know what she wants (wonder where she gets her indecision from hmmm ).
I agree somebody needs to tell that girl where to get off but it would never be my DD she'll just put up with it and it's not fair or right.

Thanks Sunny

You could always send your children for a taster week at the start of next term. That way, they can see what the other school has to offer before you commit one way or the other.

Also, give notice with your first cheque for the fees just in case they don't settle. Nothing worse than having to pay thousands for an extra term when your children want to return to their old school.

i felt for you until i read this:

"We've just had her sats through, she is absolutely average right across the board, fine but her dad and i have 9 A'Levels and 3 degree's between us, I'm wondering what the hell is going wrong, the other school is more academic."

it's obviously not 'fine' if in the same sentence you wonder what the hell is going wrong. oh and pet peeve of mine: there's no apostrophe in '3 degree's'. take it english was not your best subject

Angstisme - is the school you're planning to send you children to the one which has only started taking girls this year? Because I was in a very similar situation to your DD in that my parents moved me to a private school from a state primary (for slightly different reasons, I think I may have been closer to the apple throwing child than the bullied one) but there were only 7 other girls in my year, and I didn't really get on with any of them, for various reasons. And there was no where else to go in terms of having friends, the boys played boy games and didn't want girls around. So, while you're getting her away from one bad influence, you're giving her a much much smaller pool to pick her friends from. Especially when these girls might have already been friends for a year or so, formed a clique and not be interested in new girls.

"With respect mama we aren't talking about 5 moves it's one and if all goes well they could stay until they are 18 years old, so "

My apologies - I must have misread the OP. I thought the child was 7, and was at primary school.

MamaLazarou - lots of private prep schools have senior schools attached so presumably as long as child passes entrance exam can be in same school from 3-18.

I think you should move your children if you think its the best decision for them - as others have said you are the adult.

Also if school is adjusting intake there will be lots of new children which should work well for your children in terms of making friends.

Oh, well in that case, there is plenty of continuity so moving the child wouldn't be a problem in that respect. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I would move them definitely. They may find they have more in common with children in a more boyish environment. I can easily see how little girls who are not into pink and fluffy things, High School Musical and Disney Princesses may be excluded from a group, as sadly this seems to be increasingly considered the "norm".

My parents decided to move me to a different school at 11, when all of my friends were going to the local comp and obviously that's where I wanted to go too. They completely disregarded my opinion, although in a nice way, and it was definitely the right decision for me, even though I definitely couldn't see it at the time!
Moving schools could be the fresh start you all need....

Whether or not you decide to move them, I think you need to work on adjusting your own attitude a bit. It worries me that you are so caught up in their academic performace and its relationship to your/your dh's academic background.

I know it can be a shock when your children aren;t the way you assumed they would be - but you need to get your head around it and eradicate any sense of disappointment before it rubs off on them and damages their self-esteem.

I'd be more concerned at your DC's inability to make friends. Why aren't they making friends and what is going on? I'd speak to the school and staff to find out more about this. If you move them to a new school and they lack the social skills to make friends, what makes you think it will be any easier for them at the next place?

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I understand what you are getting at Miss Sunny, and that you are trying to ask, in a kind way, what makes OP's children different from the others. Children can be so cruel - I remember my junior school class treating the one child in our class who didn't have a TV as very different from everyone else and she was therefore excluded from groups - also sadly the child who was epileptic as the other children were afraid she'd "have a fit on them" - very unfair, but I assume it still happens.....

I think people are being too hard on the OP on the friendship issue. If only 3 out of 20 came to the party this reflects on the parents rather than the children as presumably the parents would be the ones replying to the invite. I'd look for another school with friendlier parents (who don't swear) and children.

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You've got 9 A Levels and 3 degrees between yourselves, and put an apostrophe in 'degrees' ??!?!

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Go with your heart and move her move her move her... The school a nd her so called friend sound horrific. Just do it... she will settle in within a month or so.

I think I know the school you might be talking about (initials BS?). Friends have just moved their DD there from a very well thought of local primary and are happy. If I'm right there's quite a lot of girls there already (lots of refugees from BHS).

The situation you describe sounds horrible and if it were my DD I'd move her like a shot.

marialuisa - refugees from British Home Stores?

Bahamas?

british hypertension society?

miss sunny - yes we all swear occasionally (apart from my Mum ) but I don't swear when I'm chatting to another mum about our children!

Well thank you for the additional comments yes it is BS we're planning to head to and I was very impressed with everything it had to offer.
You'll all be delighted to hear DH and I are scientists not linguists but even so an unforgivable mistake I shall beat myself with a birch later.
The reason I know everything about what they get up to is they tell me and as for a child throws apples at yours so what, I find that a very odd attitude, if the shoe was on the other foot my DD's would be in very big trouble, totally out of order from a so called friend and as it's one of many incidents it does make the child horrible and not somebody I want DD around.
I think my Boden/Next/M&S clad family (is that dressing weird ???) tend to be happy in their own company and of course having three close in age they like to play together so maybe that's what puts others off the fact that they are already almost a group on their own.
The only other thing I can think of is that the eldest stared out in private school so we missed reception and year 1 at the current school and this does seem to have been held against us along with the disney trip and my children went to a nursery full time, I worked, rather than mornings at the play group followed by lunch and bonding from the age of 18 months onwards

Oh and Miss Sunny I have no issue with children not wanting to come to the party if that was the case but surely you would let the other person know if you weren't coming so they didn't pay for your child on the off chance you might grace us with your presence ?
And so that they could have invited somebody else so you weren't stood with your 7 year old explaining why there are 14 empty seats at her party.