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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be seething over recntly discovered DP's porn use of joint computer?

60 replies

mixformax · 29/06/2009 20:13

Earlier this evening I was helping DS with homework on computer and opened a new tab. Discovered that last night DP had been viewing porn sites whilst I was out. I am furious/upset/insulted/puzzled. Let DP know that I know, before having to go out for an hour. Came back to find he hadnt moved off sofa (Wimbledon), no discussion, apology, Nothing.

Mighty pissed off..

He is now out. I have texted "Why?" No response.

WTF do I do now?

OP posts:
Rachmumoftwo · 29/06/2009 20:21

Being a bloke, he was probably just having a look and sees it as no big issue. He probably doesn't understand why you would even be bothered. As long as he isn't making contact with the 'ladies' on the sites, and it isn't costing anything, I would take it as a one off. If he does it again, then it may become a problem.

Have you thought about setting parental controls?

Northernlurker · 29/06/2009 20:23

Well lots of men - most in fact I believe - do look at porn. Tbh he probably doesn't feel all that great about it either and you be (rightly) angry won't make him feel any better. Some men clam up when faced with a situation where they know they are wrong and can't offer anything to make it better.

I don't think it's going to be helpful if you go on at him about this. You've told him how you feel and I think you may need to let this go for now. I'm assuming that there aren't any things about your relationship that are worrying you, that this is fairly mild adult porn he was viewing and that you have a future conversation about use of the shared pc. You need to make sure that appropriate log ins and controls are used so that there is no chance your kids can stumble across anything whilst doing homework.

Otherwise - yes this is grim but it's not the worst thing to discover about your partner!

JRocks · 29/06/2009 20:24

Are you upset that he's looked at all, or is it more because your DS could accidentally access what's been seen?

Original poster
mixformax · 29/06/2009 20:27

Thank you both!

Sadly this is not the first time; he knows I hate it and tries to hide it by deleting the history. Bit obvious when all your commonly used sites disappear - did he REALLY think I wouldn't notice?

OP posts:
squirrel42 · 29/06/2009 20:29

Out of curiousity what did you expect him to have done in the hour you were gone - chores he was supposed to be doing, or preparing an apology of some kind?

Each to their own so far as pornography goes. I like it myself and would be happy to use it with a partner, or for them to use it on their own. Were you aware of him using it before? Has he ever said he would never touch the stuff or has the subject never come up (pun intended) in conversation?

squirrel42 · 29/06/2009 20:32

Ahh, delayed post. If he knows you hate it had you both agreed he wouldn't use it anymore? Or had you come to a compromise? It seems a bit teenager-ish having to skulk around trying to hide porn from you like you're his mother if he hadn't promised not to look at it again...

Original poster
mixformax · 29/06/2009 20:37

JRocks - more upset that he felt the need to look at all. DS was so reluctant to do ANY homework, there was very little chance he would look around and he doesn't normally use that computer.

OP posts:
Kimi · 29/06/2009 20:37

I so understand where you are coming from...I took the PC away in the end

JRocks · 29/06/2009 20:42

Fair enough. From my point of view (My DP likes the odd spot of 'me time' - his term - too) I think that as long as it isn't affecting his relaitionship with you, as in he isn't avoiding intimacy/sex then maybe it doesn't need to be a big deal. I understand that not everyone feels the same about this sort of thing though, and it must feel horrible for you. Have you tried a non accusatory type conversation about it? Only say this because I know my DP just shuts down if I start ranting and sulking.

zeke · 29/06/2009 20:43

I wouldn't read anything into him looking at porn online.

I certainly wouldn't make a big fuss about it.

He should ensure that the history is removed though, so that you son does not discover this. That is the only thing you should be annoyed about IMO.

GypsyMoth · 29/06/2009 20:44

You took the pc away kimi? Because of porn?

Original poster
mixformax · 29/06/2009 20:47

Well there was an awful lot of ironing behind said sofa, Squirrel

TBH, I don't think its the porn thats the problem, more the secrecy (and taking me for a mug). When I discovered it before, after I'd calmed down I suggested that maybe we look together. No response there either. Which all seems to suggest that he finds it embarrasing (sp?) So why do it?!

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 29/06/2009 20:49

Why do you hate him looking at porn? Your own insecurities or genuine objections to the porn industry?

I would be furious that he looked at porn on a PC that could be used by a child but the actual looking at porn wouldn't bother me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2009 20:55

agree looking at porn doesnt bother me

but the fact that ds could have seen it, would

Kimi · 29/06/2009 20:56

Yes Ilove, I removed the PC,

GypsyMoth · 29/06/2009 21:01

So kimi, are you SURE he doesn't access his porn in another way?? Magazines, porn on another computer, phone, iPhone, iPod?? Or a secret stash of DVD's somewhere??

I don't see the point in removing the computer.

Original poster
mixformax · 29/06/2009 21:04

Ok , thank you people! I've calmed down a bit now. Who knows? this may yet put a spark to his fire! (barely smouldering recently and thats not for the want of (me) trying )

OP posts:
Kimi · 29/06/2009 21:05

He no longer has a PC. He has no access to any PC, he can look at DVDs and mags, I moved out with the PC

SolidGoldBrass · 29/06/2009 21:11

There are two separate issues here. One is that it is actually perfectly reasonable to put a 'porn ban' on a computer that is regularly used by children/other members of the household who really don't like porn.
The other is that it is totally unreasonable to feel entitled to control what another adult wants to read or look at. Your partner is not your property. Your partner does not have to share your opinions on everything. Porn is simply media, it's not kryptonite or nuclear waste.

MissSunny · 29/06/2009 21:12

Message withdrawn

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2009 21:19

very true solidgoldbrass

GypsyMoth · 29/06/2009 21:19

Well he can get a new computer easily enough.... Even a cheap second hand one I guess!

monkeyfacegrace · 29/06/2009 21:30

My exH was caught doing this, which was a huge problem considering he had told me beforehand that he couldn't have sex with me anymore as I was too fat and had let myself go after having our daughter (who was 10 weeks at this point stupid twat). So in my case, it was the constant porn doubled with bullying me into plastic surgery that was unnacceptable.
Now, my current partner looks at porn and I couldn't give a damn, as he loves me and it just makes him want me more!So its hard to comment without knowing your background.
But, if you are upset, rightly or wrongly, then its a problem that he should be sensitive to.

MissSunny · 29/06/2009 22:20

Message withdrawn

SomeGuy · 29/06/2009 22:44

So you went out and you expect him to sit there doing nothing waiting for you to get home? Doesn't seem reasonable to me.

It's not as if he was rejecting you for porn - you weren't even there.

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