to be seething over recntly discovered DP's porn use of joint computer?

[mixformax]

Earlier this evening I was helping DS with homework on computer and opened a new tab. Discovered that last night DP had been viewing porn sites whilst I was out. I am furious/upset/insulted/puzzled. Let DP know that I know, before having to go out for an hour. Came back to find he hadnt moved off sofa (Wimbledon), no discussion, apology, Nothing.

Mighty pissed off..

He is now out. I have texted "Why?" No response.

WTF do I do now?

YABU

I bet I know why he is being so tightlipped when you try to talk to him about it

Because he is tempted to shout "Who are you, my freakin' mother ??"

That is how I would react to someone trying to control my viewing, anyways

Not all porn is misogynist. Not all porn performers are victims incapable of making informed choices. And even if you have objections to the porn industry on these grounds, your partner is not obliged to agree with you and you still don't have the right to tell him what he can and cannot look at or read.
However, it is perfectly fair to tell him that he can't look at porn on a computer the DC use - he can either use his own computer or buy porn mags/dvds instead.

I don't think most men (or women) look at the politics of porn tbh, and are just looking for sexual imagery for a bit of a turn on. Obviously you need to share your feelings on this, but you aren't the thought police- it is the shared computer aspect that is the dubious element in this to my mind. I find porn disappointing in the main, and I accept that much of the industry is abusive, but it is essentially just a wank aid, and I can't think it what way it's reasonable to expect your partner to never fancy doing that again. A lot of porn out there these days is "amateur" and just couples filming themselves- not professional exploitation, but I guess we're going off on a bit of a tangent now.

I would ignore it for now, and just have an adult conversation when you feel less wound up later in the week.

Message withdrawn

Yes Ilove, he could but he has not.

I do object to being told I have fallen for a con trick. DP has definitely not conned me, I feel that porn has it's place, and understand that there is porn out there that has supremely dodgy roots, but he's not seeking that out. It's something visual for a brief time that's an aid to a wank, frankly. He's not masturbating while wondering about the backgrounds of all the people involved.

I think the only problem here is that the OP has suggested that her DP hasn't been that interested lately, so I can totally understand why you would feel rejected. Wanking over porn shouldn't replace the intimacy in a relationship.

Sex and how we feel about our bodies plays a huge part here I think.

Did op say that she's been trying to get her dp to have sex with her but he's not been that interested? If so then I would feel a little like I wasn't good enough for him and that he preferred other woman. The truth is, he probably just needs an uncomplicated release.

Men and woman see sex so differently. Woman see it mainly as emotional and men mainly physical. This is something I have learned after 10 years with my dh and friends who are all very relaxed in talking about their sex lives. Men sometimes use sex as a stress relief or a distraction.

I don't see porn as a horrible or disgusting thing at all, it's a tool that both men and woman use for entertainment. I agree that some privacy settings need to be made on your computer so your kids can't see it though.

Do you find the porn disturbing? Would you ever watch something like it with your dp or get some kind of aid that may help you both? I was on here a while ago with problems with my dh and people recommended I try and see things from dh point of view. It has helped us, even if I feel like a bit of a fanny sometimes in ridiculous fishnets and high heels

I don't see why women who don't like it, or the thought of it, should shut up and put up. That makes me sad.
Some people do have a problem with their partners looking at porn, and it does sometimes lead to marital problems.

Like dittany says, there is a lot of pressure on women to accept it, or end up looking like a prude.

I still don't think it's at all reasonable for one adult to say to another: 'I do not like this therefore you are not allowed to do it.'

if dh said i dont like you going on mn to chat talk about me and asked you to stop, would you?

I wouldnt tell my dh what he could and couldnt do, anymore than he would tell me - its called respecting each other

you dont like it, he does - why should your opinion matter more than his?

the only thing i do agree is that if he wants to look at porn, then needs to password an account so that children cant clcik on it

I do see that SGB. TBH, after reading some of your posts on this topic and others, you have definitely opened my eyes a bit and made me rethink some things. But it still stands that I am uncomfortable with porn and its use and would be very upset/hurt/deflated if I found DH using it.

I don't see why I should have to put up with something that will effectively ruin our marriage in the long run. We have a good sex life and are very open about any problems etc..

I am lucky to have a DH that understands and agrees with me about porn. Likewise, he has said he wouldn't like me masturbating while watching other men so it works for us, but I am not telling him he can't do it, just that I do not like it and it is something he is happy to not do. If that makes sense?!

I really think that if the porn/sex industry was more geared up to accomodate women, ie more focus on men, then it would make a difference. As it stands, to me, it's just another way to put pressure on women to meet the exacting standards that men place upon us.
Good wife at homelady in publicwhore in bed.

I think it's more based in fantasy than that Stretch.
It's a quick thoughtless release for many men, I don't think they want their wives/ girlfriends to act/ look like porn stars particularly.

OP back here now (much calmer thank you!)

Yes Confuzzeled, I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have more (any ) sex with DP and so found it really hurtful that he would rather look at "other women" - however much they are not real. Still feels like a betrayal...

But to clarify, I haven't said he can't do it, just that I don't like it. And in the past have suggested (once calm) that we maybe look together. Who knows, maybe those fishnets may get an airing yet? Need something to get moving... But need to start talking first

Mix, you sound like your being pretty rational about it and i can understand why your hurt.

Men can be such children about sex and their feelings, it can sometimes take a major act to get them going.

Here is a shop I love,it's super expensive so I never feel like a whore shopping there for some reason (only ever bought 2 things as it is really expensive). But this way you can get something and it can be a treat for both you and dp. If you have a branch near you it's worth going in, the girls that work there are amazing and super helpful. I went in with dd who was 18 months at the time, the staff tickled her chin with a pink feather tickle stick while I tried stuff on.

www.agentprovocateur.com/

All men (and many women) like porn. Unless it was rape fantasies, or something involving animals or children, I don't see any harm in it. He should be using a different sign-on profile from your son, though.

Men do not look at porn as a substitute for having sex with their partners. Most men masturbate regularly despite having regular sex. It's not the same thing at all.

www.agentprovocateur.com/

What I meant by "He's not masturbating while wondering about the backgrounds of all the people involved" is that he's not thinking the women or men he sees have been forced or co-erced to appear, if he did he would be horrified, and far from turned on. And maybe that is selfish, he's looking for a quick release in the same way as I might, but have a better brain for fantasy than he does.

Surely not every woman in porn has been forced into it? And surely not every woman who has dressed up in skimpy underwear has done it out of desperation? I actually find it quite a turn on generally, perhaps I'm horribly repressed.

Agree though that if it were rape/animal/child porn or anything remotely as foul I wouldn't be happy at all.

I haven't read this whole thread but I do have some views...

Y (might) BBU
It depends on the circumstances

If DH is calling you an ugly fat cow and why can't you look like these babes, YANBU

If you haven't put out for 3 years and he needs some 'release', YABU

There is a bigger story here.

But being a rational person, me, I would say that all things being equal YAB a bit U.

He shouldn't have done it where DC's can see it - but looking at porn in itself is NOT a big deal.
I would rather my DH had a thing for porn than actually went out and found a prostitute or an affair.

Also, this attitude that porn stars are victims is the biggest pile of shit. Models get paid well and CHOOSE to do it. In fact glamour/porn modelling is something a lot of girls aspire to (rightly or wrongly). It's also a very competitive business. Don't feel too sorry for them

Why the hell is it 1950's to dress up for your partner? If I put on some sexy undies and strut about it gets him in the mood and I get more back in return.

My god relationships involve 2 people and both need to respect each other and their desires as long as it's harmless and not hurting anyone else. The OP was upset because her dp hasn't been very involved in bed and was looking at porn, she felt rejected and no wonder. Her dp needs to talk to her about his desires, these things often get shelved when you have kids.

As I said before most men view sex as a physical thing rather than emotional. Making a man feel like he's being dirty and horrible for wanting a release is only going to make him less likely to talk about how he's feeling. There may be other reasons why the OP dp doesn't want to have sex, maybe he's unhappy with his body or maybe he feels inadequate.

I know a girl who used to be a stripper when she was at Uni. She wasn't forced into it and nobody forced her to buy Gucci handbags. Not all porn is bad.

I am nunhppay with the mainstreaming of porn as a woman who has other women to thank for making women MORE than just sex objects.

I am hugely uncomfortable with the semi compulsory shaving of pubic hair porn style and the views of young women that being Jordan is enough in life.

i want women to be seen as intelligent sentient equals to men not some sexualised plaything.

Hence i dislike porn, I also resent the idea that if you are opposed to it you are "uptight" or ugly or unhappy with your own apprearance.

so yet again
I agree with D on this matter.